ROUND 1

NESS

Ness Presents

Battle of the Universe

The Story So Far...

During a high stakes game of Poker on Air Force One, the President was nursing a brewski as Tom Magee was making his way through his 3rd Big Mac. Growing tired of winning he asked Mr. Holy Grail himself what more could he possibly want? Magee wanted to go back to the better time when Pluto was a planet. Before the Planet Definition Committee destroyed it all. Trump was intrigued and then a light bulb went off. Why not make a wager? If Magee can defeat Trump, he'll reinstate Pluto. But if he loses, he's gonna blow it up and use the surviving pieces to build the wall. Not sure if he was serious, but Tom was game. He started rummaging through choice Switch games when Trump told him to slow down. They were holding a wrestling event. Each picks wrestlers to fight and whoever wins the most matches at the end of the event gets their wish. Nine planets or one wall!

Opening Match: Knockout or Submission

Location: Saudi Arabia

Charlotte Flair (Trump) vs. Tessa Blanchard (Magee)

Both opted to pick what they perceive as the best female on the planet. To make matters interesting Trump suggested the match take place in the home of blood money. Magee got to pick the stip. Just having played through a round of No Mercy he went with Knockout or Submission. Match only ends when someone is KO'd and taps. Winner's rep puts them on the board with a single point.

Fatal Four-Way Scramble Match

Location: Rings of Saturn

Sean O'Haire (Trump) vs. Luke Harper (Coin Toss) vs. Stephen Amell (Magee) vs. Meiko Satomura (No Points)

The second match is a a Scramble Match. Remember those? Whoever scores a pinfall or submission is "it" and whoever is "it" after the 20 minute time limit is the winner. They each selected two wrestlers with one acting as their rep and the other a wild card entry. In the event of a Harper victory the point is awarded based on a coin flip. Heads for Trump, Tails is Magee. Should Meiko come out on top, nobody gets anything. Also the match takes place in space. Specifically on the Rings of Saturn itself. Is that even possible? Trump is President. You tell me.

Kennel from Hell (featuring Canadian Geese)

Location: Some place that reeks of Tim Hortons and Socialism

Jon Moxley (Trump) vs. Tetsuya Naito (Magee)

The hottest free agent has escaped and would create his own promotion full of opponents if need be. Trump was apparently a big fan of Tournament of Death, who knew? Magee was actually just getting some crusties out of his eye when his pick was deemed to be Naito based on his pose. Lucky break for him. Match was originally going to be a no rope red vine match (ropes are replaced with the licorice treat) but that was deemed too goofy even for me.

Lucha/Chikara/International Rules Tag Match

Location: On Namek during it's "5 Minutes of Explosion Period"

Strangling the System [Fergus Ferguson & Diego Corleone) (Trump) vs. Team Happy Ending [TAKA Michinoku & Paige] (Magee)

This is a standard tag match except tags can happen automatically when someone leaves the ring. This is one of four potential matches on Ferguson's retirement tour. This match takes place on Planet Namek after Freeza destroyed it's core and it's set to blow up "any minute now". Once a victory is awarded a rocket will transport everyone away. But no pressure or anything!

I <3 Ness Ichiban! Match

Location: Reality

Toni Storm (Trump) vs. Killer Kelly (Magee)

It's pretty common knowledge that Toni Storm and Killer Kelly are madly in love with Ness. Both have promised to let him be the man meat in between a sandwich made out of them if we get to show 2, but what if that doesn't happen? That's why this match exists. The winner gets him all to themselves. No match has bigger stakes than his undying love. Don't worry fellow fan ficcers, I'll document that in a future thread. It'll be as real as the last "Life" fan fic we were reading about...

Cor Von's Last Hunt

Location: The Serengeti of Tanzania

Monty Brown (Trump) vs. Dragon Dragon (Magee)

This is not a wrestling match. This is war. No hyperbole. Monty Brown and Dragon Dragon are being sent to Africa to fight to the death. No time limit. No rules. The match only ends when someone completes the hunt and kills the other. Can the Alpha Male defeat a being that spits fire? Special note: in the unlikely event that Ness does not move on to round 2 you cannot steal both members of this match for your picks. Know why? Because one of them will be fucking dead!

