Post by RT on Jun 1, 2019 4:14:59 GMT
ROUND 1
BODYSLAM
BODYSLAM
STARS OF THE PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE COME TOGETHER AS
IMPACT WRESTLING
PRESENTS A EVENT THAT WILL HAPPEN
ONE NIGHT ONLY
LIVE ON PPV
MAIN EVENT
Kazuchika Okada vs. Pentagon Jr
Co-Main Event
Mark & Jay Briscoe vs. LAX Santana & Ortiz
Special Challenge
Fenix vs. The Destroyer Bobby Lashley
The DRAW vs. The Villain
Sami Callihan vs. Marty Scurll
Triple Threat Tag Team Match
OVE Dave & Jake Crist vs.
The Beat Down Clan MVP & Kenny King vs.
Lethal Consequences Jay Lethal & Consequences Creed (Xavier Woods)
The Impact Original vs. The Party Peacock
Cowboy James Storm vs. Dalton Castle
The Past vs. The Future
Austin Aries vs. Ace Austin
IMPACT WRESTLING
PRESENTS A EVENT THAT WILL HAPPEN
ONE NIGHT ONLY
LIVE ON PPV
MAIN EVENT
Kazuchika Okada vs. Pentagon Jr
Co-Main Event
Mark & Jay Briscoe vs. LAX Santana & Ortiz
Special Challenge
Fenix vs. The Destroyer Bobby Lashley
The DRAW vs. The Villain
Sami Callihan vs. Marty Scurll
Triple Threat Tag Team Match
OVE Dave & Jake Crist vs.
The Beat Down Clan MVP & Kenny King vs.
Lethal Consequences Jay Lethal & Consequences Creed (Xavier Woods)
The Impact Original vs. The Party Peacock
Cowboy James Storm vs. Dalton Castle
The Past vs. The Future
Austin Aries vs. Ace Austin
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
BAKER
BAKER
WOW Presents
First World of Bronze
First World of Bronze
*Those of us at World of Wrestling have learned it's in our best interest to humor Lana Star whenever possible. Letting Lana think she's in charge keeps her content. More importantly, it keeps her out of our hair. For that reason, we have decided to oblige Lana's wishes by sharing the letters she wrote to her best friend Patti Pizzazz.
**DISCLAIMER: The views expressed here are Lana Star's and Lana Star's alone. They do notnecessarily reflect the views of WOW management, WOW staff, WOW fans, or any WOW wrestlers other than Lana Star. We also feel obligated to mention Lana Star is not The Executive Producer of WOW. We just let her pretend she is because, again, it keeps her out of our hair for a few minutes. Without further ado....
Dearest Patti,
Rejoice! Last year your heroine said she would eventually take time out of her busy schedule to write to you! You can always count on me, "The Fabulous" Lana Star, to remember the little people. I even enclosed a signed photo for the low, low price of $49.99. I gave you a discount because your my bff. You can pay me later. You're welcome!
By the way, I'm still trying to get you into WOW, but you wouldn't believe what a cheapskate Baker is. OMG he's even a bigger Scrooge than David McLane! I'm serious! I'm the Executive Producer of WOW and his biggest star, yet he won't even pay me the paltry sum of five million dollars per show. Can you believe this penny pinching dork?
Anyway, I want to tell you about our next pay per view. It's called First World of Bronze. I have no idea what that means. I don't think anybody does other than Baker. OMG he is soooo weird. He thinks he's clever but he really isn't. Trust me on this.
1. Kyle O'Reilly vs. Jack Gallagher
The first match is a nerd fight between Kylie O'Really and Zack Gallaher or something like that. I dunno. I don't pay much attention to these opening match geeks. All I know is one carries an umbrella and the other one likes armbars. In the spirit of generosity I told stupid Baker that the show should open with a tribute to me, "The Fabulous" Lana Star. Yes, I was willing to curtain jerk for the good of the company. But noooo! That dummy Baker thought armbars & umbrellas would be better. Makes sense now that I think about. Losers like Baker and these opening match goofs always stick together.
2. "The Fabulous" Lana Star vs. Judy Martin
I'm in the main event (of course) against this horrid hillbilly creature called Judy Martin. OMG she is soooo ugly! Patti, she has a mullet! As goddess as my witness this woman has a mullet. Unbelievable! She drinks moonshine too. Ugh! This horrible hose beast gives me the willies.
