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CHICAGO CRYCUBBIES
Coach: Montezuma Monroe
Home Field: Hibernation Stadium
Location: Rosemont, Illinois
Owner: CM Punk'd
Team Colors: Navy/Orange
Team Rating: 65/100
Star 11:
QB - Levander "Bird" Williams (54)
HB - Walter Cochran (63)
WR - D'Marcus Williums (70)
TE - Quisperny G'Dunzoid, Sr. (67)
OL - J'Dinkalage Morgoone (78)
K - The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop (66)
P - Derek Wallace (59)
DL - Steve Lattimer (65)
LB - Bobby Boucher, Jr. (86)
CB - Fartrell Cluggins (79)
S - Stumptavian Roboclick (56)


Overview
Chicago enters their inaugural season with reported defensive mastermind Montezuma Monroe at the head coaching helm. Bolstering this above average D will be none other than "Water Boy" Bobby Boucher, Jr. who is regarded as perhaps the best linebacker the Bayou has ever produced, if not the best in league.
The team's main concern will be at the QB position, where Levander "Bird" Williams prepares to take command. Despite his experience, Williams hasn't tossed a pigskin in nearly 3 years due to pursuing other personal interests.

Prediction: (4-5)


CINCINNATI BOTCHCATS
Coach: Danny O'Shea
Home Field: The Litter Box
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Owner: rad
Team Colors: Black/Orange
Team Rating: 61/100
Star 11:
QB - Jason Street (87)
HB - Turley (71)
WR - Deacon Moss (82)
TE - Vagonius Thicket-Swade (47)
OL - D'Glester Hardunkichud (66)
K - Dan Smith (53)
P - Blyrone Blashinton (50)
DL - Julius Campbell (73)
LB - Becky "The Icebox" O'Shea (73)
CB - TJ Juckson (74)
S - Rudy Ruettiger (52)


Overview
The Botchcats are expected to be a scrappy bunch led by Ohio pee-wee coaching's favorite darkhorse Danny O'Shea, who will just so happen to also be coaching his daughter Becky, better known to football fans as "The Icebox". Former Texas high school football superstar Jason Street will also look to call plays for Cincinnati and is expected to be one of the premier PWFL quarterbacks. Street will look to star wideout Deacon Moss to deliver Cincy's best offensive jabs.
On the downside, the Cats are projected to boast one of the worst defensive units in the league. Only former All-American cornerback TJ Juckson is rated above 2 stars by pro football pundit Mave Deltzer. Regardless, Cincy's offensive strength should help give them a chance to reach this year's postseason.

Prediction: (4-5)


D.C. COMMDANDERS
Coach: Jimmy McGinty
Home Field: Proletariat Field
Location: Landover, Maryland
Owner: DanTheMan
Team Colors: Burgundy/Gold
Team Rating: 87/100
Star 11:
QB - Shane "Footsteps" Falco (90)
HB - Forrest Gump (82)
WR - Air Bud (69)
TE - Beezer Twelve Washingbeard (47)
OL - T'Variuness King (68)
K - Coznesster Smiff (64)
P - Cartoons Plural (44)
DL - Switowski (79)
LB - X-Mus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon (57)
CB - Trumaine (64)
S - Earl Wilkinson (52)


Overview
Washington's new football team will be guided by the rough son of a bitch that is veteran head coach Jimmy McGinty, who aims this season to whip a bunch of talented boys into a group of fully-bearded badasses. McGinty will reunite this season with his former QB - Ohio State's Shane "Footsteps" Falco - and the duo are expected to make a big impact together this season.
The CommDanders appear to be balanced well enough across the board to at least compete for an SFC Championship this year en route to the first ever PW Bowl, with Falco backed by none other than the legendary Forrest Gump starting at halfback and even featuring football's first professional kanine in none other than WR Air Bud.