The Main Event

Location: Pluto

Brock Lesnar (Trump) vs. WALTER (Magee)

While the outcome of the event may already be decided before this match takes place, it's still happening! Of course putting these two monsters against each other may make the results moot. What's the point of being reclassified as a planet if you're destroyed? And Trump may not need to use any rockets to blow it up. No special gimmicks. At this point, what more do you need?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

LIONHEART

Welcome to Monday Night Raw! Ladies and gentleman, with Wrestlemania weekend looming...we have some big surprises in store for you tonight! Edge has an important announcement to make later on. No one is quite sure what it's about, but in the meantime let's get started!

Music hits : Suicide! Comes alive!



Suicide enters the ring and grabs a mic.

Suicide: Roode thinks he's better than me just because he's always had the good life? He thinks I'm nothing but a worthless cartoon character, not worthy of a championship? He thinks he can beat me at the grandest stage of them all, WrestleMania? Well, I'm about to show him what someone who grew up on the streets is capable of. I am capable of anything...necessary...to win.

*Suicide makes quick work of some nameless jobber. We see Edge and Christian watch the ending of the match backstage.

Edge: So I have everything planned for the announcement. I think it's going to be...

They are interrupted as Christopher Daniels enters the room.

Edge: ...how did you get in here so fast?
Daniels: What do you mean?
Edge: ...
Edge: You just finished a match like less than a minute ago.
Daniels: Oh, you mean Suicide? You think I'm suicide? Not a chance.
Christian: ...well who is it then?
Daniels: Isn't it that Kazarian guy?
Edge: Kazarian doesn't even work here!
Daniels: ...
Edge: Look, I don't have time for this. I need to get ready.

Edge leaves the room.

Christian: So you're not suicide, huh? Doesn't Suicide have a big match against The Natural Robert Roode at WrestleMania?
Daniels: That's what I heard.
Christian: But you're totally available, right?
Daniels: ...
Christian: Let's have a match ourselves then. Since you're not busy, I'm sure you'd love to compete on the grand stage.

Tommy Dreamer enters the room.

Dreamer: A match? That sounds like a great idea. Since Daniels will be so fresh, he'll have a lot of energy. Let's make it a triple threat match.

A look of worry appears on Daniels' face.

Christian: You know what, Dreamer, I think the peeps would like it if we went ahead and made that an Extreme Rules match while we're at it.

A big smirk appears on Dreamer's face as Daniels leaves the room in a hurry and we fade to black.

As we return from commercial break, The Iron Sheik stands in the ring.

Iron Sheik: NO ONE IN AMERICA EVEN CHALLENGE FOR IRON SHEIK
Iron Sheik: NOTHING HERE BUT JABRONI SUCKERS THINK THEY HAVE WHAT IT TAKES BUT NO ONE EVEN SKILL WORTH DIME COMPARED TO SHEIK
Iron Sheik: GOERGE BUSH GREAT PRESIDENT MUCH ASHAMED WOULD BE HAVE IF KNOWING POOR STATE OF ROSTER HERE
Iron Sheik: WWE NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY SHEIK IS THE BEST WILL DEFEAT ALL CHALLENGER

Alex Riley's music plays as he walks out to the ramp.



Riley: Look, pal. I'm with you at the lack of competition here compared to my great talent, but even I can't stand to hear this much more. You can insult America, that's fine. You can insult everyone else on the roster. But when you insult Alex Riley...that's crossing the line. You're old. You're washed up. I'm the future. And I'm going to show you what a promising young superstar is capable of. I'll accept your challenge. I'm going to treat you just like the nerds I crushed back in college.

Iron Sheik: YOU STUPID AMERICAN NOT KNOW TRUE WRESTLER IS REAL MAN LIKE SHEIK CHALLENGE ACCEPTED YOU WILL DIE TO MY HAND

A scowl covers Sheik's face as we cut to a backstage interview with Low Ki.

Low Ki: Look, I may not have the biggest name for myself around here, but I have what counts. I have wrestling talent and I am going to show everyone that this weekend in my match with Dolph Ziggler for the Intercontinental Championship. This is my first big break and I assure you it will not go to waste. Ziggler is talented. Everyone knows it. But he's no Low Ki.