And the worst part is I brought her to WOW. It was my biggest mistake ever. The boys were clustered around me backstage as usual trying to impress me with their ludicrous tall tales. For some reason everybody is impressed with this move Bratista and The Skryscapers (more on them later) do called "The Powerbomb." I don't really get it myself. Like HELLO! Have you seen The Lana Star Facelift? But for some reason the fans and the boys go crazy over this silly Powerbomb move. Anyway, an ugly old geezer named Arm Anderson was "ribbing" them (wrestling terminology is soooo weird) about how their precious Powerbomb was actually invented by a "girl" (as if that's somehow inferior!) named Judy Martin.
Being a super genius, I came up with a plan to recruit this Judy Martin woman. See, the WOW Women's Champion is this really strong, really buff "woman" (I have my doubts) named China. I'm pretty sure Baker just lets her wrestle as a woman because he hates my guts. This China is HUGE! Of course she doesn't scare ME, "The Fearless" Lana Star. Perish the thought! BUT I do worry about potentially breaking one of my lovely pink nails in vanquishing this monster. So I figured the smartest thing to do would be paying an ugly ringer like Judy Martin to win the belt from that beastly China and then simply hand it over to me.
Judy took my money but didn't do her job. GRR!!! I was soooooo mad. It ALMOST made me miss the dastardly deeds of Poison and Ice Cold. That's how much I hate Judy "The Jerk" Martin. So in the main event I am gonna give Judy the beating of a lifetime. Nobody has EVER needed a Lana Star Facelift more than ugly Judy. Who knows? I might even cut her stupid mullet when I'm done.
3. Johnny Saint vs. Toru Yano
Eww! These guys are ugly and weird. Next.
4. Rick Rude (c) vs. Booger T- TV Championship Match
Rick Rood is almost an average looking guy. He's got fairly decent abs. But OMG Patti he has a mustache! YUCK! Gross! That thing freaks me out. I always think it's gonna leap off his face and attach itself to me. The anchor tattoo isn't helping either. I give him a 4/10.
What really burns my (pretty pink) britches is he's the TV Champion. Unacceptable! I asked stupid Baker why I, "The Fan Favorite" Lana Star am not the TV Champ. He said it's a men's title. Sooo sexist! When I complained he said I could challenge China for the Women's Title. I told him she's a man too! Then he kicked me out of his office. Life is so unfair....
Booger Tea really needs to cut back on the caffeine. He is sooo hyper. Like just chill dude. He's always doing this weird roly poly dance called the "Spinaroonie." Really! That's what he calls it! What a loser! And then he's always going on about how he was a 5 time champion in the land before time. Big deal! Did any of those 5 reigns last 12 glorious years like my fabulous title reign? I think not!
5. New Age Outlaws (c) vs. Double Trouble vs. Skyscrapers- Tag Team Championship Match
None of these teams can compare to the glory days when I carried you to the top of the tag team mountain. The New Age Outlaws are these cringey middle aged men who still act like they're in middle school. One says the same thing every time. The other is obsessed with his thoroughly mediocre butt. Double Trouble consists of Arm Anderson and Jeff Jerratt. Arm is a boring old man. Jerratt is a boring young man with Lana Star wannabe hair. The Skryscapers are two big buffoons and one of them has a hideous Judy Martin level mullet. Nothing to see here.
6. Chyna (c) vs. Sable- Women's Championship Match
China is this ugly gigantic dude who Baker lets compete in the Women's division because he doesn't want me to ever regain the title I made famous. Stable owes me money for gimmick infringement. She is SUCH a Lana Star wannabe. Ugh! I hate both of them. I held this title for 12 YEARS and now I have to sit back and watch a man and a wannabe fight for MY belt. Disgusting! Maybe I'll challenge the winner....
7. The Rock vs. Batista- Hollywood Backlot Brawl
The Roc and Bratista think they're soooo cool because they were in a few brainless blockbusters and desperate, ugly girls scream for them. I take great pleasure in being the catalyst for these two meatheads fighting each other. See, I wasbragging humbly discussing my role as Nara Burns in Spielberg's upcoming Exo Squad motion picture when Beavis and Butthead here started arguing about who gets to play the lead role of JT Marsh because they were both under the impression they'd get to have a sex scene with me, "The Fapworthy" Lana Star. LOL I let them think what they want. Even big dumb boys like these two need something to dream about in order to make it through their boring, humdrum lives. I'm so caring, generous, and giving. Hmm....perhaps I should petition for sainthood?
