This thread is is inspired by a post that @the kid mad in the coronavirus thread. Please usebtyis to overshare and over rant to your hearts content.

To get this rolling....
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I developed an alcohol 'situation' in my teens (25 years ago). And ever since to varying degrèes have used alcohol as a coping mechanism. For the most part, like strong most, I've conquered this. Big there are moments of frustration where o get so frustrated I have drinks to wash the feelings away. Recently I had a bit of a breakdown when the stress of working 16 of 19 days caught up to me (combined with the emotional stress of convincing my supervisors to keep the spouse of a sock co worker home). I'm sure others have more stress; but this got to me.

How are you doing? What's your story? Current or old?

Share prices rant for mental Health's sake.

Thank you nazzer,

I think I may be a combination of autistic and asexual.

I myself, am autistic.

A lot of times, I struggle with words, even though I know in my head what to say. And sometimes when I do say something, it comes out wrong, making it awkward, and sometimes embarrassing. And some of that I've even done here.

Fortunately for me, I do have a strong willpower. I don't drink, or smoke, or do drugs. I attribute that to all the PSAs I saw on TV during my childhood.

Autism is not just social anxiety. Most people are socially awkward. Autism is disorganized thinking. The pattern of the neural networks is developed differently. I see a lot of people believe everything is autism these days and it is likely heavily overdiagnosed. With the neural networks studies taking off and the digestive system link moving from being batshit crazy theory to an actual likely cause I expect vast changes to what we know about autism in the next few decades.  Really exciting time as we are circling a likely cause for the rising autism cases in the use glyphosate pesticide and its effects on Clostridium bacteria.  We how this influences the neural networks but we have theories for how it would work.  Should this all prove legit, we will have an actual discrete cause for autism with a complete mechanism for action as to how it works.  

I was started to type a bunch about my thoughts on if I'm asexual and not sure if it would go here or better in my story thread. I guess I could do both.

I've taken a bunch of autistic tests to see and they all generally say I'm either straight up, or just on the border of yes/likely. Obviously that's not a diagnosis, but reading all the traits and such almost make me feel better about hangups if I could claim it. It's not that simple obviously, but it's certainly something and makes my life wrecking OCD more manageable.

Rant: I really miss gummies. I feel like the boredom of quarantine and anxiety of coronavirus are exactly what gummies are meant for.

Apr 12, 2020 22:21:43 GMT 🤯 said:

Rant: I really miss gummies. I feel like the boredom of quarantine and anxiety of coronavirus are exactly what gummies are meant for.

Those gummies should straight up be in the candy aisle.

I miss working at this grocery store/being friendzoned by a coworker because on lunch breaks we'd drive around in her car and smoke weed. I'm too high inhib to seek out a dealer so I've been hoping for legalization in my state, but all the law makers (gov included) are against recreation and the only one that's for any was Sherrod Brown for medical.

My Dad and brother have back issues so they get gummies, or even medical. Dad doesn't use them as he claims they didn't help. They won't share because they're losers.

I don't do change well. Many people think it's just me being an asshole, but it's actually tied to my anxiety and depression. If I'm somewhat in a routine, I do okay. When things change too much, the train goes off the track. Right before this we went to a new system at work (a new shittier system) and now my work environment (working from home) and basically the whole world has changed. I can deal with small changes or one big change, but this is too much all at once. My anxiety is at Defcon 1 and I recognize myself slipping into depression. I am trying to get ahead of it, but I'm already stressed about tomorrow. I have no motivation and my concentration is at an all time low. My bosses are putting so much pressure on me and I can't tell them what's happening because they don't understand.

I am ever so grateful to have this board and all of you because I can't tell anyone else this and I know many of you are going through similar situations.

It wouldn't shock anyone to know that I am a bundle of borderline mental health issues... Mild and unimportantish ones of course 

Because I am able to manage it, I don't want to seek help.
I think labels generally are unhelpful:
The internet is littered with people saying I can't do this because of my social anxiety or I can't do this because I am an introvert.
Those things may be right and true, but your life is not improved 1% by hiding behind a label.
If something is hard. do it anyway, if that seems hard, do it twice.
I have taken this attitude with everything through my life, I do not give myself permission to stop, or to hide.

That being said, I have all the hallmarks of Bipolar II, I only have two settings, but always get out of bed and go to work and don't engage in the risky behaviour.
I have sort of found a way to fit my work around it... When I am on, I will work a 19 hour day and then sleep in, but if I am not feeling it I just do the normal 12hrs or so, but am not particularly as productive.
But when I am on and hot, it's like the words come faster than I can write them down and I can write an entire article, proposal or whatever in one sitting, no drafts... I sort of wouldn't want to lose that, even though the flip side of the coin is not nice. The other problem is that when I am in one of those moods I can't really sleep.