The interview is interrupted as a loud ruckus is heard to the side. The camera pans over to see Chavo Guerrero in a heated argument with Tito Santana.

Chavo: And you know what, Tocula isn't even a real place! And you claim to be more of a Mexican warrior than me!? Are you even Mexican at all?

Tito shoves Chavo into some crates laid out in the hallway. The fiery pride of Chavo is apparent as he gazes back in defiance.

Tito: We will see who the best warrior is this weekend, won't we?
Chavo: You're going straight into the gulf and I will see it happen because it is my duty to rid the WWE of a pretender like you who would tarnish the legacy of a proud country.

The next match of Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler starts and progresses. After a lengthy back and force, Ziggler is stunned as THE VIPER gets ready to pounce with an RKO. Right before he launches his strike, theme music hits the speakers.

"Now listen! This ain't no make believe!"



Orton is momentarily shocked, but in that moment Ziggler recovers and jumps in the air for a Zig Zag! The viper shakes it off before Ziggler can land it and Ziggler falls to the mat. He quickly gets up but Morrison quickly approaching the ring catches his eye and he freezes for a split second to judge if he should be way of this approaching potential threat. That's all the viper needs and Zigglere turns around into an RKO!



The referee counts to three as Orton is crowned the victor. Morrison, now just outside the ring, lifts his mic.

Morrison: I am the shaman of sexy. I am the guru of greatness. I...just wanted to check up on you and make sure you were ready for our match this weekend.

The viper eerily smiles and slips out of the ring next to Morrison. He jumps in a faux RKO and that is enough for Morrison to leap backwards in fear.

Morrison: You don't scare me. You may be the apex legend, but I have studied long and hard in the palace of wisdom on just how to counter you. Your time is done, Orton. The period...of enlightenment...is just beginning.

Morrison warily walks backwards up the ramp and back to the locker room, keeping his gaze fixed on the viper. The camera zooms in on Orton, stilll smiling. He starts to walk away when Ziggler, now recovered, hits him with a ZIG ZAG from behind.

Ziggler grabs a mic and looks down on Orton.

Ziggler: This is exactly what's going to happen to Low Ki as the showoff claims yet another major victory this weekend.

Fade to commercial. We return to see Edge standing in the middle of the ring.

Edge: Unfortunately, I am out here...to give you all some bad news. This is not easy for me. But the doctors have done some tests and they've told me...they've told me that it's too risky for me to continue doing what I love. They told me that I can't continue to compete or there is a severe risk...of paralysis...or even death. I...I don't know how else to put this..there's nothing I can do about it...my career is over...

Edge: ...but I'm not going to go out like this. Not that easy. I convinced the doctors to clear me...for one more match.

Edge: So I'll tell you all what, I'm going out with a bang. I'm going to go out...ending The Undertaker's undefeated streak...at Wrestle...Mania. And believe me when I say that. Because this is all I have left. I will cement my legacy with the greatest match of my career because anything else is unacceptable.

The tolling of the bell is heard as Undertaker's music hits. He slowly approaches with his usual air of mystery and enters the ring to come face to face with Edge.



The Undertaker: So you're out here to challenge me, are you? You think you can defeat me just because you're sick? I will stomp you down just like everyone who has come before. Just like I did to you at WrestleMania XXIV to become 16 and 0. What makes you think you can face me now? If anything, this news just shows me that you are even weaker.

Edge is visibly offended as he brings the mic to his mouth.

Edhe: WHY DO I THINK I CAN FACE YOU? BECAUSE I HAVE THE DRIVE. BECAUSE I HAVE THE PASSION. BECAUSE OTHERS HAVE BEEN HUNGRY BEFORE, BUT I'M NOT HUNGRY, TAKER, NO...I AM STARVING. You know how they say a cornered animal fights back the hardest? Well forget Batista, because right now I am a cornered animal. I have nothing left to lose. I will give EVERYTHING I have to this match because this isn't just a game to me. This is my life. This is my last chance. This is how The RATED R SUPERSTAR...will end his career.

