Post by 1RealSmartAlex on Dec 26, 2020 4:06:41 GMT
FFCW ‘Twas the Fight
Special Edition
Santa’s Workshop
The North Pole
[WARNING: THIS IS SOME NON-CANNON SILLY SHIT.]
J-Rose: Please welcome the interim General Manager of FFCW...SANTA CLAUS!
[Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town plays as Santa comes on stage!!!]
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas wrestling fans! I hope you are all on my nice list this year unlike Mitch McConnell! Tonight, we’re going to have eight big matches! We will have a triple main event featuring a Power Twelve Days of Christmas Rumble! An Arose Such A Ladder Match between The Real NoRTh AMericans and Legacy for the FFCW World Tag Team Championships! And in the main event, PI will defend the FFCW World Championship in a Miracle on 34th Street Fight! And in fact, since Santa likes it hardcore...just ask Mrs. Claus...Every match tonight is going to have a stipulation of some kind! There are different stipulation types underneath my tree!
To start things off, we’re going to have a White Elephant Party featuring ten of the stars who might be in the Power Twelve Days of Christmas Match! Let’s bring them out!
[Jingle Bell Rock plays as Baker, Big Evil, The Dazzler, Radikal, The Kid, T-Money, KJ, jTj, WMS, and Greg walk on stage.]
Santa: All right boys. Here’s how it works. Each of you is going to reach into Santa’s bag and pull out an ornament. In my bag there are four different colored ornaments, there is 1 black ornament, 4 red ornaments, 4 green ornaments, and 1 gold ornament. If you get a black ornament, I’m sorry, but that’s the same as coal to me. You won’t be in the battle royal. If you have a red ornament, you are guaranteed a number between 1 and 6 in the Power 12 Days of Christmas Match. If you draw a green ornament, you are guaranteed a number between 7 and 12 in the Power 12 Days of Christmas Match. If you have the gold ornament, lucky you! You will face PI for the FFCW World Championship in our main event!
Now boys, before you stick your hand into my bag...know this. You won’t necessarily keep the ornament you draw. The people with the red and black ornaments will be able to challenge the people with the green and gold ornaments, and they can trade ornaments if the person with the lesser ornament wins. Now, there are also going to be four surprising entries in the Power 12 Days of Christmas match, so be ready for that. Now, everyone grab an ornament…
[Black]-Greg
[Red]- KJ, The Dazzler, T-Money, and The Kid
[Green]-Big Evil, Baker, WMS, and jTj
[Gold]-Radikal
Santa: All right, boys, Let’s get to challenging. Who wants to challenge first?
KJ: I want to challenge Radikal for the gold ornament!
The Kid: Hey! I want to challenge him!
Santa: Sorry, Kid. KJ spoke up first. KJ will put his red ornament up against Radikal’s gold ornament. I’ll let you go next though.
The Kid: Baker thinks this is the 90s.
He’s largely unproven.
I’ll beat his old ass.
On his face, I’ll be groovin’.
Santa: Well. That sounds kinda naughty. Anyways. Who wants to pick next?
[Greg tries to speak up, but Dazzler steps in.]
Dazzler: My last match before paternity leave was against jTj, but I didn’t even get to finish the match. I think we have some unfinished business.
[Greg is about to approach Santa when WMS runs in.]
WMS: Hold on! I’m not risking getting blackballed. I want T-Money!
Santa: WMS versus T-Money. Sounds fine to me. Well Greg, that means you’ll be facing-
Greg: But! Santa!
Santa: Sorry, Greg. You’ve got Big Evil!!!
[Wild Thing by X plays, and Big Evil walks down to the ring.]
Punk: That was the longest intro since FF NXT when Matt Striker used to do the intros.
Mathews: Where’s your Christmas spirit, Punk?
Santa: Now let’s find out what kind of match they’re going to be competing in!
[Santa reaches under the tree and grabs a present.]
Santa: All right...Looks like it’s going to be a Hot Chocolate Match!
Punk: Oh god. He wasn’t done. What is a Hot Chocolate Match?
Mathews: Hold on. They gave me a list. So, there are going to be two steaming hot pools of hot chocolate around the ring, and whomever throws their opponent into the pool first wins.
[‘Hot Chocolate’ from Polar Express plays as two people bring down the pools of hot chocolate.]
Mathews: So, if Greg wins, they trade ornaments. The loser will get the black ornament and be out of the Power Twelve. The winner will be in the second half of the Power 12. Is that right?
Punk: Why are you asking me?
White Elephant Party
Hot Chocolate Match
Big Evil [GREEN] versus Greg [BLACK]
The bell rings and Big Evil runs at Greg knocking him down with a big boot. He picks him up and hits him with a powerbomb. He then picks him up and powerbombs him into the Hot Chocolate. Squash.
Winner, Big Evil [GREEN]
Loser, Greg [BLACK]
Punk: That was it?
Mathews: What were you expecting? It was a Greg match?
Punk: Why did I agree to do this?
Mathews: None of this is real.
Punk: I know.
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Time for another match! Let’s do Kid and Baker next. I wonder what kind of match it’s going to be.
[Santa grabs a present from under the tree.]
Santa: Looks like it’s going to be a Jingle Bell on a North Pole Match!
Punk: WHAT? What is that?
Mathews: Where is my cheat sheet?
Punk: Why do you have a cheat sheet?
Mathews: You want it? So. Apparently there’s a big pole with a bell on the top of it. Whoever rings the bell first, wins.
White Elephant Party
Jingle Bell on a North Pole Match
The Kid [RED] versus Baker [GREEN]
The ring bell rings, and they both go to the corner with the bell. They fight in the corner. They both are trying to get to the bell. They fight up to the top rope and Kid superplexes Baker to the floor. He goes to ring the bell, but he slips and falls to the floor himself. They both get up slowly. They start to fight on the floor. Baker throws Kid into the ring post and starts climbing up the post. Kid manages to reach up and push him down into the ring before he rings the bell. Kid rolls back into the ring, and goes to hit him with No Kidding, but Baker does a forward roll to avoid it. Kid spins around going for a lariat, but Baker ducks it. He cocks back and goes for Sweet Chin Music, but Kid moves and Baker's leg goes over the top rope. He pushes him up onto the top rope and makes him ride the rope like a pony. He hits him with a lariat to knock him off. Kid goes to climb the post and ring the bell. Baker makes it over at the last second to power bomb him into the ring. They both sell. They climb up in the corner again. They both fight at the top. Kid then kicks Baker between the legs and pushes him to the mat. Kid rings the bell.