The other slightly more troubling problem that I may seek help with is maybe having adult ADHD, it would explain so much about my life if I have it.
If I don't have it I am just a lost cause.
I just cannot seem to keep anything neat or organised, I am clean... Nothing is ever dirty, but systems for organizing stuff seems impossible.
Sitting through something boring is excruciating as in actual pain.

Apart from that I am as normal as can be expected.
But I do encourage people to not seek out labels.
The only reason to understand is to find ways to cope with your flaws... Not if you want an excuse for disengaging.

Bipolar is very misunderstood. For contrast I am bipolar II. Fairly sure it is an accurate diagnosis as well, since I only had true full blown mania once. The mania in bipolar is very misunderstood. When hypomanic (the lesser of the two) I will still go two to three days without sleep simply because I am not tired. In the past during these periods I would do research or schools work. So I would either read all my course books during that time, draft pretty much all my term papers, write up research designs and proposals or during the last one, draft 100 pages of my thesis fully cited. When manic I can read fast and retain most of what I read, so generally about one to two thousands pages of articles or academic texts during that time. The thing with mania is when you start something, you do not stop until the mania does. Not for sleep, for food, or because you lose interest. I worked REAL hard at focusing the mania and managed to avoid a lot of the risky stuff but I also have proposed a lot of research I had to later drop because non-manic C did not have the energy to do the hundreds of hours of subject running they would require. That said I do understand totally wanting to harness the energy you have. Most academics who are bipolar rely on these bursts to be productive.

That said mania can be misinterpreted for simply being motivated or, having a mild depressed state lift both. Both will create the positives the mania, without the negatives. What you are talking about Incy sounds more like being "in the zone," which is a normal occurrence. Same with having trouble sleeping as when you turned on your mind races. When I was doing mentalism I could trigger this in people. Would last a few hours with most people. And that is the difference really, is being motivated like this often also lasts a day or so but being hypomanic is this non-stop for several days to several weeks.

For true mania your disinhibition is also dropped and you usually get feelings of grandiosity and a general sense of euphoria. I am terrified of rollercoasters for instance but when I went to an amusement park while manic road them all with my girlfriend and was fine. I get a mild sense of panic just thinking about that though now. Most of my crazy hardcore / metal stories were mania inspired as well, like the time I got Kittie and got beat up by teen girls for heckling Morgan Lander until she cancelled the set after two songs or when I pegged Gwen Stefani with a water bottle and she cussed me out from the stage. Would be crazy when manic because you also rarely feel pain when manic and def do not think of consequences.

But if it is actual mania, you are likely grandiosity Cyclothymic. This is basically Bipolar III, where your mood fluctuates but not to the degree of clinical depression or mania. You have ups and downs but they do not go to the more extreme areas. For being distracted any ADHD will help you focus. They are fairly mild in terms of effects and if you have ADHD. Most are fairly tame to take at prescribed doses if taken as prescribed. I would suggest trying it to see if they help or not.

Apr 12, 2020 19:54:02 GMT CM Punk'd said:

I myself, am autistic.

A lot of times, I struggle with words, even though I know in my head what to say. And sometimes when I do say something, it comes out wrong, making it awkward, and sometimes embarrassing. And some of that I've even done here.

Fortunately for me, I do have a strong willpower. I don't drink, or smoke, or do drugs. I attribute that to all the PSAs I saw on TV during my childhood.

Keep up your posts here man, don't be discouraged about anything you do on these boards, it's appreciated the amount of activity and care you put in on here and the old PW.  



I suffered a bit with social anxiety on some occasions still do. My 70 minute train rides one way and 70 back are often very clustered during rush hour and not going to lie, it leads to internal heavy breathing among other issues but I manage with my music and trying my best to clear out the actuality. It has gotten much better now with full time work and as I get older I lost the care of how people viewed or treated me but yeah it wasn't always easy in the least bit. That's why I was often on the old PW and had that insane post streak, probably a good way to drown out the real world in a sense. Now with work, my time on here has drastically dipped and have even stood away from interaction online. My job is also customer service and have been at it for almost 5 years so that helps, am practically forced to interact with strangers on a daily basis and answer and help them the best way I can. 

Thanks c, that is very helpful.
From what you describe I would call myself Bipolar II.5 I don't want to get into all of it online, but some of what you describe resonates but not all of it.

I would like to try the ADHD, because I experience what I would call hyer-focus on something that interests me, but with most things I desperately struggle.
I am never late etc. but I do have a network of people i.e. my wife and my Father (who works for me) that help me from getting too much out of control.
The human brain is a very strange thing, I don't understand why there are so many things in regard to organisation, that just seem blocked.

