WARNING

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“This shit literally makes no sense and shouldn’t… I can’t be bothered to do “research”, these are alternative facts so DEAL WITH IT! This would never happen, but does so anyways; All logic is about to go out the window, ya stupid marks!” -- rad

"Yes, I tagged myself in this... I didn't even know you could DO that!" -- also rad

TABLE OF MISPRINTS

Chapter 1: "The Gobbledy Taker"

Chapter 1: 

"The Gobbledy Taker"

-- The man we all know as The Undertaker would make his first big break in pro wrestling… as the Gobbledy Gooker at Survivor Series ‘91, a literal turkey jumping out from a fake egg on steroids. Bad gimmicks would soon become Marc’s bag. The gimmick never got over and Marc was forced to take time off to rework the persona.. of a man-turkey; The Gooker needed extra dimensions. Just kidding, they turned Marc into Marc Moon instead and he never forgave Vince for it. Jumping ship to WCW, alternate Taker would have a few decent years under the name of his old WCCW Texas Red character before signing on with Paul Heyman and ECW as they took the wrestling scene by storm. Unfortunately, he would debut here as “The Zombie”. This phantom ghoul felt the pressure quickly, as the die-hard Philadelphians fucking hated his guts. He was then booked under his real name, but then immediately jumped ship back to WCW. Eric Bischoff didn’t like him either apparently, because he was given a knock-off version of Diesel named “Biofuel” to get under the skin of Kevin Nash in a show of pure machismo territory-marking; Southern wrasslin’ fans hate any sort of alternative fuel that gives any story of credence to the theory of Global Warming, so that didn’t help him either. Eventually, alternate Taker gave Vince and the WWF one last shot in ‘97 but wound up becoming a member of that biker faction that no one remembers… the one with Crush... What was their name again? ... Oh yeah, those guys! Marc finally found a gimmick that he liked and suited his real-life persona but Vince scrapped the stable within a few years and let Callaway go. Last I heard, Marc drove off on his Harley into the sunset and no one’s seen that poor bastard since...

-- Once, a worker backstage made a joke on behalf of the WWF Hardcore Championship upon its debut with Mankind in 1998. Little did the guy know, Vince McMahon had overheard him. Thinking to himself, “I’ll show THAT GUY!” Vince decided that when Mankind eventually won the WWF Championship, the 24/7 rule would be applied to the main title from thereafter. It would soon devalue the title and fans hated it, but McMahon was persistent. The rule remained in place for over a year, with the unforeseen caveat of making Stone Cold Steve Austin look like even more of a badass than ever before. Unfortunately, because of some wise-ass backstage and Vince’s stubborn ego, it also resulted in the likes of guys like Road Dogg, Gangrel, X-Pac, Ahmed Johnson and especially all the members of The Oddities getting reigns in a big game of Winged Eagle hot potato; all of which lasted just under a day.

-- The Summer of Punk never happened, but was instead “The Summer of Jarrett” as Double J unleashed a reign of terror upon TNA, threatening to leave his own promotion for the WWE with the TNA World Championship held hostage in the process… and not a single soul watching actually bought into the idea.

-- Gillberg was actually signed by WCW so Bill Goldberg could enact some revenge. Vince Russo of course prolonged the storyline to get some fun in, with Bill never actually being able to physically harm Gillberg leading up to their big pay-per-view match in 2000. Goldberg was told to let Gillberg go over because he had begun to get over with the fans and Russo saw dollar signs apparently, envisioning a big feud between him and David Arquette in the future. Goldberg refused and nearly walked out of the building before creative finally relented and agreed to let Bill win instead. It would end up being the last match of Dwayne Gill’s professional wrestling career… a Superkick heard ‘round the world.