Winner, Kid [GREEN]
Baker [RED]
Punk: So now Baker has to enter in the first half.
Mathews: That’s right.
Punk: I think I’m starting to understand.
[The camera cuts to the back where there is a table covered with baked goods. Greg walked in. He looked at the table. He pulled out his black ornament and tried to look in his reflection, but he couldn’t because it was black like coal. He threw it down on the floor before he threw it down on the floor in frustration. He then flipped the table of goodies.]
Narrator:Every Wrestler Down in FFCW Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Geg,Who lived just north of FFCW (in Canada), Did NOT!
The Greg hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.(You know because he lost.)
[The camera cuts back to Santa on the stage.]
Santa: Up next, we’re going to have T-Money versus WMS! What kind of match will it be?
[Santa grabs a present from under the tree. He opens it up.]
Santa: Looks like this one will be a LumberElf Match!
[Hornswoggle walks on stage.]
Swoggle: Why don’t we have a real LumberElf Match! I’ve called in friends who have hammers for making toys, but I have a drill because I want to be a dentist!
Mathews: How is this real?
Punk: Am I the only one who thinks it’s fucked up that Santa keeps opening the presents himself?
White Elephant Party
LumberElf Match
T-Money [RED] versus WMS [GREEN]
The match starts with WMS yelling at the elves. T-Money throws him over the top rope. All of the elves begin hitting him with hammers. Hornswoggle then revs up the drill and begins to chase him around the ring. T-Money jumps out and corners WMS. Swoggle drills him in the back with the drill. T throws him into the ring and goes for a pin, but he’s too close to the ropes. They fight up to their feet. T-Money gets WMS onto his shoulders and throws him onto the slew of elves. The referee starts counting him out, but he gets back in having stolen a hammer from an elf. He tells the referee one of the elves is unresponsive before blasting T with the hammer. He rolls him up hooking the tights. It’s over.
Winner, WMS [GREEN]
Loser, T-Money [RED]
Mathews: WMS manages to steal a win to keep his better ornament.
Punk: Can you believe he landed on all of those elves?
Mathews: I’m sure someone GIF’d that.
Punk: They can do that that fast?
Mathews: Oh yeah.
Punk: Well that’s going to make one hell of a sentence. Let’s send it back to Santa!
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Time for another White Elephant Party Match! It’s gonna be jTj and The Dazzler next!
[Santa grabs a present.]
Santa: OOOOH! A Singapore Candy Cane Match!
Punk: So they just put red tape on Singapore canes?
Mathews: Basically.
Punk: I hope the next one is a Nutcracker match.
White Elephant Party
Singapore Candy Cane Match
The Dazzler [RED] versus jTj [GREEN]
Both men start the match armed with their candy cane kendo sticks. They do some cool sword fighting bullshit. It’s pretty even until jTj manages to get a second cane. He disarms Dazzler and starts hitting him with both. The crowd is kinda turning on jTj. He rushes Dazzler with both, but Dazz ducks and throws him over the top rope. He then goes off the ropes and hits him with a tope suicida. He gets up and throws him into the stairs before reaching into the ring to grab a stick. He hits him on the back several times until he is busted open. jTj is infuriated that someone made him bleed his own blood and gets into a hulk like comeback. He’s throwing hands until he throws Dazzler into the ring and gets his hand on a stick. He winds up and delivers a Babe Ruth style homerun swing to the chest of The Dazzler. He lifts him up and delivers the PatriotPlex. DAZZ KICKS OUT. Bet you didn’t see that bullshit coming? jTj looks for a stick while Dazzler uses the ropes to pull himself up. He swings at Dazz who moves out of the way causing the stick to ricochet off the ropes and hit himself in the head. Dazzler hits him with a Dazzling Kick, but he doesn’t go down. He hits him with another one, and he still doesn’t go down. Finally he grabs the cane and bops him right on the head. The Patriot falls! Dazzler jumps to the top. Shooting Star Press! It’s over!
Winner, The Dazzler [GREEN]
jTj [RED]
Mathews: That was something of an upset, wasn’t it?
Punk: I don’t think so. He beat him last time, too.
Mathews: Yeah, but that doesn’t really count.
[The camera cuts to the back where the elves are now singing Christmas Carols. Hornswoggle is playing the melody with his power drill (Because he wants to be a dentist.) Greg walks into the room. He gets very mad before grabbing a Christmas tree, screaming, and swinging it at them!]
Narrator: Whatever the reason, His heart or his shoes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Wrestlers,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Gregy frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their promotion.
For he knew every Wrestler down in FFCW beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Greg fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the FFCW girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Wrestlers, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on Wrestler-pudding, and rare Wrestler-roast beast.
Which was something the Greg couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!
Every Wrestler down in FFCW, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Wrestlers would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Grieg thought of this FFCW ChristmasSing,
The more the Greg thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
[The camera cuts back to Punk and Josh.]
Mathews: Where are they going with this?
Punk: It’s pretty clear cut. Greg lost, so now he hates Christmas.
Mathews: I guess. Let’s send it back to Santa.
Punk: Who is, hands down, the worst FFCW GM ever.
Mathews: And that’s saying something.
Santa: All right. Time for KJ and Radikal. Let’s open the present.
[Santa reaches under and opens the present.]
Santa: It’s a Buried Alive Match! That’s kinda morbid...And not very Christmassy...Oh. I didn’t see the bottom part. Buried Alive in Snow! All right elves, bring in the dump truck full of snow. I hope they’re tall enough to drive.
Mathews: What’s the object of this one?
Punk: Well, there’s a dump truck full of snow, and whoever pulls a lever dumps all of the snow on their opponent burying them alive.
Mathews: And the winner of this one faces PI for the World Title!
Punk: In a Miracle on 34th Street Fight.