Apr 13, 2020 13:15:15 GMT Blindy said:

Apr 12, 2020 19:54:02 GMT CM Punk'd said:

I myself, am autistic.

A lot of times, I struggle with words, even though I know in my head what to say. And sometimes when I do say something, it comes out wrong, making it awkward, and sometimes embarrassing. And some of that I've even done here.

Fortunately for me, I do have a strong willpower. I don't drink, or smoke, or do drugs. I attribute that to all the PSAs I saw on TV during my childhood.

Keep up your posts here man, don't be discouraged about anything you do on these boards, it's appreciated the amount of activity and care you put in on here and the old PW.  



I suffered a bit with social anxiety on some occasions still do. My 70 minute train rides one way and 70 back are often very clustered during rush hour and not going to lie, it leads to internal heavy breathing among other issues but I manage with my music and trying my best to clear out the actuality. It has gotten much better now with full time work and as I get older I lost the care of how people viewed or treated me but yeah it wasn't always easy in the least bit. That's why I was often on the old PW and had that insane post streak, probably a good way to drown out the real world in a sense. Now with work, my time on here has drastically dipped and have even stood away from interaction online. My job is also customer service and have been at it for almost 5 years so that helps, am practically forced to interact with strangers on a daily basis and answer and help them the best way I can. 

Thanks, man.

iNCY about five years ago I noticed my work performance was not where I wanted it to be and decided to finally admit my lifelong battle with ADHD. It started as a kid where I could stare at a person speaking, not speak or digest, have every intention of listening, and not hear a word. I was smart enough to push through school/most jobs but once I got to a job I really enjoyed I was frustrated by my constant disorganization, my inability to stay in my seat through the day, and the constant distraction of chatter around the building.

I started on meds and they’ve improved my performance for certain. Like C said they really haven’t had any unpleasant side effects, as long as you stay on them. I had an insurance issue which kept me from getting my meds for a month and I went through the most crushing suicidal depression I’ve had in my life. I would idealize driving off bridges on a daily basis, which though I’ve always tended a little bit to the dramatic I haven’t felt like that in years.

Apr 13, 2020 18:36:51 GMT mikec said:

iNCY about five years ago I noticed my work performance was not where I wanted it to be and decided to finally admit my lifelong battle with ADHD. It started as a kid where I could stare at a person speaking, not speak or digest, have every intention of listening, and not hear a word. I was smart enough to push through school/most jobs but once I got to a job I really enjoyed I was frustrated by my constant disorganization, my inability to stay in my seat through the day, and the constant distraction of chatter around the building.

I started on meds and they’ve improved my performance for certain. Like C said they really haven’t had any unpleasant side effects, as long as you stay on them. I had an insurance issue which kept me from getting my meds for a month and I went through the most crushing suicidal depression I’ve had in my life. I would idealize driving off bridges on a daily basis, which though I’ve always tended a little bit to the dramatic I haven’t felt like that in years.

I've wondered from time to time too if I should pursue an ADD or ADHD diagnosis. My dad in later years has wondered if he has had an undiagnosed case his whole life, but coming from the generation he comes from and being a Vietnam combat veteran... I think he poo-poo's the idea of seeking mental health help.

Assuming Ritalin or Adderall is the drug you're on KING KID mikec, I had no idea going off of it could lead to suicidal tendencies. That's scary as shit, and would make me feel a little trapped once I started on a medication. I'd for sure want to make sure I always had a runway stash so as to avoid ever running out.

EDIT: I totally mistook mikec for KING KID somehow. :eek:

Apr 13, 2020 18:36:51 GMT mikec said:

iNCY about five years ago I noticed my work performance was not where I wanted it to be and decided to finally admit my lifelong battle with ADHD. It started as a kid where I could stare at a person speaking, not speak or digest, have every intention of listening, and not hear a word. I was smart enough to push through school/most jobs but once I got to a job I really enjoyed I was frustrated by my constant disorganization, my inability to stay in my seat through the day, and the constant distraction of chatter around the building.

I started on meds and they’ve improved my performance for certain. Like C said they really haven’t had any unpleasant side effects, as long as you stay on them. I had an insurance issue which kept me from getting my meds for a month and I went through the most crushing suicidal depression I’ve had in my life. I would idealize driving off bridges on a daily basis, which though I’ve always tended a little bit to the dramatic I haven’t felt like that in years.

If that happens ever again look into GoodRX.  It is a free RX drug discount site.  Most of those medications can gotten extremely cheap using discount from drug discounters.  Provigil almost is never covered for me and was like $400 to fill without insurance.  Via GoodRx coupons it costs me normally $20 bucks to fill at my local grocery store.  