8. Ric Flair (c) vs. Ultimate Warrior- WOW Championship Match
Rick Flare is another almost decent looking guy. He's also a fairly decent wrestler. He's probably the least objectionable person in this company. I hung out with him once or twice. He's a bit cheap. His tastes are a little too common man for my liking. His mansion is kinda small and rundown. And his Porsche is a few years too old. But he's not a BAD guy. My biggest problem with Slic Rick is he's been champion for a year. That's getting a little too close for comfort. Only 11 more years to tie my record! We can't have that!
Ultimate Worrier is a hideous brute who has no idea how to properly apply makeup. Plus he wears tassels and neon like it's still 1991. What a loser! Even in a promotion full of fashion fails Warrior stands out. Patti, he actually growls. You wouldn't believe it. He snorted at me one time! How does one respond to that? Ugh! He gives me the creeps.
That's it. Not the best show in the world. But what are ya gonna do? Baker is a bad "booker." Plus I'll never forgive him for bringing men into WOW and changing the meaning from Women of Wrestling to World of Wrestling. Watch me give Judy Martin a much needed Lana Star Facelift and then look at your autograph pictures of me or whatever it is you do.
**DISCLAIMER: The views expressed here are Lana Star's and Lana Star's alone. They do not
Dearest Patti,
Rejoice! Last year your heroine said she would eventually take time out of her busy schedule to write to you! You can always count on me, "The Fabulous" Lana Star, to remember the little people. I even enclosed a signed photo for the low, low price of $49.99. I gave you a discount because your my bff. You can pay me later. You're welcome!
By the way, I'm still trying to get you into WOW, but you wouldn't believe what a cheapskate Baker is. OMG he's even a bigger Scrooge than David McLane! I'm serious! I'm the Executive Producer of WOW and his biggest star, yet he won't even pay me the paltry sum of five million dollars per show. Can you believe this penny pinching dork?
Anyway, I want to tell you about our next pay per view. It's called First World of Bronze. I have no idea what that means. I don't think anybody does other than Baker. OMG he is soooo weird. He thinks he's clever but he really isn't. Trust me on this.
1. Kyle O'Reilly vs. Jack Gallagher
The first match is a nerd fight between Kylie O'Really and Zack Gallaher or something like that. I dunno. I don't pay much attention to these opening match geeks. All I know is one carries an umbrella and the other one likes armbars. In the spirit of generosity I told stupid Baker that the show should open with a tribute to me, "The Fabulous" Lana Star. Yes, I was willing to curtain jerk for the good of the company. But noooo! That dummy Baker thought armbars & umbrellas would be better. Makes sense now that I think about. Losers like Baker and these opening match goofs always stick together.
2. "The Fabulous" Lana Star vs. Judy Martin
I'm in the main event (of course) against this horrid hillbilly creature called Judy Martin. OMG she is soooo ugly! Patti, she has a mullet! As goddess as my witness this woman has a mullet. Unbelievable! She drinks moonshine too. Ugh! This horrible hose beast gives me the willies.
And the worst part is I brought her to WOW. It was my biggest mistake ever. The boys were clustered around me backstage as usual trying to impress me with their ludicrous tall tales. For some reason everybody is impressed with this move Bratista and The Skryscapers (more on them later) do called "The Powerbomb." I don't really get it myself. Like HELLO! Have you seen The Lana Star Facelift? But for some reason the fans and the boys go crazy over this silly Powerbomb move. Anyway, an ugly old geezer named Arm Anderson was "ribbing" them (wrestling terminology is soooo weird) about how their precious Powerbomb was actually invented by a "girl" (as if that's somehow inferior!) named Judy Martin.
Being a super genius, I came up with a plan to recruit this Judy Martin woman. See, the WOW Women's Champion is this really strong, really buff "woman" (I have my doubts) named China. I'm pretty sure Baker just lets her wrestle as a woman because he hates my guts. This China is HUGE! Of course she doesn't scare ME, "The Fearless" Lana Star. Perish the thought! BUT I do worry about potentially breaking one of my lovely pink nails in vanquishing this monster. So I figured the smartest thing to do would be paying an ugly ringer like Judy Martin to win the belt from that beastly China and then simply hand it over to me.