White Elephant Party
Buried Alive...in Snow Match
KJ [RED] versus Radikal [GOLD]
The bell rings, and they start with some chain wrestling. The crowd is kinda split down the middle because this is some non-cannon bullshit, and historically, these two have both been heels. Radikal gets the advantage and throws KJ to the floor. He comes off the top rope with a double axe handle before Irish whipping him toward the truck. They fight some more. Radikal slams KJ on the floor, but he can’t find the lever for the dump truck. You apparently have to climb onto the bumper to get it. KJ catches him and turns Radikal into a bumper by German suplexing him off the back of the truck. KJ gets his hand on the lever and pulls it. The crowd is shocked to see Radikal buried in snow.
Winner, KJ [GOLD]
Radikal [RED]
Mathews: KJ wins! He will face PI in the main event!
Punk: In a Miracle on 34th Street Fight for the FFCW World Championship! Let’s send it back to Santa!
Santa: All right! We now KJ wins and will face PI in the main event in a Miracle on 34th Street Fight for the FFCW World Championship! However, this next match is an Arose Such a Ladder Match for the FFCW World Tag Team Championships!
Mathews: What is an Arose Such a Ladder Match?
Punk: It’s just a ladder match.
Mathews: Oh. Cute. Also, did you notice how he basically repeated us?
Punk: Watch it, Josh. You’re going to get coal.
Mathews: Michael Cole?!
FFCW World Tag Team Championships Match
Arose Such A Ladder Match
The Real NoRTh AMericans (RT and AM) versus Legacy (WP and PB)
The bell rings, and we’re off to the races. It starts out with a brawl. RT pulls a chain out of his trunks and waffles WP with it before hitting him with the Beer Blaster. AM throws PB to the floor, and they hit WP with a Magic Killer. PB comes in with a ladder and takes them both down with it. AM feeds in to a scoop slam onto the ladder. RT feeds into a German suplex on the ladder. He then goes to check on WP who still seems basically knocked out. AM and RT recoup and attack PB again. AM lifts WP up and hits him with a Mac Pack DDT. RT lifts the ladder up and starts to climb. PB manages to throw him off the ladder. Then PB and AM start climbing both ends of the ladder. They fight at the top when RT slides back into the ring. He power bombs PB off the ladder. AM gets to the top of the ladder and he tells RT to come up so they can take the belts down together. He’s posing at the top of the ladder as RT climbs up. They get to the top of the ladder and go to grab the belts when WP springboards to the top rope and kicks them both down. WP sets the ladder back up and starts to climb. RT goes to run interference, but PB grabs him and hits him with the Legacy Bomb. AM throws PB out of the ring and starts making his way up, but he’s not fast enough!!!
Winners, and STILL FFCW World Tag Team Champions, Legacy
Mathews: Can you believe Legacy retained?
Punk: Yeah. This show is non-canon isn’t it?
Mathews: Oh yeah. Let’s send it back to PI for a promo.
[The camera cuts to the back where PI is standing by.]
PI: What? No overpaid idiot to ask me a driving question? They’re really going light on the payroll for this one. Ness didn’t even get booked. Oh well. Also, why is jTj here? I thought he was Jewish? Anyways, I’ve been looking through the weapons we get to use tonight, KJ. That’s right. I said get to use. We’re gonna have some trees and candy canes and Christmas lights, and all kinds of fun shit. And KJ, I’m going to retain my title because I’m fucking crazy. You thought I was going to retire? I thought I was going to retire, but man, my kids want the new iPhone and like the fat guy in red, this daddy delivers. And I want to take this World title home until whatever obscure billionaire decides to fish this thing out of the trash next.
[The cameras cut to Santa on stage next to the tree.]
Santa: The following contest is the Power Twelve Days of Christmas! Please welcome our special guest ring announcer, Carol Bell!
Mathews: Who’s Carol Bell?
Punk: It’s a stupid pun.
Bell: On the first day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me..jTj!
[Suddenly, Greg follows jTj down to the ring. He slides in, and Jeff beats the shit out of him before throwing him over.]
Narrator: THE GREG GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Greg laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Gregy trick!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..." The Greglooked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Greg? No! The Greg simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some red thread,
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks,
On a ramshackle sleigh And he hitched up old Max.
Then the Greg said, "Giddap!" And the sleigh started down,
Toward the homes where the Wrestlers Lay asnooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Wrestlerss were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Gregy Claus hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Greg.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the little Wrestler stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Greg, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Wrestlerss' feast!
He took the Wrestler-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Greg even took their last can of Wrestler-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Greg, "I will stuff up the tree!"
Mathews: What is the point of this?
Punk: I have no idea.
Mathews: Where is the voice even coming from?
Punk: Does the voice even know none of the stuff he’s narrating is actually happening?
Mathews: Again. No idea. Also, for the record, Greg is not in the match.
Bell: On the second day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...Baker!
Power Twelve Days of Christmas
Baker enters the ring, and jTj is immediately on the attack. He’s in a bad mood that he’s number one. He’s in a bad moon that he’s working Christmas, and let’s be honest..Nobody likes Baker. Ever since he complained about his music. jTj is giving him a beatdown like Vader in the 90s. They both liked that period. He lifts him up and gives him a PatriotPlex before throwing him to the floor.
Eliminated: Baker
Bell: On the third day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...Radikal!
The camera cuts to a bank of snow, and Radikal walks out of it. He tries to go to the back, but they tell him he has to go to the ring. He runs into the ring shaking yells that he’s fucking cold and tells jTj to throw him out so he can go put a shirt on. jTj stops to think about it. Radikal has his head offered waiting to be eliminated. Jeff shrugs and throws him out.
Eliminated: Radikal
Punk: Radikal is too cold for this world.
Mathews: Do we have talk until the next person comes out?
Punk: Yeah if you don’t want to listen to discount Sharon Osborne sing over there.
Bell: On the fourth day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...HERBIE THE ELF!
Hornswoggle comes running down to the ring with a drill, again. The officials try to take the drill away from him, but he runs past them. jTj does a tope through the ropes taking down Swoggle and the refs. He takes the drill, hands it to an official, and tells them to put it in his bag. He proceeds to launch Swoggle into the ring. He rolls back in himself and throws Swoggle to the floor.
Eliminated: Swoggle
Bell: On the fifth day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...T-Money!
T-Money comes down to the ring taking his time. He enters the ring and offers a handshake to Jeff. He hesitates before shaking his hand. They chain for a little bit, but jTj’s fatigue may be starting to show. Things are not looking good for the former champ. T-Money gets him up on his shoulders, but Jeff manages to get back down. He goes to throw him out, but T-Money reverses it. Jeff is on the apron. T runs at him, but Jeff slides under the bottom rope to get back in.