Edge swings wildly at Taker, who blocks his strike with his arm. Edge is caught off balance and Taker quickly capitalizes to grab him and begins to flip him around for the tombstone piledriver. But Edge wiggles free and falls to his knees. He leaps up and shoves Taker into the ropes. He runs back and bounces off the ropes on the other side to go for a spear! But right before he lands it, the bell rings once more and the lights go out. When they come back on, Taker is standing at the start of the entrance ramp with microphone in hand.

Taker: You have your match at WrestleMania.

Taker turns and walks backstage.

Edge: And I'm going to win that match.

We fade to black as Raw ends.

WrestleMania - Official Card

Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake Vs. Taiji Ishimori
Hanson & Raymond Rowe Vs. KENTA & Naomichi Marufuji
Robert Roode (c) Vs. Suicide - US Championship
Chavo Guerrero, Jr. Vs. Tito Santana - Gulf of Mexico Match
Alex Riley Vs. The Iron Sheik - Loser Leaves America
Dolph Ziggler (c) Vs. Low Ki - Intercontinental Championship
John Morrison Vs. Randy Orton
Tommy Dreamer Vs. Christopher Daniels Vs. Christian - Extreme Rules
Edge Vs. The Undertaker

This whole thread is certainly a disaster movie, but it's the craziest, best, most fun disaster movie I will ever see.

Trouble is, I have no idea who to vote for. How the fuck do I decide between these two cards? Wacky piled on wacky.

Lionheart certainly gave @ness and epic run for his money, but as I've known for a while now... there's no swaying my vote away from @ness.

While I realized I absolutely LOVED his roster, what I wasn't anticipating was how fucking hilariously dope his promotion and show concept would be. The epic writeup isn't just a cherry on top of the sundae... it's the whole fucking cherry tree.

@ness... all the way!

It's clear that Lionheart had literally no idea what was going on from the moment he picked up a keyboard. Ness, meanwhile, went straight for the jugular of absurdity.

For the sake of my sanity I'll call it a tie on the buildups/promos and just vote for which card I like best.

Lionheart's card is not impressive to me. It reads like a B-level WWE PPV from 10 years ago. The main event is great, but besides that, the only matches I really care about are the two opening matches, even if Ishimori has a very strange opponent indeed. KENTAFuji vs War Machine is a show stealing match.

Ness has at least compelling three matchups but his weird stipulations and matches on other planets has gone too far into the realm of wackiness for me to comprehend and appreciate. Still, I'd take a dive into the unknown over the mediocrity and non-appeal of matches like Roode vs Suicide and Morrison vs Orton.

I am both shocked and amazed at the weirdness of Ness' card. Definitely not something I was expecting to go up against. It is too weird for my taste, but I did get a few chuckles reading through it. As for the card itself, it does certainly look like something I would want to watch. Naito Vs. Moxley stands out most to me and would be a badass matchup. I'm not a huge fan of Lesnar Vs. WALTER for a main event, but it would still be good.

Obviously, I greatly prefer my own card, but I am beginning to think that I may hold much of my roster in unusually high regard. It is surprising to me that Emperor would have zero interest in the Randy Orrison, Low Kiggler or Robert Ruicide matchups. Let alone the triple threat with three of the best wrestlers I know. All top tier talent in my book. In my opinion, all four of these matches would have great chances to be MOTY candidates if given enough time. Plus Emperor is correct that KENTAFuji vs War Machine could easily steal the show and my main event is a dream rematch that can never be had now that I would kill to see.

So yeah, to me it would probably be the best PPV I would ever see with all that. But it seems I stand alone. I did not expect to lose so thoroughly, especially after seeing Ness' card. I thought I had pretty damn good chances. But it seems my tournament run has come to a swift end. I only hope that my promos at least made some people laugh.

Jun 1, 2019 16:38:32 GMT Lionheart said:

It is surprising to me that Emperor would have zero interest in the Randy Orrison, Low Kiggler or Robert Ruicide matchups. Let alone the triple threat with three of the best wrestlers I know.