Judy took my money but didn't do her job. GRR!!! I was soooooo mad. It ALMOST made me miss the dastardly deeds of Poison and Ice Cold. That's how much I hate Judy "The Jerk" Martin. So in the main event I am gonna give Judy the beating of a lifetime. Nobody has EVER needed a Lana Star Facelift more than ugly Judy. Who knows? I might even cut her stupid mullet when I'm done.
3. Johnny Saint vs. Toru Yano
Eww! These guys are ugly and weird. Next.
4. Rick Rude (c) vs. Booger T- TV Championship Match
Rick Rood is almost an average looking guy. He's got fairly decent abs. But OMG Patti he has a mustache! YUCK! Gross! That thing freaks me out. I always think it's gonna leap off his face and attach itself to me. The anchor tattoo isn't helping either. I give him a 4/10.
What really burns my (pretty pink) britches is he's the TV Champion. Unacceptable! I asked stupid Baker why I, "The Fan Favorite" Lana Star am not the TV Champ. He said it's a men's title. Sooo sexist! When I complained he said I could challenge China for the Women's Title. I told him she's a man too! Then he kicked me out of his office. Life is so unfair....
Booger Tea really needs to cut back on the caffeine. He is sooo hyper. Like just chill dude. He's always doing this weird roly poly dance called the "Spinaroonie." Really! That's what he calls it! What a loser! And then he's always going on about how he was a 5 time champion in the land before time. Big deal! Did any of those 5 reigns last 12 glorious years like my fabulous title reign? I think not!
5. New Age Outlaws (c) vs. Double Trouble vs. Skyscrapers- Tag Team Championship Match
None of these teams can compare to the glory days when I carried you to the top of the tag team mountain. The New Age Outlaws are these cringey middle aged men who still act like they're in middle school. One says the same thing every time. The other is obsessed with his thoroughly mediocre butt. Double Trouble consists of Arm Anderson and Jeff Jerratt. Arm is a boring old man. Jerratt is a boring young man with Lana Star wannabe hair. The Skryscapers are two big buffoons and one of them has a hideous Judy Martin level mullet. Nothing to see here.
6. Chyna (c) vs. Sable- Women's Championship Match
China is this ugly gigantic dude who Baker lets compete in the Women's division because he doesn't want me to ever regain the title I made famous. Stable owes me money for gimmick infringement. She is SUCH a Lana Star wannabe. Ugh! I hate both of them. I held this title for 12 YEARS and now I have to sit back and watch a man and a wannabe fight for MY belt. Disgusting! Maybe I'll challenge the winner....
7. The Rock vs. Batista- Hollywood Backlot Brawl
The Roc and Bratista think they're soooo cool because they were in a few brainless blockbusters and desperate, ugly girls scream for them. I take great pleasure in being the catalyst for these two meatheads fighting each other. See, I was
8. Ric Flair (c) vs. Ultimate Warrior- WOW Championship Match
Rick Flare is another almost decent looking guy. He's also a fairly decent wrestler. He's probably the least objectionable person in this company. I hung out with him once or twice. He's a bit cheap. His tastes are a little too common man for my liking. His mansion is kinda small and rundown. And his Porsche is a few years too old. But he's not a BAD guy. My biggest problem with Slic Rick is he's been champion for a year. That's getting a little too close for comfort. Only 11 more years to tie my record! We can't have that!
Ultimate Worrier is a hideous brute who has no idea how to properly apply makeup. Plus he wears tassels and neon like it's still 1991. What a loser! Even in a promotion full of fashion fails Warrior stands out. Patti, he actually growls. You wouldn't believe it. He snorted at me one time! How does one respond to that? Ugh! He gives me the creeps.
That's it. Not the best show in the world. But what are ya gonna do? Baker is a bad "booker." Plus I'll never forgive him for bringing men into WOW and changing the meaning from Women of Wrestling to World of Wrestling. Watch me give Judy Martin a much needed Lana Star Facelift and then look at your autograph pictures of me or whatever it is you do.