Prediction: (8-1)


DENVER GYROS
Coach: Nick Crozier
Home Field: Mile Wide Stadium
Location: Denver, Colorado
Owner: Gyro LC
Team Colors: Orange/Dark Blue
Team Rating: 54/100
Star 11:
QB - "Uncle" Rico Dynamite (75)
HB - Billy Cole (78)
WR - Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace (72)
TE - Elipses Corter (58)
OL - Jumbo Fumiko (72)
K - Grunky Peep (45)
P - Jammie Jammie-Jammie (51)
DL - Saggitariutt Jefferspin (68)
LB - Gerry Bertier (52)
CB - Stefan Djordjevic (64)
S - Brian Chavez (55)


Overview
Denver will look to head coach Nick Crozier this season to lead them to the promised land. But while the Gyros went for youth at the coaching position, they chose fine wine instead when it came to drafting a QB, picking Idaho high school legend "Uncle" Rico Dynamite to be the face of their franchise. At the ripe age of 38, Rico enters the league as the second oldest quarterback to be starting at the position.
Halfback Billy Cole aims to spearhead the offense this year, but the verdict has yet to be reached on who will step up to lead this defense as a whole. Corner Stefan Djordjevic certainly showed a lot of promise during the combines, but will this vast amount of youth prove to be a hindrance or a blessing???

Prediction: (5-4)


GREEN BAY BEERCHEESE
Coach: Hayden Fox
Home Field: Lamebro Field
Location: Green Bay, Wisconsin
Owner: UT
Team Colors: Green/Yellow
Team Rating: 86/100
Star 11:
QB - A.A. Ron Rodgers (91)
HB - Earl Megget (52)
WR - Ricky Jerret (73)
TE - Cheeseburger Eddy (77)
OL - Cam Tucker (59)
K - Ray Finkle (75)
P - Equine Ducklings (40)
DL - Charles Jefferson (70)
LB - Alvin Mack (65)
CB - Swirvithan L'Goodling-Splatt (83)
S - Nyquillus Dillwad (52)


Overview
The Beercheese may play in the smallest market in major pro sports, but Green Bay will have one thing the other teams in the league don't: a near perfect clone of a former NFL quarterback in A.A. Ron Rodgers. Immunized and synthesized, this version returns to Green Bay with the exact amount of miniscule brain matter but features the ability to not be an asshole. We will have to wait and see if the choking in big moments is retained. Hopefully for Green Bay's sake - it isn't.
"The Coach" Hayden Fox chose to besmirch the entire state of Minnesota by accepting Green Bay's offer before the season began, leaving his beloved Screamin' Eagles after nearly three decades of Division II dominance.

Prediction: (7-2)


HOUSTON BRAWLERS
Coach: Coach Norton
Home Field: The Double Dome
Location: Houston, Texas
Owner: shinobimusashi
Team Colors: Columbia Blue/Red
Team Rating: 78/100
Star 11:
QB - Johnny Utah (75)
HB - Tim Riggins (83)
WR - Ibrahim Moizoos (76)
TE - Bismo Funyuns (45)
OL - Jamal Jackson (76)
K - Dahistorius Lamystorius (62)
P - Strunk Flugett (63)
DL - Anthony "Big Tony" Cobianco (74)
LB - Joey "Battle" Battaglio (76)
CB - Quatro Quatro (69)
S - Spike Hammersmith (79)


Overview
The Brawlers will share the Double Dome with inter conference rivals the Toddfathers this season led by Coach Norton. Norton is known for being fully stocked on salt tablets but critically low on patience, leaving the more hardcore football fans to suspect some friction this season for Houston.
Franchise QB, Shane Falco look alike and part-time FBI agent Johnny Utah is notorious for his free-spirited demeanor, which could conflict with Norton's more aggressive approach. But fans of the team are hopeful that this solid defense led by the combination of Battaglio, Cobianco and Hammersmith will be enough to make Houston's postseason dreams a reality.