Wresting has moved on a lot since the days of Randy Orton's prime, and Low Ki's short stint in WWE. What used to be a special, epic match has now become the norm. The average NJPW PPV/tournament match is similar in scope to HBK/Angle WM21 or a HBK/Taker WM25 match. The epic has become commonplace, and different styles of match have become the new epic. Orton vs Morrison may have appealed to me 10 years ago, when Morrison was still the Guru of Greatness and Orton hadn't worn out his welcome, but now it has zero appeal. Same for Ziggler vs Low Ki, although that's all Ziggler's fault. Never really cared for Christian, Daniels, Dreamer, Roode and Suicide/Kazarian.

I'm a modern wrestling fan, so I'll almost never vote for an 80s or 90s-heavy card in these drafts. It seems that even mid-late 2000s is becoming too old school for me.

Fact check time. Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol.

Anyways, out of politics and into the game.

@ness your thing was hilarious. I love what you’re going with here. Would I be down to watch it? Probably not.

Lionheart came in like a rookie in a draft with big names. So I’m not going to shit on him because he gave it his best shot. I like what he’s trying to do with Daniels and that’s good character development so props to that.

Formats made a big deal here. I like Lionhearts roster more and would watch his show more. By default, I am going to give my vote to Lionheart.

Jun 1, 2019 17:56:14 GMT KING KID said:

Fact check time. Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol.

Anyways, out of politics and into the game.

@ness your thing was hilarious. I love what you’re going with here. Would I be down to watch it? Probably not.

Lionheart came in like a rookie in a draft with big names. So I’m not going to shit on him because he gave it his best shot. I like what he’s trying to do with Daniels and that’s good character development so props to that.

Formats made a big deal here. I like Lionhearts roster more and would watch his show more. By default, I am going to give my vote to Lionheart.

Lol. When I do my remastered thread I'm swapping that with Magee. I know he likes fast food!

I just realized I said “the apex legend” instead of “the apex predator” in my Morrison dialogue about Orton. This is how you know when you play a video game too much.

Wacky build-ups aside both of these cards get a great big MEH from me. Lionheart , I guess for having more WWE guys.

I wasn't sure what Ness was gonna do, especially with some of those late picks... but surprisingly, I like it.

Nessie's card is what fan fic is all about. He embraced the absurdity of it all. As the mastermind behind the late, great New Generation Wrestling, I can appreciate that. Under normal circumstances he only has one match I'd kinda sorta want to watch. But his writeups and the wackiness of his universe turns several of those normally unappealing matches into something I'd like to see. Picking "The Strangler" Diego Corleone and Fergus "System" Ferguson was another stroke of genius on his part.

Lionheart also put in the work...but his card doesn't really appeal to me either. And since it's less insane than Ness's, @ness has my vote.

Double

This year's fucking draft rules. What a first round. I got to go with Ness here but I appreciate the effort from Lionheart, pretty good for a first timer ole boy.

Since my defeat is all but assured here, I am going to go ahead and make an early recommendation. Most people, on defeating me, would probably steal my main event for their two picks and just go right ahead with taking Edge and The Undertaker. But @ness, you are not most people. I propose an alternate decision. Alex Riley may be the exact dark horse that you need moving forward. Hear me out. Alex Riley may not be much of a force to be reckoned with ordinarily...but Alex Riley in space? Think of the possibilities. Space Riley could torment all the other superstars on your roster with his bullying expertise! Space wedgies! Think about it.

Jun 2, 2019 21:20:53 GMT Lionheart said:

Since my defeat is all but assured here, I am going to go ahead and make an early recommendation. Most people, on defeating me, would probably steal my main event for their two picks and just go right ahead with taking Edge and The Undertaker. But @ness , you are not most people. I propose an alternate decision. Alex Riley may be the exact dark horse that you need moving forward. Hear me out. Alex Riley may not be much of a force to be reckoned with ordinarily...but Alex Riley in space? Think of the possibilities. Space Riley could torment all the other superstars on your roster with his bullying expertise! Space wedgies! Think about it.

You may be onto something my friend. I have a feeling the characters in my fed are not all that important as the matches themselves. Sure Taker with his powers seems ideal, but maybe I don't want Kid to have access to him if he beats me. Plus Alex Riley's theme blasting from a black hole may have it's uses.