With love,
Your favorite wrestler,
Your favorite wrestler's favorite wrestler,
Hollywood's Hottest Heroine,
The Princess in Pink,
The Queen of Sports Entertainment,
The Executive Producer of WOW,
12 Years a Champ,
"The Fabulous" Lana Star
xoxo
-------------------------------------------
Your favorite wrestler,
Your favorite wrestler's favorite wrestler,
Hollywood's Hottest Heroine,
The Princess in Pink,
The Queen of Sports Entertainment,
The Executive Producer of WOW,
12 Years a Champ,
"The Fabulous" Lana Star
xoxo
-------------------------------------------
To use a Lana Starism, ugh! I want to barf. That was the biggest load of drivel I have ever read. Unfortunately, Lana's letter took up most of our magazine space. So I'll have to give you a relative quick rundown of our upcoming PPV blockbuster.
1. Kyle O'Reilly vs. Jack Gallagher
What better way to kick things off than a showcase match between two of the finest young technical wrestlers in the world. Jack Gallagher has mastered the scientific British style while O'Reilly has an exciting MMA influenced style. Both grapplers are looking to climb the ladder, and a win here would do wonders for either man.
2. "The Fabulous" Lana Star vs. Judy Martin- #1 Contenders Match
*We are contractually obligated to post a Lana Star photo. That woman is so full of herself....
Don't believe the deranged rants of Lana Star. Believe the hundreds of "Lana Fears Chyna" signs fans hold up at every WOW show. Yes, it is true that Lana Star was technically the WOW champion for 12 years. What she always fails to mention is WOW was on hiatus for 11 and a half of those years! She lost the title not long after Baker bought the promotion and rebranded it to World Of Wrestling. That belt eventually found its way around Chyna's waist. Lana wanted no part of "The Ninth Wonder of the World" so she went on a worldwide search in order to find a woman who would do her dirty work for her.....
Enter Judy Martin. It is true that Judy Martin popularized the Powerbomb which she calls "The Drip Dry." Lana did indeed pay Judy very well and Judy was on a roll as Lana's henchwoman. But Martin quickly got fed up with Lana's bullying and constant insults. Chyna was successfully defending the title in Japan while all this was going on so we never did get the long awaited Judy Martin vs. Chyna showdown. Judy had enough victories to challenge Chyna but she put that on the backburner just to get her hands on Lana Star. Here's hoping "The Mistress of The Drip Dry" finally rids WOW of its self proclaimed Executive Producer once and for all.
3. Johnny Saint vs. Toru Yano
This has the potential to be the most entertaining match on the entire card. The technical acumen of Johnny Saint is such that he can make even the most stoic wrestlers look like fools. Here he's got the perfect opponent in Toru Yano, who looks foolish even when he's not trying! But never underestimate the trickery of "The Sublime Master Thief." Oh yeah. This has the potential to be a genre classic.
4. Rick Rude (c) vs. Booker T- TV Title Match
Rude has defended the TV Title for months against all comers. Yet this will be his toughest challenge to date. Booker T has been on the roll of a lifetime since he and his brother lost the tag titles to the New Age Outlaws and were forced to disband. Since then Book has racked up wins over such wrestlers as his brother (in a Loser Leaves Town Match), O'Reilly, Yano, and even Jeff Jarrett.
5. New Age Outlaws (c) vs. Double Trouble (Arn & Jarrett) vs. Skyscrapers (Sid & Dan Spivey)- Tag Title Match
The popular New Age Outlaws have held the belts since defeating Harlem Heat three months ago. Double Trouble recently joined forces with Arn taking Jarrett under his wing on orders from Ric Flair himself. JJ was struggling up until then. He wasn't quite good enough in the ring and his cheating wasn't quite working out either. Yet Flair saw something in the kid. So he got Arn to teach him the Ways of the Horsemen. Flair knows he won't be around forever. So he's training Jarrett to be his eventual successor. Arn isn't too happy about this, but he's obliged. Double J has proven to be a quick study, and Double Trouble has been on a roll since Double A began training Double J. The Skyscrapers started out as villains. Yet the more asses they kick, the more the fans gravitate towards them. At this point they're neck and neck with the Outlaws when it comes to popularity. So here you've got the size and strength of the Skyscrapers vs. the wily ways of Double Trouble vs.....whatever it is the New Age Outlaws are good at.