Bell: On the sixth day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...A BRAND NEW DOLL!
Punk: What?
Mathews: Oh, it’s Bambi of The Dollah Dolls. She’s a trained wrestler don’t forget.
Bambi slides into the ring. She swings at T-Money who ducks and then looks offended. jTj grabs her before they can interact and lifts her over his head. T-Money proceeds to dropkick him in the chest. T-Money and Bambi then proceed to do some double team offense. T-Money lifts Jeff up to throw him out when Bambi pulls him down. She informs him that she would like to do the honors. T-Money pulls him back from her, and they start to argue.
Bell: On the seventh day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...WMS!
T-Money and Bambi both turn their attention to the entryway, but WMS slides in from behind. He still has the hammer which he uses to hit T in the back with again. He then grabs Bambi and throws her to the floor.
Eliminated: Bambi
He then hits jTj with the hammer when he approaches him. He then realizes that he cannot pick either of them up while knocked out.
Punk: All of that technical wrestling training means jack when you can’t lift your opponent to throw them out.
Mathews: This is true.
Bell: On the eighth day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...THE KID!
Kid strolls down to the ring as WMS is still struggling. He demands Kid help him which is met with a laugh. WMS threatens him with the hammer, and Kid takes it from him. Kid launches the hammer out of the ring. Don’t worry though, this is a no fans show. They exchange some strikes when suddenly, jTj and T-Money have slowly gotten back to their feet. They grab them by the backs of their necks and throw them out.
Eliminated: WMS and The Kid
Bell: On the ninth day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...A NEW GAME BOY!
Punk: That’s...THAT’S….THAT’S GOTTA BE NESS!
Mathews: I thought Ness wasn’t booked…
Ness slides into the ring, and he’s immediately attacked. T-Money hits him with the Moneymaker. jTj hits him with the PatriotPlex. He’s thrown to the floor. Then, fucking Greg slides in again. They double team him before dumping him out.
Narrator:And the Greg grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Wrestler(?)!
Little Josh Mathews, who was not more than two.
The Greg had been caught by this tiny Wrestler daughter,
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
he stared at the Greg and said, "Santy Claus, why,”
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Greg was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side."
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear."
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head,
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Josh Mathews went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food That he left in the house,
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then He did the same thing To the other Wrestlers' houses
Leaving crumbs Much too small For the other Wrestlerss' mouses!
It was quarter past dawn... All the Wrestlerss, still a-bed,
All the Wrestlers, still asnooze When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"PoohPooh to the Wrestlers!" he was greg ishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Wrestlers down in FFCW will all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Greg, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Greg ut his hand to his ear.
Mathews: Why am I Cindy-Lou Who?
Punk: Stop trying to find the logic in illogical things!
Bell: On the tenth day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...The Dazzler!
Dazzler slides into the ring and hits both big men with a flurry of offense. He hits some Dazzling Kicks, but he can’t get them off their feet. He lunges at T-Money for a lariat, but the momentum causes them both to go over.
Eliminated: The Dazzler and T-Money
Bell: On the eleventh day of-
BIG EVIL: PLAY MY FUCKING MUSIC!
Big Evil marches down to the ring as his music plays. He’s got several cans of beer with him in his cargo pants.
Mathews: You know he’s been drinking since the end of the opening match.
Punk: Yeah. I know.
Punk jumps up from the announce table, slides into the ring, and kicks Big Evil in the head. “DON’T WRESTLE DRUNK, DUMB ASS!” Punk proceeds to throw Big Evil out himself.
Eliminated: Big Evil
Mathews: So, I’m trying to figure out who’s left, and I think it’s one of the surprises…
[The screen says Number 12, and Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town plays.]
Punk: Aw shit. Santa is in on this!
Santa marches down to the ring, takes off his jacket to reveal some muscle, and joins the match. jTj is hesitant but eventually throws hands at Santa and throws him to the floor.
Winner, jTj
[Santa puts his jacket back on as jTj grabs a microphone.]
jTj: Hey! I entered first and still won, what’s my prize?
Santa: Oh...It’s a good one! You get a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club!
[jTj starts actually laughing when GREG runs through and steals the certificate. Security surrounds him and grabs him.]
Narrator:And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at FFCW! The Greg popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Wrestler down in FFCW, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Greg, with his greg-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!"
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Greg thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well...in FFCW they say,
That the Greg's small heart Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Greg carved the roast beast!
Greg: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! I HATE POEMS! WHO’S DOING THAT?!
Narrator: I am.
[Suddenly, Holzhammer walks on stage and chokeslams Greg off it.]
Mathews: How about that? That was Holzhammer!
Punk: I guess it was. We should’ve recognized the voice.
J-Rose: THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET FIGHT FOR THE FFCW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP!
Miracle on 34th Street Fight
FFCW World Championship
KJ versus PI ©
KJ is walking down the ramp when he slips on an oil slick. PI can be seen laughing. He grabs a bar to pull himself up then screams when it’s clearly very hot. He runs toward the ring, but there are Hot Wheels everywhere. He slips and falls again. When he climbs into the ring, PI throws a paint can at him. The World Champion is celebrating his Home Alone antics when KJ furiously double legs him. He throws a series of punches and elbows. He grabs a candy can and starts whacking him with it. He utilizes all of the weapons in and around the ring to keep control of the champion for awhile. He scores a couple near falls, but nothing substantial. They fight to the outside where PI gets the advantage again. He scoop slams KJ to the floor before climbing to the top of Santa’s Workshop. He does a Phoenix Splash off the roof of the little set. He goes for the pin, but he’s reminded pins only count in the ring. He then throws KJ in Santa’s sleigh and pushes it toward the ring. He throws KJ in. Hits Flyin’ PI, and everyone goes home happy.
Winner, and STILL FFCW World Champion, PI
[Everyone comes out and sings Christmas Carols]
©FFCW: A Division of Mind’s Eye Entertainment
[Author’s Note: Sorry for giving this it’s own thread, but it’s a standalone non-canon thing. My fun, weird, quirky Christmas gift from me to you. I got the idea this morning and worked on it when I could throughout the day. Talk about a non-traditional Christmas.]