Prediction: (5-4)


KANSAS CITY C's
Coach: Burt Cotton
Home Field: Bent Arrow Stadium
Location: Kansas City, Missouri
Owner: mikec
Team Colors: Red/Yellow
Team Rating: 71/100
Star 11:
QB - Boomhauer (65)
HB - Darnell Jefferson (57)
WR - Spencer James (67)
TE - Jackmerius Tacktheritrix (42)
OL - Manumana (77)
K - Marmadune Shazbot (66)
P - Ewokoniad Sigourneth Juniorstein (44)
DL - Ozamataz Buckshank (83)
LB - Brian Riley (61)
CB - Alan Bosley (62)
S - Decatholac Mango (55)


Overview:
Kansas City enters the 2022 season led by a man of few intelligible words but plenty of smart throws in Arlen High phenom Boomhauer. On the sidelines Burt Cotton will be calling the shots as he looks to prove himself as a coach at the professional level. The C's will be bolstered by charismatic d-lineman and fan favorite, Ozamataz Buckshank.
Despite the years of talent and experience they feature on the field, KC will be looking to succeed in a competitive KFC conference this year, and while lacking at certain positions other teams thrive in, we can't help but imagine the C's finishing somewhere below .500 this season.

Prediction: (2-7)


LOS ANGELES VIBE
Coach: Herman Boone
Home Field: HR Field
Location: Los Angeles, California
Owner: @admin
Team Colors: Teal/Pink
Team Rating: 88/100
Star 11:
QB - Ronnie "Sunshine" Bass (84)
HB - Julian Washington (78)
WR - Rod "Money" Tidwell (93)
TE - Mergatroid Skittle (48)
OL - D'Pez Poopsie (74)
K - Lucy Draper (32)
P - Swordless Mimetown (38)
DL - D'Isiah T. Billings-Clyde (74)
LB - Spencer Strasmore (78)
CB - Eqqsquizitine Buble-Schwinslow (75)
S - Shakiraquan T.G.I.F. Carter (55)


Overview
It's safe to say that esteemed coach Herman Boone will have his hands full managing the ego's on this team, as the LA Vibe feature a lot of talent but are suspected of needing cohesion and stability if they wish to succeed this year. Boone proved he could get the job done at the high school level, but these be the big leagues (kind of).
Boone will be relying on a former player of his in star QB Ronnie "Sunshine" Bass, as well as the man many consider the best receiver in all of football, Rod "Money" Tidwell. LA will also be looking to charismatic LB Spencer Strasmore to be a solid rock for the locker room. The question is, will this team in general find a way to unify???

Prediction: (7-2)


NEW MEXICO 69'ERS
Coach: Paul "Doc" Hines
Home Field: 6-9 Stadium
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Owner: pduh
Team Colors: Crimson/Gold
Team Rating: 87/100
Star 11:
QB - Jonathan Moxon (51)
HB - Smash Williams (65)
WR - Clifford Franklin (69)
TE - D'Squarius Green, Jr. (82)
OL - Louie Lastik (76)
K - Legume Duprix (66)
P - King Prince Chambermaid (65)
DL - Andre Krimm (83)
LB - Vontae Mack (78)
CB - D'Jasper Probincrux III (73)
S - X-Wing @aliciousness (72)


Overview
The 69'ers had planned to play in San Francisco this season but were unable due to a trash avalanche that destroyed the Golden Gate Bridge, forcing the team to relocate their operations to Albuquerque, New Mexico. As such, the team will look to Virginia native Paul "Doc" Hines to be a stabilizing force for them this year.
Concerns over QB Jonathan Moxon's transition to the pro's are sure to be well documented, but fans are hopeful that these Niners should be able to hold their own on defense with stud LB Vontae Mack.

Prediction: (4-5)


NEW YORK BLIND SQUIRRELS
Coach: Coach Klein
Home Field: Shitty Field
Location: East Rutherford, New Jersey
Owner: Blindy
Team Colors: Hunter Green/White
Team Rating: 55/100
Star 11:
QB - Reno Hightower (72)
HB - Boobie Miles (59)
WR - Phil Elliott (69)
TE - Brian Murphy (42)
OL - Rudy Zolteck (59)
K - Sequester Grundelplith M.D. (47)
P - Ladennifer Jadaniston (42)
DL - Ivory Christian (69)
LB - Luther "Shark" Lavay (87)
CB - Petey Jones (84)
S - Leoz Maxwell Jilliumz (66)


Overview
The Squirrels will be guided this season by the head coach of South Central Louisiana State fame in Coach Klein. Despite moments of ineptitude, Klein's ability to give SCLSU their first winning season in 50 years while developing LB "Water Boy" Bobby Boucher, Jr. was clearly enough to earn him the job in the Big Apple.
The only question being, will the brightened spotlights of the biggest media market be too much for Klein and his fabled playbook to overcome? Veteran leadership in QB Reno Hightower and LB Luther "Shark" Lavay may not prove to be enough to steer the tides in New York's favor.