-- Rob Van Dam never became a big fan of marijuana, but he sure loved ecstasy. RVD needed money for that e though and Heyman couldn’t fit the bills; Ted Turner on the other hand... It would soon be incorporated into his gimmick as Van Dam became “Rob Van Dance” in WCW, a complete raver gimmick with the pacifier, glow sticks and oversized teddy bear that he loved to hug and carry with him to the ring. The pairing of RVD & Disco Inferno was truly a sight to see, and their eventual WCW Tag Team Championship win against The Outsiders in 1997, though it definitely was a short title reign (it was like, a week, if that.. Six days I think? Who fuckin’ knows man…) Alex Wright came and the Boogie Knights became a stable that lasted way too long. RVD defected and joined 3-Count instead, and they were named 4-Count because that definitely made more sense. Unfortunately, RVD would leave wrestling altogether, went to rehab and wound up pursuing a career in mixed martial arts. He is however now in possession of a medical marijuana card to treat the injuries he suffered during his brief, but ultimately painful career in MMA.

-- Dustin Rhodes preferred wrestling in backyard deathmatches specifically because it pissed his father Dusty off. This sort of explained the stupid “Hayride Havoc” match that he would end up having with Ian Rotten at Starrcade, where the two literally fought a match in the back of a zamboni-carried haywagon driven down the ramp and around the ring. Dustin bladed Rotten and this would cost him his job. Ian chose to leave in solidarity with Dustin, and ECW truly became extreme after their “Time Bomb Explosive Barbwire Rope Piranha Swimming In A Fishtank Covered In Retractable Razors And Time-Released Fully-Automatic Shotguns Match” at Hardcore Heaven ‘95. This very contest was rated as 9.7 stars by David Meltzer of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter.

-- Stephanie McMahon would go on to marry Sean Waltman instead of Triple H. This resulted in X-Pac winning the WWF Championship during its 24/7 phase, and then again in a rematch at Wrestlemania 2000 one year later in the “McMahon’s And All Their Extended Family Lumberjack Match” main event that included just three wrestlers in total. “The Reign of Terror” was X-Pac’s third reign with the belt in 2001, where he would go on to hold the belt for an excruciating 9 months after taking it off of Stone Cold Steve Austin at Judgment Day. This was due to heel Austin never getting over, Vince panicking and then impulsively striking the reset button. How did it end? Well, Vince decided to put the title on the line in the Royal Rumble match once again after X-Pac and Stephanie divorced, resulting in, yes -- Stephanie McMahon becoming the first ever female WWF Champion.

-- Vince Russo wouldn’t join TNA until 2005 after Jim Cornette threatened to quit if the company hired him. Russo decided to take this time off to film a reality television show entitled “Who’s That Bro?” a 70’s style date show with the catch being that it’s just dudes trying to find a new friend to totally kick it with and be stoked about the general vibe and stuff. “Who’s That Bro?” reached moderate success, enough so that it would convince TNA to rethink their decisions in trusting Corney and hiring him years after the fact. Cornette would ultimately leave, promising to “shit on Vince Russo’s grave” and that he would “never wipe his ass again” from there on out. Russo would go on to book the “Summer of Jarrett”, one of pro wrestling’s least believable storylines of all-time.

This. Is. Awesome!
*clap clap clapclapclap*

(But DEDSRS, this is awesome.)

I'm here strictly for the banners.

Jul 19, 2020 1:52:19 GMT @ness said:

I'm here strictly for the banners.

Chapter 2:
"PolitiAniFlatEarthime'Mania Runnin' Wild -- DUCK FOR COVER!!! HERE COMES THE BROTHER GOVERNOR!!!"

-- Remember when Hulk Hogan didn't sign with WCW and chose a career in politics instead of acting (same career pretty much) way back in '94? Well, I do: He ran under the Republican Party ticket of course for Governor of Florida... And lost miserably, receiving just 1.5% of the state's popular vote. Turns out Hogan didn't sell much in this career arena either, docking the least amount of campaign trips throughout his campaign run then any other candidate. Back in the wrasslin' world (which is not flat, AJ Styles... I REPEAT! NOT FLAT! DO YOU EVEN SCIENCE, BRO!?) Randy Savage would end up becoming the de facto leader of the New World Order faction that by this point was about to take the wrestling industry by storm. By proxy, the Hulkster had to get some of that sweet, sweet Macho Man spotlight stealing by any and all means necessary.. by, y'know... like, just breathing and being in general the total selfish douchebag that he is. About a month into Randy's role as head honcho of this new cool stable, a second coming in his otherwise declining historic career, WCW made huge headlines by signing Hulk Hogan and immediately having him win the World Heavyweight Championship about a month into Savage's title reign... and also as the leader of the nWo. Man, I really don't take back what I said earlier: Hogan's a real dick, even here in a fake alternate timeline....