6. Chyna (c) vs. Lana Star- Women's Title Match
Here it is. The biggest women's match in wrestling history. These are the two most popular female wrestlers to come down the pike since.....ever. Sorry, not sorry, Lana Star. This match is nearly one year in the making. Chyna has defeated woman after woman from around the world, often in under 5 minutes. Nobody has been able to slow her down. She is like a one woman Skyscraper....
Meanwhile, Sable has been slowly rising up the other end of the card while Chyna's been busy destroying people. Sable started as merely the valet for her long gone husband. They eventually had a falling out. Sable shocked the world by beating this badd man in a Loser Leaves Town Match, earning the fans love in the process. Since then she's been on a roll, winning match after match, while learning more moves and gaining more skill every time out.
Slowly but surely this turned into a dream match (first proposed in this very magazine, I might add). Worlds collided when Sable accepted Chyna's latest open challenge. The crowd went crazy. And they will be split 50/50 for this battle of the ages. Badass vs. Heartthrob....9th Wonder of the World vs. The Everywoman. And the best thing about is no Lana Star!
7. The Rock vs. Batista- Hollywood Backlot Brawl
As far as we know, Lana Star's Exo Squad movie is not a real thing, and The Rock is not feuding with Batista over the opportunity to do a sex scene with Lana f'n Star. That woman...
The truth is these two simply do not like each another. Each man thinks he's the bigger star. Rock thinks Batista is just a Rock wannabe. Batista feels like Rock is old hat and he's the new action hero in town. The insults have been flying back and forth between these two but the time for talk is over. Drax and The Scorpion King will settle things the old fashioned way......by fighting in the streets (of Hollywood). Rest assured there will be no white Bronco chases or anything reminiscent of Goldust vs. Roddy Piper. Our Hollywood Backlot Brawls are different.
8. Ric Flair (c) vs. Ultimate Warrior- WOW Championship Match
The legendary Ric Flair has been WOW Champion for one year. At one time or another he has defeated all the greats in and out of WOW.....
With one exception....
THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!
After years of speculation, and months of hype, it is finally time for....
THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!
Warrior vs. Flair.... Good Guy vs. Bad Guy.... Rich Guy vs. Unhinged Spaceman.... Power vs. Technique.... Intensity vs. Stamina.... Chyna style vs. Lana style. This is bound to be the ultimate (pun intended) style clash. For that reason it is headlining this show as the main eventiest of this stacked Triple Main Event extravaganza.
-------------------------------
Yawn. Boring. Who cares about all that nonsense? There's one reason, and one reason only to order this show....
"The Fabulous" Lana Star!
Duh.
1. Kyle O'Reilly vs. Jack Gallagher
What better way to kick things off than a showcase match between two of the finest young technical wrestlers in the world. Jack Gallagher has mastered the scientific British style while O'Reilly has an exciting MMA influenced style. Both grapplers are looking to climb the ladder, and a win here would do wonders for either man.
2. "The Fabulous" Lana Star vs. Judy Martin- #1 Contenders Match
*We are contractually obligated to post a Lana Star photo. That woman is so full of herself....
Don't believe the deranged rants of Lana Star. Believe the hundreds of "Lana Fears Chyna" signs fans hold up at every WOW show. Yes, it is true that Lana Star was technically the WOW champion for 12 years. What she always fails to mention is WOW was on hiatus for 11 and a half of those years! She lost the title not long after Baker bought the promotion and rebranded it to World Of Wrestling. That belt eventually found its way around Chyna's waist. Lana wanted no part of "The Ninth Wonder of the World" so she went on a worldwide search in order to find a woman who would do her dirty work for her.....
Enter Judy Martin. It is true that Judy Martin popularized the Powerbomb which she calls "The Drip Dry." Lana did indeed pay Judy very well and Judy was on a roll as Lana's henchwoman. But Martin quickly got fed up with Lana's bullying and constant insults. Chyna was successfully defending the title in Japan while all this was going on so we never did get the long awaited Judy Martin vs. Chyna showdown. Judy had enough victories to challenge Chyna but she put that on the backburner just to get her hands on Lana Star. Here's hoping "The Mistress of The Drip Dry" finally rids WOW of its self proclaimed Executive Producer once and for all.