Prediction: (2-7)


PITTSBURGH RAGGEDY PIES
Coach: Bill Yoast
Home Field: Terrible Field
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Owners: RagnarokMike / 🤯
Team Colors: Black/Yellow
Team Rating: 77/100
Star 11:
QB - Paul Crewe (73)
HB - Dunham (54)
WR - Charlie Tweeder (76)
TE - Quackadilly Blip (50)
OL - Bud-Lite Kaminski (66)
K - Doink Ahanahue (59)
P - J.R. Junior Juniors, Jr. (42)
DL - Javaris Jamar Javarison-Lamar (84)
LB - Ogre (74)
CB - Morse Code (65)
S - Scoish "Velociraptor" Maloish (57)


Overview
Virginia legend Bill Yoast was a god amongst memorable Titans, but will his mortality be proven in Pittsburgh? Ex-con Paul Crewe will be slinging the hand egg for the Raggedy Pies to standout receiver Charlie Tweeder this year, while either DL Javaris Jamar Javarison-Lamar or LB Ogre of the Adams Fightin' Atoms will most likely be the face of this team's defense.
Among the other potential pitfalls of this organization will be the dual ownership of Ragnarok Mike and Pi, both longtime fans of the now defunct Pittsburgh Steelers. Will these two manage to see pie-to-pie or will Pitt fans be left with a crumbly, whipped coconut cream mess on their faces???

Prediction: (4-5)


TENNESSEE TITS
Coach: Tony D'Amato
Home Field: PornHub Stadium
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Owner: KING KID
Team Colors: Navy/Sky Blue/Red
Team Rating: 66/100
Star 11:
QB - "Steamin'" Willie Beamen (87)
HB - "The Legend of Polk High" Al Bundy (73)
WR - Rashid "Hot Hands" Hanon (78)
TE - Goolius Boozler (46)
OL - Billy Bob (68)
K - Nigel Gruff (43)
P - Firstname Lastname (32)
DL - Cosgrove Shumway (74)
LB - Kevin "Thad" Devlin Castle (83)
CB - Davoin Shower-Handel (71)
S - T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinfourth V (51)


Overview
The Tits have high hopes for this year as they bring in the most acclaimed coach in the PWFL, Tony D'Amato, who looks to reunite and salvage his relationship with star QB "Steamin'" Willie Beamen. The pair managed to win a world title in the late 90's and fans of the Tits are hopeful that this pair can repeat that same success in 2022.
The outspoken Kevin "Thad" Devlin Castle has been tasked with leading Tennessee's rock hard defense, but there remains questions about the young LB's maturity and professionalism going forward.

Prediction: (6-3)


TEXAS TODDFATHERS
Coach: Eric Taylor
Home Field: The Double Dome
Location: Houston, Texas
Owner: Todd
Team Colors: Navy/Red
Team Rating: 51/100
Star 11:
QB - Paul Blake (60)
HB - Billdozer Deautrive (80)
WR - Junior Floyd (65)
TE - Hingle McCringleberry (79)
OL - Andre Jackson (66)
K - Benedict Cumberbatch (41)
P - Donkey Teeth (69)
DL - Phillip Finch (65)
LB - Terry Tate (60)
CB - Quiznatodd Bidness (70)
S - Torres (53)


Overview
The Toddfathers will be sharing the city of Houston with their inter-conference foes the Brawlers this year at the illustrious Double Dome, two domed structures half-ass thatched together from the rubble of the former Astrodome and Reliant Stadium. Texas coaching legend Eric Taylor and Texas State alum QB Paul Blake will be joining forces for the Toddfathers.
But the real power behind the line will be none other than HB Billdozer Deautrive, a Texas high school record holder who (despite appearances) is alleged to have the combined strength of fitty men. Couple his presence with TD celebrating king TE Hingle McCringleberry and it becomes clear that only Texas themselves can get in their own way this year.