Special Edition
Santa’s Workshop
The North Pole
[WARNING: THIS IS SOME NON-CANNON SILLY SHIT.]
J-Rose: Please welcome the interim General Manager of FFCW...SANTA CLAUS!
[Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town plays as Santa comes on stage!!!]
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas wrestling fans! I hope you are all on my nice list this year unlike Mitch McConnell! Tonight, we’re going to have eight big matches! We will have a triple main event featuring a Power Twelve Days of Christmas Rumble! An Arose Such A Ladder Match between The Real NoRTh AMericans and Legacy for the FFCW World Tag Team Championships! And in the main event, PI will defend the FFCW World Championship in a Miracle on 34th Street Fight! And in fact, since Santa likes it hardcore...just ask Mrs. Claus...Every match tonight is going to have a stipulation of some kind! There are different stipulation types underneath my tree!
To start things off, we’re going to have a White Elephant Party featuring ten of the stars who might be in the Power Twelve Days of Christmas Match! Let’s bring them out!
[Jingle Bell Rock plays as Baker, Big Evil, The Dazzler, Radikal, The Kid, T-Money, KJ, jTj, WMS, and Greg walk on stage.]
Santa: All right boys. Here’s how it works. Each of you is going to reach into Santa’s bag and pull out an ornament. In my bag there are four different colored ornaments, there is 1 black ornament, 4 red ornaments, 4 green ornaments, and 1 gold ornament. If you get a black ornament, I’m sorry, but that’s the same as coal to me. You won’t be in the battle royal. If you have a red ornament, you are guaranteed a number between 1 and 6 in the Power 12 Days of Christmas Match. If you draw a green ornament, you are guaranteed a number between 7 and 12 in the Power 12 Days of Christmas Match. If you have the gold ornament, lucky you! You will face PI for the FFCW World Championship in our main event!
Now boys, before you stick your hand into my bag...know this. You won’t necessarily keep the ornament you draw. The people with the red and black ornaments will be able to challenge the people with the green and gold ornaments, and they can trade ornaments if the person with the lesser ornament wins. Now, there are also going to be four surprising entries in the Power 12 Days of Christmas match, so be ready for that. Now, everyone grab an ornament…
[Black]-Greg
[Red]- KJ, The Dazzler, T-Money, and The Kid
[Green]-Big Evil, Baker, WMS, and jTj
[Gold]-Radikal
Santa: All right, boys, Let’s get to challenging. Who wants to challenge first?
KJ: I want to challenge Radikal for the gold ornament!
The Kid: Hey! I want to challenge him!
Santa: Sorry, Kid. KJ spoke up first. KJ will put his red ornament up against Radikal’s gold ornament. I’ll let you go next though.
The Kid: Baker thinks this is the 90s.
He’s largely unproven.
I’ll beat his old ass.
On his face, I’ll be groovin’.
Santa: Well. That sounds kinda naughty. Anyways. Who wants to pick next?
[Greg tries to speak up, but Dazzler steps in.]
Dazzler: My last match before paternity leave was against jTj, but I didn’t even get to finish the match. I think we have some unfinished business.
[Greg is about to approach Santa when WMS runs in.]
WMS: Hold on! I’m not risking getting blackballed. I want T-Money!
Santa: WMS versus T-Money. Sounds fine to me. Well Greg, that means you’ll be facing-
Greg: But! Santa!
Santa: Sorry, Greg. You’ve got Big Evil!!!
[Wild Thing by X plays, and Big Evil walks down to the ring.]
Punk: That was the longest intro since FF NXT when Matt Striker used to do the intros.
Mathews: Where’s your Christmas spirit, Punk?
Santa: Now let’s find out what kind of match they’re going to be competing in!
[Santa reaches under the tree and grabs a present.]
Santa: All right...Looks like it’s going to be a Hot Chocolate Match!
Punk: Oh god. He wasn’t done. What is a Hot Chocolate Match?
Mathews: Hold on. They gave me a list. So, there are going to be two steaming hot pools of hot chocolate around the ring, and whomever throws their opponent into the pool first wins.
[‘Hot Chocolate’ from Polar Express plays as two people bring down the pools of hot chocolate.]
Mathews: So, if Greg wins, they trade ornaments. The loser will get the black ornament and be out of the Power Twelve. The winner will be in the second half of the Power 12. Is that right?
Punk: Why are you asking me?
White Elephant Party
Hot Chocolate Match
Big Evil [GREEN] versus Greg [BLACK]
The bell rings and Big Evil runs at Greg knocking him down with a big boot. He picks him up and hits him with a powerbomb. He then picks him up and powerbombs him into the Hot Chocolate. Squash.
Winner, Big Evil [GREEN]
Loser, Greg [BLACK]
Punk: That was it?
Mathews: What were you expecting? It was a Greg match?
Punk: Why did I agree to do this?
Mathews: None of this is real.
Punk: I know.
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Time for another match! Let’s do Kid and Baker next. I wonder what kind of match it’s going to be.
[Santa grabs a present from under the tree.]
Santa: Looks like it’s going to be a Jingle Bell on a North Pole Match!
Punk: WHAT? What is that?
Mathews: Where is my cheat sheet?
Punk: Why do you have a cheat sheet?
Mathews: You want it? So. Apparently there’s a big pole with a bell on the top of it. Whoever rings the bell first, wins.
White Elephant Party
Jingle Bell on a North Pole Match
The Kid [RED] versus Baker [GREEN]
The ring bell rings, and they both go to the corner with the bell. They fight in the corner. They both are trying to get to the bell. They fight up to the top rope and Kid superplexes Baker to the floor. He goes to ring the bell, but he slips and falls to the floor himself. They both get up slowly. They start to fight on the floor. Baker throws Kid into the ring post and starts climbing up the post. Kid manages to reach up and push him down into the ring before he rings the bell. Kid rolls back into the ring, and goes to hit him with No Kidding, but Baker does a forward roll to avoid it. Kid spins around going for a lariat, but Baker ducks it. He cocks back and goes for Sweet Chin Music, but Kid moves and Baker's leg goes over the top rope. He pushes him up onto the top rope and makes him ride the rope like a pony. He hits him with a lariat to knock him off. Kid goes to climb the post and ring the bell. Baker makes it over at the last second to power bomb him into the ring. They both sell. They climb up in the corner again. They both fight at the top. Kid then kicks Baker between the legs and pushes him to the mat. Kid rings the bell.