3. Johnny Saint vs. Toru Yano
This has the potential to be the most entertaining match on the entire card. The technical acumen of Johnny Saint is such that he can make even the most stoic wrestlers look like fools. Here he's got the perfect opponent in Toru Yano, who looks foolish even when he's not trying! But never underestimate the trickery of "The Sublime Master Thief." Oh yeah. This has the potential to be a genre classic.
4. Rick Rude (c) vs. Booker T- TV Title Match
Rude has defended the TV Title for months against all comers. Yet this will be his toughest challenge to date. Booker T has been on the roll of a lifetime since he and his brother lost the tag titles to the New Age Outlaws and were forced to disband. Since then Book has racked up wins over such wrestlers as his brother (in a Loser Leaves Town Match), O'Reilly, Yano, and even Jeff Jarrett.
5. New Age Outlaws (c) vs. Double Trouble (Arn & Jarrett) vs. Skyscrapers (Sid & Dan Spivey)- Tag Title Match
The popular New Age Outlaws have held the belts since defeating Harlem Heat three months ago. Double Trouble recently joined forces with Arn taking Jarrett under his wing on orders from Ric Flair himself. JJ was struggling up until then. He wasn't quite good enough in the ring and his cheating wasn't quite working out either. Yet Flair saw something in the kid. So he got Arn to teach him the Ways of the Horsemen. Flair knows he won't be around forever. So he's training Jarrett to be his eventual successor. Arn isn't too happy about this, but he's obliged. Double J has proven to be a quick study, and Double Trouble has been on a roll since Double A began training Double J. The Skyscrapers started out as villains. Yet the more asses they kick, the more the fans gravitate towards them. At this point they're neck and neck with the Outlaws when it comes to popularity. So here you've got the size and strength of the Skyscrapers vs. the wily ways of Double Trouble vs.....whatever it is the New Age Outlaws are good at.
6. Chyna (c) vs. Lana Star- Women's Title Match
Here it is. The biggest women's match in wrestling history. These are the two most popular female wrestlers to come down the pike since.....ever. Sorry, not sorry, Lana Star. This match is nearly one year in the making. Chyna has defeated woman after woman from around the world, often in under 5 minutes. Nobody has been able to slow her down. She is like a one woman Skyscraper....
Meanwhile, Sable has been slowly rising up the other end of the card while Chyna's been busy destroying people. Sable started as merely the valet for her long gone husband. They eventually had a falling out. Sable shocked the world by beating this badd man in a Loser Leaves Town Match, earning the fans love in the process. Since then she's been on a roll, winning match after match, while learning more moves and gaining more skill every time out.
Slowly but surely this turned into a dream match (first proposed in this very magazine, I might add). Worlds collided when Sable accepted Chyna's latest open challenge. The crowd went crazy. And they will be split 50/50 for this battle of the ages. Badass vs. Heartthrob....9th Wonder of the World vs. The Everywoman. And the best thing about is no Lana Star!
7. The Rock vs. Batista- Hollywood Backlot Brawl
As far as we know, Lana Star's Exo Squad movie is not a real thing, and The Rock is not feuding with Batista over the opportunity to do a sex scene with Lana f'n Star. That woman...
The truth is these two simply do not like each another. Each man thinks he's the bigger star. Rock thinks Batista is just a Rock wannabe. Batista feels like Rock is old hat and he's the new action hero in town. The insults have been flying back and forth between these two but the time for talk is over. Drax and The Scorpion King will settle things the old fashioned way......by fighting in the streets (of Hollywood). Rest assured there will be no white Bronco chases or anything reminiscent of Goldust vs. Roddy Piper. Our Hollywood Backlot Brawls are different.8. Ric Flair (c) vs. Ultimate Warrior- WOW Championship Match
The legendary Ric Flair has been WOW Champion for one year. At one time or another he has defeated all the greats in and out of WOW.....
With one exception....
THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!
After years of speculation, and months of hype, it is finally time for....
THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!
Warrior vs. Flair.... Good Guy vs. Bad Guy.... Rich Guy vs. Unhinged Spaceman.... Power vs. Technique.... Intensity vs. Stamina.... Chyna style vs. Lana style. This is bound to be the ultimate (pun intended) style clash. For that reason it is headlining this show as the main eventiest of this stacked Triple Main Event extravaganza.
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Yawn. Boring. Who cares about all that nonsense? There's one reason, and one reason only to order this show....
"The Fabulous" Lana Star!
Duh.