In NC one doctor I had suggested I always price check at that site as he said for many patients and many drugs it is cheaper than insurance copays.  Like for many people with $30 copays the drugs often drop under that price so you actually save by not using your insurance.  

Apr 13, 2020 19:25:40 GMT 🤯 said:

Assuming Ritalin or Adderall is the drug you're on KING KID mikec , I had no idea going off of it could lead to suicidal tendencies. That's scary as shit, and would make me feel a little trapped once I started on a medication. I'd for sure want to make sure I always had a runway stash so as to avoid ever running out.

EDIT: I totally mistook mikec for KING KID somehow.

Any drug you stop suddenly without tapering can fuck you shit up but amphetamines are brutal for it as your dopamine system drops basically triggering a severe depressive state extremely fast.  Not all ADHD drugs are amphetamines though these days.  


And yeah for people on the fence these medications have documented cognitive enhancing effects, which is another reason to give them a try with a doctor's backing if you believe you have ADHD.  It will have a double effect of reducing the ADHD symptoms and boosting your working memory performance by allowing more resources to be used for attention, particularly indirect attention.  You will find you lose things a whole lot less.

Apr 13, 2020 18:36:51 GMT mikec said:

iNCY about five years ago I noticed my work performance was not where I wanted it to be and decided to finally admit my lifelong battle with ADHD. It started as a kid where I could stare at a person speaking, not speak or digest, have every intention of listening, and not hear a word. I was smart enough to push through school/most jobs but once I got to a job I really enjoyed I was frustrated by my constant disorganization, my inability to stay in my seat through the day, and the constant distraction of chatter around the building.

I started on meds and they’ve improved my performance for certain. Like C said they really haven’t had any unpleasant side effects, as long as you stay on them. I had an insurance issue which kept me from getting my meds for a month and I went through the most crushing suicidal depression I’ve had in my life. I would idealize driving off bridges on a daily basis, which though I’ve always tended a little bit to the dramatic I haven’t felt like that in years.

That's very interesting mikec, thanks for sharing.
If 100% is a really organised person, where do you think you were unmedicated vs. now?

The biggest change from when I was on them was not so much organising in a systematic way, but knowing where things are, even in a mess. Your memory gets better and you tend to remember where you put things. Also when you do organize stuff, you do not have that awkward, fuck, I know I put this somewhere but where the fuck did I put it. I am def wired diff than you guys though in I do not have ADHD and the whole bipolar crap.

Apr 14, 2020 2:39:41 GMT iNCY said:

Apr 13, 2020 18:36:51 GMT mikec said:

iNCY about five years ago I noticed my work performance was not where I wanted it to be and decided to finally admit my lifelong battle with ADHD. It started as a kid where I could stare at a person speaking, not speak or digest, have every intention of listening, and not hear a word. I was smart enough to push through school/most jobs but once I got to a job I really enjoyed I was frustrated by my constant disorganization, my inability to stay in my seat through the day, and the constant distraction of chatter around the building.

I started on meds and they’ve improved my performance for certain. Like C said they really haven’t had any unpleasant side effects, as long as you stay on them. I had an insurance issue which kept me from getting my meds for a month and I went through the most crushing suicidal depression I’ve had in my life. I would idealize driving off bridges on a daily basis, which though I’ve always tended a little bit to the dramatic I haven’t felt like that in years.

That's very interesting mikec, thanks for sharing.
If 100% is a really organised person, where do you think you were unmedicated vs. now?

I’m still absent minded and can go on multiple trains of thought at once that will keep me from doing any of them, but I’d guess I was organized about 30% of the time before, now I’m more like 80%. I typically keep the neatest space in the office, but part of that is me acknowledging my weakness that if I have five projects on my desk I’ll be working on five projects so I do my best to limit my options so I stay on one track, which I credit to the medication.

Also realized I didn’t answer the initial question. I’ve been on antidepressants twice. The first time for about a year to deal with depression and some codependency issues that were coming up that I really needed to deal with, the second time to help cope with my feelings after getting my rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis and understanding the years ahead on treatments that were going to poison me. I stopped that once the med they gave me started giving me physical side effects (dry heaves, no sex drive, etc.) I think I’m prone to going pretty blue, but I’m not typically suicidal, just deeply sad. I’ve been to therapy once for a few weeks and it worked pretty well, just was using my free weeks through my employers plan to work on some anxiety I was having caused by work.

Currently I’m pretty good. I’m not nearly as dramatic as I was as a younger man, the codependency thing is something I needed to be shown and once I saw it I went to work on it.