Winner, Kid [GREEN]
Baker [RED]
Punk: So now Baker has to enter in the first half.
Mathews: That’s right.
Punk: I think I’m starting to understand.
[The camera cuts to the back where there is a table covered with baked goods. Greg walked in. He looked at the table. He pulled out his black ornament and tried to look in his reflection, but he couldn’t because it was black like coal. He threw it down on the floor before he threw it down on the floor in frustration. He then flipped the table of goodies.]
Narrator:Every Wrestler Down in FFCW Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Geg,Who lived just north of FFCW (in Canada), Did NOT!
The Greg hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.(You know because he lost.)
[The camera cuts back to Santa on the stage.]
Santa: Up next, we’re going to have T-Money versus WMS! What kind of match will it be?
[Santa grabs a present from under the tree. He opens it up.]
Santa: Looks like this one will be a LumberElf Match!
[Hornswoggle walks on stage.]
Swoggle: Why don’t we have a real LumberElf Match! I’ve called in friends who have hammers for making toys, but I have a drill because I want to be a dentist!
Mathews: How is this real?
Punk: Am I the only one who thinks it’s fucked up that Santa keeps opening the presents himself?
White Elephant Party
LumberElf Match
T-Money [RED] versus WMS [GREEN]
The match starts with WMS yelling at the elves. T-Money throws him over the top rope. All of the elves begin hitting him with hammers. Hornswoggle then revs up the drill and begins to chase him around the ring. T-Money jumps out and corners WMS. Swoggle drills him in the back with the drill. T throws him into the ring and goes for a pin, but he’s too close to the ropes. They fight up to their feet. T-Money gets WMS onto his shoulders and throws him onto the slew of elves. The referee starts counting him out, but he gets back in having stolen a hammer from an elf. He tells the referee one of the elves is unresponsive before blasting T with the hammer. He rolls him up hooking the tights. It’s over.
Winner, WMS [GREEN]
Loser, T-Money [RED]
Mathews: WMS manages to steal a win to keep his better ornament.
Punk: Can you believe he landed on all of those elves?
Mathews: I’m sure someone GIF’d that.
Punk: They can do that that fast?
Mathews: Oh yeah.
Punk: Well that’s going to make one hell of a sentence. Let’s send it back to Santa!
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Time for another White Elephant Party Match! It’s gonna be jTj and The Dazzler next!
[Santa grabs a present.]
Santa: OOOOH! A Singapore Candy Cane Match!
Punk: So they just put red tape on Singapore canes?
Mathews: Basically.
Punk: I hope the next one is a Nutcracker match.
White Elephant Party
Singapore Candy Cane Match
The Dazzler [RED] versus jTj [GREEN]
Both men start the match armed with their candy cane kendo sticks. They do some cool sword fighting bullshit. It’s pretty even until jTj manages to get a second cane. He disarms Dazzler and starts hitting him with both. The crowd is kinda turning on jTj. He rushes Dazzler with both, but Dazz ducks and throws him over the top rope. He then goes off the ropes and hits him with a tope suicida. He gets up and throws him into the stairs before reaching into the ring to grab a stick. He hits him on the back several times until he is busted open. jTj is infuriated that someone made him bleed his own blood and gets into a hulk like comeback. He’s throwing hands until he throws Dazzler into the ring and gets his hand on a stick. He winds up and delivers a Babe Ruth style homerun swing to the chest of The Dazzler. He lifts him up and delivers the PatriotPlex. DAZZ KICKS OUT. Bet you didn’t see that bullshit coming? jTj looks for a stick while Dazzler uses the ropes to pull himself up. He swings at Dazz who moves out of the way causing the stick to ricochet off the ropes and hit himself in the head. Dazzler hits him with a Dazzling Kick, but he doesn’t go down. He hits him with another one, and he still doesn’t go down. Finally he grabs the cane and bops him right on the head. The Patriot falls! Dazzler jumps to the top. Shooting Star Press! It’s over!
Winner, The Dazzler [GREEN]
jTj [RED]
Mathews: That was something of an upset, wasn’t it?
Punk: I don’t think so. He beat him last time, too.
Mathews: Yeah, but that doesn’t really count.
[The camera cuts to the back where the elves are now singing Christmas Carols. Hornswoggle is playing the melody with his power drill (Because he wants to be a dentist.) Greg walks into the room. He gets very mad before grabbing a Christmas tree, screaming, and swinging it at them!]
Narrator: Whatever the reason, His heart or his shoes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Wrestlers,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Gregy frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their promotion.
For he knew every Wrestler down in FFCW beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Greg fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the FFCW girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Wrestlers, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on Wrestler-pudding, and rare Wrestler-roast beast.
Which was something the Greg couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!
Every Wrestler down in FFCW, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Wrestlers would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Grieg thought of this FFCW ChristmasSing,
The more the Greg thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
[The camera cuts back to Punk and Josh.]
Mathews: Where are they going with this?
Punk: It’s pretty clear cut. Greg lost, so now he hates Christmas.
Mathews: I guess. Let’s send it back to Santa.
Punk: Who is, hands down, the worst FFCW GM ever.
Mathews: And that’s saying something.
Santa: All right. Time for KJ and Radikal. Let’s open the present.
[Santa reaches under and opens the present.]
Santa: It’s a Buried Alive Match! That’s kinda morbid...And not very Christmassy...Oh. I didn’t see the bottom part. Buried Alive in Snow! All right elves, bring in the dump truck full of snow. I hope they’re tall enough to drive.
Mathews: What’s the object of this one?
Punk: Well, there’s a dump truck full of snow, and whoever pulls a lever dumps all of the snow on their opponent burying them alive.
Mathews: And the winner of this one faces PI for the World Title!
Punk: In a Miracle on 34th Street Fight.
White Elephant Party
Buried Alive...in Snow Match
KJ [RED] versus Radikal [GOLD]
The bell rings, and they start with some chain wrestling. The crowd is kinda split down the middle because this is some non-cannon bullshit, and historically, these two have both been heels. Radikal gets the advantage and throws KJ to the floor. He comes off the top rope with a double axe handle before Irish whipping him toward the truck. They fight some more. Radikal slams KJ on the floor, but he can’t find the lever for the dump truck. You apparently have to climb onto the bumper to get it. KJ catches him and turns Radikal into a bumper by German suplexing him off the back of the truck. KJ gets his hand on the lever and pulls it. The crowd is shocked to see Radikal buried in snow.