Yeah, genius idea.

Do it.

Ness' concept made me vote for him, beautifully written and fun as hell to read. Didn't particularly care about a single match but I'd love to have a ticket for that high stakes poker game. This might be the best draft I've seen in terms of pure effort and ideas from everybody. Take a bow, FF.

Beefcake and Sheiky Baby

You’re fucking kidding me @ness!

Damn you!

Jun 4, 2019 0:33:02 GMT KING KID said:

You’re fucking kidding me @ness !

Damn you!

Look at this guy. Assumes he's gonna beat me so he's pissed he can't get Taker or Edge!

It's on!

IM GOING TO DESTROY YOU!

YOU WILL FOREVER FAN FIC REST IN PEACEEEEEEEEE!

The Results~

Tessa Blanchard (Magee) def. Charlotte Flair (Trump)

The opening contest was definitely a match that happened. In a surprise to some Tessa picked up the first win for her team when she scored a hammerlock DDT on the outside. Trump was pissed and almost nuked Saudi Arabia from orbit, but calmed down when he realized you never want to win the first match. It's like the first pancake... it's always a failure. Totally! Oddly enough despite not having any titles in the company so far, Charlotte is somehow a 4x women's champion.

Luke Harper (Coin Toss) Wins the Scramble Match

Meiko scored the early victory in the first several minutes with a flash pin on Amell and held onto the sole fall for the majority of the match until Harper countered O'Haire's Spinning Inverted Corkscrew 630 Phoenix Double Footstomp into a Big Boot for the victory. With his win a coin was tossed into the air and it landed Tails putting Trump in a 0-2 slump. He may not drink, but at the rate he's going he may start...

Jon Moxley (Trump) def. Tetsuya Naito (Magee)

In what is arguably one of the bigger dream matches going today Moxley's first post-WWE match comes with a win over one of the Big 3 from New Japan. The match was not for the faint at heart. As we all know Canadian Geese do not give a single fuck. Of course we also learned if you slap one across the face they suddenly give many. Moxley scored Trump's first point by blocking Destino into an Electric Chair Driver (THE RUBIK'S CUUUUUUUUUUBE~!).

Strangling the System (Fergus Ferguson & The Strangler) [Trump] def. Team Happy Ending (TAKA Michinoku & Paige) [Magee]

In the only tag match of the night System refused to go out on his back by scoring a pinfall over Paige. Does he feel like less of a man because he beat a woman? Do what you gotta do to get to that pay windah. All four managed to get in the rocket before it exploded. I imagine if the other team won the rocket probably would've made a detour.

Toni Storm (Trump) def. Killer Kelly (Magee)

This match obviously had the most on the line. Officially Toni has joined Ness' Harem, the Waifu Workshop. Is a future rematch in the works? Possibly some live sex celebration on the newly readmitted planet, Pluto? STAY TUNED!

Dragon Dragon (Magee) def. Monty Brown (Trump)

It was dirty. It was nasty. It was truly Cor Von's last hunt. Dragon Dragon killed the Alpha Male "clever girl" style tying everything up at 3-points each. Course now Trump is down one guy. Still no word if anyone is gonna do anything about Brown's decomposing corpse.

Brock Lesnar (Trump) def. WALTER (Magee)

I hope you guys were live to witness this and not at some B-level WWE PPV. Just to be clear, I'd be down to watch even a lame HHH/RKO match that took place on Pluto. Are you kidding me? Anyways, they killed each other but unlike the previous battle I mean that figuratively. Brock got the win after hitting a shooting star press OFF OF A SHOOTING STAR flying above the would-be planet. Both guys jumped into orbit not long after (they can breathe in space it seems) as the tag match rocket flew into the planet and blew it up. No idea if the tag participants were on board. If they didn't sign a two match deal clearly they were...

Did Trump pull a fast one and decide to blow up the planet before the results or is he just really quick to execute stipulations? Either way #campaignpromise

THE WALL COMETH

What is next? Tune in to show 2. How can this possibly be topped? It probably can't, but damn if we're not gonna try!