Prediction: (2-7)


TORONTO NIGHTMEN
Coach: Sam Winters
Home Field: Paddy's Park
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Owner: RT
Team Colors: Black/White/Red
Team Rating: 59/100
Star 11:
QB - Vince Howard (77)
HB - Fudge (70)
WR - Bisquiteen Trisket (54)
TE - L'Carpetron Dookmarriot (40)
OL - A.A. Ron Balakay (60)
K - Faux Doadles (38)
P - Busters Brownce (68)
DL - Greg Meaney (72)
LB - Danny Bateman (72)
CB - Creme De La Creme (75)
S - Torque "Construction Drilling Noise" Lewith (67)


Overview
The only Canadian team in the PWFL, the Nightmen are putting their faith in head coach Sam Winters for their first year of competition. QB Vince Howard was a high school standout in Texas and will hopefully bring his winning ways north of the border for Toronto. Joining him in the backfield will be the 300 lb. monster truck turned human in "Fudge" - yes, that is in fact his legal name.
Toronto looks to be well balanced enough on both sides, but the question remains as to whether or not Howard will be able to adjust his game at the next level.

Prediction: (3-6)

Let’s go Titties!

Raggedy Pies are all yours, RagnarokMike. I'm going to take the Agrobah Mean Genies to the USFL!

Haha some of these player names are tremendous. I'm pretty jealous Blindy has Boobie Miles though!

'Round the PWFL
We stand on the precipice of the first kickoff in PWFL history, now just a few weeks removed from the first truly professional football that has been played in several years. Welcome to "Round the PWFL", where we aim to take a glimpse into the recent goings on within the most okay foozeball league that's rarely available.
14 teams will don their fits on Week 1, and earlier this week the league sent out a combined presser with all team owners in attendance to reveal their team's identities. 13 were either revered or simply accepted on broken media, but 1 in particular incited outrage on Twatter:

@2thewindows2ouchmyballs: "@torontoft Nightmen!? REALLY!? TALK ABOUT RACIST!!! #torontotrudeaus #torontofootballteam"

@professorsaurusrex:
"@torontoft Did you not consider this may be problematic in a league being majority African American players!?"

As the pressure only intensified, team owner RT would hold his own press conference, visibly drunk and agitated while eating BBQ and smashing IPA's like Boggs:

"We were held hostage by a gang of five fuckin' idiots who forced us to change our team name last minute. We were also forced to invest in some swill called Wolf Cola against our will. They held a gun to our head but it turned out to just be a tequila shotgun in disguise. By the time we tried to correct it, the league's deadline had already passed. No, I'm not making this shit up. We plan to press charges as soon as possible and are exploring our options with regards to new team branding next season. Now thank you, fuck you and farewell, buddy - and have yourself a swell day."

In other news, it may be early, but the major outliers for the 2023 PWFL Draft class have already been projected, with QB Charlie Brown, WR Benny "Lil' Jet" Rodriguez, Jr. and TE LeFlop James impressing offensively. Defensively, DL Ron Simmons II, LB Pepperjack Johnson and CB Dimetime Manders are all key players for foozeball savants to keep an eyehole on.

Did I write that press conference quote? Because that is exactly what I would have said. #WadeBoggsStyle

I have no idea what’s going on.

This is fucking wicked and vintage prime Rad. :lol: Two Houston teams fuck the world

Paul Blake and Hingle McCringleberry! I seem to have a lot of paisans on my roster, lots of last names ending in vowels, which entitles me to fucking earn. I have a baby niece named Hirie and I nicknamed her Hirie Hingle McCringleberry its the funniest shit I don't know where I heard that name, was he a real life player in the old days? Are you in the same facebook groups Rad? 

But I fucking love this all the references nobody will get, Johnny Utah... DEFINITELY!!! BRAH