Winner, KJ [GOLD]
Radikal [RED]
Mathews: KJ wins! He will face PI in the main event!
Punk: In a Miracle on 34th Street Fight for the FFCW World Championship! Let’s send it back to Santa!
Santa: All right! We now KJ wins and will face PI in the main event in a Miracle on 34th Street Fight for the FFCW World Championship! However, this next match is an Arose Such a Ladder Match for the FFCW World Tag Team Championships!
Mathews: What is an Arose Such a Ladder Match?
Punk: It’s just a ladder match.
Mathews: Oh. Cute. Also, did you notice how he basically repeated us?
Punk: Watch it, Josh. You’re going to get coal.
Mathews: Michael Cole?!
FFCW World Tag Team Championships Match
Arose Such A Ladder Match
The Real NoRTh AMericans (RT and AM) versus Legacy (WP and PB)
The bell rings, and we’re off to the races. It starts out with a brawl. RT pulls a chain out of his trunks and waffles WP with it before hitting him with the Beer Blaster. AM throws PB to the floor, and they hit WP with a Magic Killer. PB comes in with a ladder and takes them both down with it. AM feeds in to a scoop slam onto the ladder. RT feeds into a German suplex on the ladder. He then goes to check on WP who still seems basically knocked out. AM and RT recoup and attack PB again. AM lifts WP up and hits him with a Mac Pack DDT. RT lifts the ladder up and starts to climb. PB manages to throw him off the ladder. Then PB and AM start climbing both ends of the ladder. They fight at the top when RT slides back into the ring. He power bombs PB off the ladder. AM gets to the top of the ladder and he tells RT to come up so they can take the belts down together. He’s posing at the top of the ladder as RT climbs up. They get to the top of the ladder and go to grab the belts when WP springboards to the top rope and kicks them both down. WP sets the ladder back up and starts to climb. RT goes to run interference, but PB grabs him and hits him with the Legacy Bomb. AM throws PB out of the ring and starts making his way up, but he’s not fast enough!!!
Winners, and STILL FFCW World Tag Team Champions, Legacy
Mathews: Can you believe Legacy retained?
Punk: Yeah. This show is non-canon isn’t it?
Mathews: Oh yeah. Let’s send it back to PI for a promo.
[The camera cuts to the back where PI is standing by.]
PI: What? No overpaid idiot to ask me a driving question? They’re really going light on the payroll for this one. Ness didn’t even get booked. Oh well. Also, why is jTj here? I thought he was Jewish? Anyways, I’ve been looking through the weapons we get to use tonight, KJ. That’s right. I said get to use. We’re gonna have some trees and candy canes and Christmas lights, and all kinds of fun shit. And KJ, I’m going to retain my title because I’m fucking crazy. You thought I was going to retire? I thought I was going to retire, but man, my kids want the new iPhone and like the fat guy in red, this daddy delivers. And I want to take this World title home until whatever obscure billionaire decides to fish this thing out of the trash next.
[The cameras cut to Santa on stage next to the tree.]
Santa: The following contest is the Power Twelve Days of Christmas! Please welcome our special guest ring announcer, Carol Bell!
Mathews: Who’s Carol Bell?
Punk: It’s a stupid pun.
Bell: On the first day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me..jTj!
[Suddenly, Greg follows jTj down to the ring. He slides in, and Jeff beats the shit out of him before throwing him over.]
Narrator: THE GREG GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Greg laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Gregy trick!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..." The Greglooked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Greg? No! The Greg simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some red thread,
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks,
On a ramshackle sleigh And he hitched up old Max.
Then the Greg said, "Giddap!" And the sleigh started down,
Toward the homes where the Wrestlers Lay asnooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Wrestlerss were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Gregy Claus hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Greg.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the little Wrestler stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Greg, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Wrestlerss' feast!
He took the Wrestler-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Greg even took their last can of Wrestler-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Greg, "I will stuff up the tree!"
Mathews: What is the point of this?
Punk: I have no idea.
Mathews: Where is the voice even coming from?
Punk: Does the voice even know none of the stuff he’s narrating is actually happening?
Mathews: Again. No idea. Also, for the record, Greg is not in the match.
Bell: On the second day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...Baker!
Power Twelve Days of Christmas
Baker enters the ring, and jTj is immediately on the attack. He’s in a bad mood that he’s number one. He’s in a bad moon that he’s working Christmas, and let’s be honest..Nobody likes Baker. Ever since he complained about his music. jTj is giving him a beatdown like Vader in the 90s. They both liked that period. He lifts him up and gives him a PatriotPlex before throwing him to the floor.
Eliminated: Baker
Bell: On the third day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...Radikal!
The camera cuts to a bank of snow, and Radikal walks out of it. He tries to go to the back, but they tell him he has to go to the ring. He runs into the ring shaking yells that he’s fucking cold and tells jTj to throw him out so he can go put a shirt on. jTj stops to think about it. Radikal has his head offered waiting to be eliminated. Jeff shrugs and throws him out.
Eliminated: Radikal
Punk: Radikal is too cold for this world.
Mathews: Do we have talk until the next person comes out?
Punk: Yeah if you don’t want to listen to discount Sharon Osborne sing over there.
Bell: On the fourth day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...HERBIE THE ELF!
Hornswoggle comes running down to the ring with a drill, again. The officials try to take the drill away from him, but he runs past them. jTj does a tope through the ropes taking down Swoggle and the refs. He takes the drill, hands it to an official, and tells them to put it in his bag. He proceeds to launch Swoggle into the ring. He rolls back in himself and throws Swoggle to the floor.
Eliminated: Swoggle
Bell: On the fifth day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...T-Money!
T-Money comes down to the ring taking his time. He enters the ring and offers a handshake to Jeff. He hesitates before shaking his hand. They chain for a little bit, but jTj’s fatigue may be starting to show. Things are not looking good for the former champ. T-Money gets him up on his shoulders, but Jeff manages to get back down. He goes to throw him out, but T-Money reverses it. Jeff is on the apron. T runs at him, but Jeff slides under the bottom rope to get back in.