-- Kenny Omega and Cody Rhodes seem to have had a disagreement in terms of creative direction with All Elite Wrestling (AEW), ultimately creating a split between the two that still lingers on years later. Omega is now the proud owner of the "Super Joshi Tekken NOT BAD WOMENS DIVISION Spotclub", or what one internet user via Reddit described as, quote: "a promotion based in the high school judo dens of Japan, which seems to be some cross between Stardom, anime fight porn and Wrestling Society X", unquote. Not so surprisingly, the fed has gained quite some traction through a cult following overseas in America, as well as an OnlyFans account featuring exclusive "Gamer Girl Bathtub Matches" according to some stranger I talked to down the street. Not sure why he knows that, dude's not even a wrestling fan...

-- The man we all know as AJ Styles actually debuted in an alternate TNA as "EL VELOCITO", a racially insensitive white-skinned luchadore beneath a mask and an entrance-wearing sombrero. He was known consume burritos whilst riding the backside of a donkey during ring entrances, only to be mercilessly jobbed out to the likes of Konnan, Psciosis, La Parka, Super Crazy and even a young Hernandez on a near weekly basis, eventually driving these men of different personalities but similar background to form a faction called "FVR". What did these acronyms stand for? To this day no one truly knows, but the most likely theory among the internet seems to be the most plausible to me: "Fuck Vince Russo". Seriously? How did you not guess that he was involved with this? Of course he was! The character received so much backlash that it nearly tanked both TNA and even AJ Styles career. Luckily for AJ, he was forced to ditch the mask and take some time off for sensitivity training before returning back to his original ring name persona. This humbling experience did not however prevent Styles from subscribing to the flat earth conspiracy later on in life.

-- It was a dark, dark day when Honey Boo Boo of all creatures won the WWE Diva's Championship back in 2013 as a mainstream ratings ploy by "The Grinch Who Never Gave Back Christmas" Vince McMahon... a literal child! But, nevertheless, the youngest WWE titleholder in the promotion's history... With a tramp stamp title of all things... Who the hell thought this was a good idea!? Who the hell did AJ LEE piss off!? I mean, luckily it didn't last long, and it devalued the Divas Championship so much that they got rid of it just months later, and soon the Women's Revolution began, so... Yay? PROGRESS!?!? Please forgive me, but, I don't think I wanna talk about this anymore; Let's "move a long, sir".

-- Speaking of dark days, I 'member when the WWF changed Bret Hart's theme song to "Summer of '69" by Bryan Adams. Vince McMahon was quite insistent that Bryan Adams do Bret's theme after pulling a rare move of paying for the licensing fees of Mr. Adams' music; Bold choice there, Vincent... bold indeed. Crazy enough, Adams himself was on hand to perform the song at WrestleMania II for Bret Hart's entrance. Apparently Vince was keen on capturing the Canadian demographic, but unbeknownst to him: the majority of Canadians loathed the man and his music, only further driving a wedge between the promotion and the fanbase of an entire country. When asked about this years later, Bret Hart would go on to comment: "No one likes Bryan Adams... Canadians... Most Americans... Most people with common sense. Vince sometimes doesn't have that... in fact, I know this because there was one cassette tape he owned in his entire collection at the old Stamford office: Bryan Adams 1984 LP "Reckless", the Hitmeister shits you NOT, my dude!" 

-- You people are fuckin' ungrateful... I have to deal with so much shitty wrestling in this alternate dimension of suckage... you 'member booing Brock Lesnar and Goldberg at WrestleMania XX 'cause they were about to leave the company for bigger and better things, like failed NFL and Hollywood careers... but in my world, I saw Brock Lesnar lose to a debuting Hornswoggle. Actually, it was kind of awesome... then he was revealed to be Brock's illegitimate son after he left. Lesnar now wrestles in AEW as the leader of the hip hop inspired stable "Brock Til You Drop" which sucks... but, uh--- his current feud with Marko Stunt is pretty kickass, not gonna lie.