Bell: On the sixth day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...A BRAND NEW DOLL!
Punk: What?
Mathews: Oh, it’s Bambi of The Dollah Dolls. She’s a trained wrestler don’t forget.
Bambi slides into the ring. She swings at T-Money who ducks and then looks offended. jTj grabs her before they can interact and lifts her over his head. T-Money proceeds to dropkick him in the chest. T-Money and Bambi then proceed to do some double team offense. T-Money lifts Jeff up to throw him out when Bambi pulls him down. She informs him that she would like to do the honors. T-Money pulls him back from her, and they start to argue.
Bell: On the seventh day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...WMS!
T-Money and Bambi both turn their attention to the entryway, but WMS slides in from behind. He still has the hammer which he uses to hit T in the back with again. He then grabs Bambi and throws her to the floor.
Eliminated: Bambi
He then hits jTj with the hammer when he approaches him. He then realizes that he cannot pick either of them up while knocked out.
Punk: All of that technical wrestling training means jack when you can’t lift your opponent to throw them out.
Mathews: This is true.
Bell: On the eighth day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...THE KID!
Kid strolls down to the ring as WMS is still struggling. He demands Kid help him which is met with a laugh. WMS threatens him with the hammer, and Kid takes it from him. Kid launches the hammer out of the ring. Don’t worry though, this is a no fans show. They exchange some strikes when suddenly, jTj and T-Money have slowly gotten back to their feet. They grab them by the backs of their necks and throw them out.
Eliminated: WMS and The Kid
Bell: On the ninth day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...A NEW GAME BOY!
Punk: That’s...THAT’S….THAT’S GOTTA BE NESS!
Mathews: I thought Ness wasn’t booked…
Ness slides into the ring, and he’s immediately attacked. T-Money hits him with the Moneymaker. jTj hits him with the PatriotPlex. He’s thrown to the floor. Then, fucking Greg slides in again. They double team him before dumping him out.
Narrator:And the Greg grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Wrestler(?)!
Little Josh Mathews, who was not more than two.
The Greg had been caught by this tiny Wrestler daughter,
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
he stared at the Greg and said, "Santy Claus, why,”
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Greg was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side."
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear."
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head,
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Josh Mathews went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food That he left in the house,
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then He did the same thing To the other Wrestlers' houses
Leaving crumbs Much too small For the other Wrestlerss' mouses!
It was quarter past dawn... All the Wrestlerss, still a-bed,
All the Wrestlers, still asnooze When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"PoohPooh to the Wrestlers!" he was greg ishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Wrestlers down in FFCW will all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Greg, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Greg ut his hand to his ear.
Mathews: Why am I Cindy-Lou Who?
Punk: Stop trying to find the logic in illogical things!
Bell: On the tenth day of Christmas, FFCW gave to me...The Dazzler!
Dazzler slides into the ring and hits both big men with a flurry of offense. He hits some Dazzling Kicks, but he can’t get them off their feet. He lunges at T-Money for a lariat, but the momentum causes them both to go over.
Eliminated: The Dazzler and T-Money
Bell: On the eleventh day of-
BIG EVIL: PLAY MY FUCKING MUSIC!
Big Evil marches down to the ring as his music plays. He’s got several cans of beer with him in his cargo pants.
Mathews: You know he’s been drinking since the end of the opening match.
Punk: Yeah. I know.
Punk jumps up from the announce table, slides into the ring, and kicks Big Evil in the head. “DON’T WRESTLE DRUNK, DUMB ASS!” Punk proceeds to throw Big Evil out himself.
Eliminated: Big Evil
Mathews: So, I’m trying to figure out who’s left, and I think it’s one of the surprises…
[The screen says Number 12, and Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town plays.]
Punk: Aw shit. Santa is in on this!
Santa marches down to the ring, takes off his jacket to reveal some muscle, and joins the match. jTj is hesitant but eventually throws hands at Santa and throws him to the floor.
Winner, jTj
[Santa puts his jacket back on as jTj grabs a microphone.]
jTj: Hey! I entered first and still won, what’s my prize?
Santa: Oh...It’s a good one! You get a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club!
[jTj starts actually laughing when GREG runs through and steals the certificate. Security surrounds him and grabs him.]
Narrator:And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at FFCW! The Greg popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Wrestler down in FFCW, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Greg, with his greg-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!"
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Greg thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well...in FFCW they say,
That the Greg's small heart Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Greg carved the roast beast!
Greg: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! I HATE POEMS! WHO’S DOING THAT?!
Narrator: I am.
[Suddenly, Holzhammer walks on stage and chokeslams Greg off it.]
Mathews: How about that? That was Holzhammer!
Punk: I guess it was. We should’ve recognized the voice.
J-Rose: THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET FIGHT FOR THE FFCW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP!
Miracle on 34th Street Fight
FFCW World Championship
KJ versus PI ©
KJ is walking down the ramp when he slips on an oil slick. PI can be seen laughing. He grabs a bar to pull himself up then screams when it’s clearly very hot. He runs toward the ring, but there are Hot Wheels everywhere. He slips and falls again. When he climbs into the ring, PI throws a paint can at him. The World Champion is celebrating his Home Alone antics when KJ furiously double legs him. He throws a series of punches and elbows. He grabs a candy can and starts whacking him with it. He utilizes all of the weapons in and around the ring to keep control of the champion for awhile. He scores a couple near falls, but nothing substantial. They fight to the outside where PI gets the advantage again. He scoop slams KJ to the floor before climbing to the top of Santa’s Workshop. He does a Phoenix Splash off the roof of the little set. He goes for the pin, but he’s reminded pins only count in the ring. He then throws KJ in Santa’s sleigh and pushes it toward the ring. He throws KJ in. Hits Flyin’ PI, and everyone goes home happy.
Winner, and STILL FFCW World Champion, PI
[Everyone comes out and sings Christmas Carols]
©FFCW: A Division of Mind’s Eye Entertainment
[Author’s Note: Sorry for giving this it’s own thread, but it’s a standalone non-canon thing. My fun, weird, quirky Christmas gift from me to you. I got the idea this morning and worked on it when I could throughout the day. Talk about a non-traditional Christmas.]
