ANIMAL WARFARE

  
(Disclaimer: All statements are based on 35.6 seconds of google research) 

@ness vs Baker

ROUND 1 

GREAT WHITE SHARK (Ness) VS GIANT SQUID (Baker) 

Ness: 

Great white is 2nd only to orcas and sperm whales as the largest predator on earth. Those routinely eat the squid and there have been no evidence it's the other way around. Great whites are also big hentai watchers, so seeing a bunch of tentacles only turns it on so it would be extra aggressive towards the squid. Even in it's lower depths with no light the shark wins. 

Baker:  

Its size advantage would win the day. A giant squid is about twice the size of a great white shark. The Giant Squid would reach out with its long tentacles covered in suckers to grasp the shark and draw it into to its massive beak. The squid's ink would also come in handy if the stupid shark had the audacity to try a rear attack. The shark is smaller with teeth as its only weapon. The squid has size and multiple weapons in its arsenal.




ROUND 2 

AMERICAN STAFFORDSHIRE TERRIER (Ness) VS HARPY EAGLE (Baker) 

Ness: 

Pitbulllike dogs are evil vile creatures that do not relent under any circumstance. An eagle may pounce from above, but the dog will continue to latch on even airborne. Videos have shown pitbulls to not be phased by blunt force trauma to the head or water. Nothing short of a knife or bullets to the head (and not always getting through the skull) can stop it. 

Baker: 

The lil doggy would stand little chance against the relentless aerial attack of the Harpy Eagle. Claws, teeth, and constant attacking from odd angles above would be too much for the perplexed pup to overcome. Those who control the high ground usually win battles as the Harpy Eagle would win this one.

Round 3 

BLACK MAMBA (Ness) VS GRIZZLY BEAR (Baker) 

Ness: 

Black mamba would startle the grizzly who is naturally afraid of creepy crawly things. So during it's initial panic it would lunge at the bear using the power of Kobe's BBC energy to administer venom before consuming it whole. 

Baker: 

More weapons- teeth, paws, feet. Even if the overgrown worm were to land a lucky bite the bear would not fade right away. It would also have a good chance of surviving the encounter altogether. Yet it's all over when the bear catches the mamba- be it with teeth, paws, or simply stepping on it. 

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Vote above for the team you believe would be victorious! 

So dope System,!

I voted for Ness. The Mamba was the tie breaker. Ness wins 2-1.

This was super tough.

It was 1 each. Though thinking about the shark getting turned by tentacles is something I never wanted to imagine, so you almost lost that one due to a horrifying vision. But then the black Mamba brought victory once again.

Though really envisioning a hentai loving great white shark teaming up with Kobe’s bbc is something I never thought possible. Congrats @ness

Fucking LOVE System's video to accompany this. The pro wrestling introductions complete with pics and piped in crowd response are fucking awesome. Bar of expectations has been set.

Anyway, without further ado... LET'S GET IT ON!!!~

ROUND 1: GREAT WHITE SHARK (@ness) VS GIANT SQUID (Baker)

@ness out first with some bad maths... if a Great White is second to TWO other animals, doesn't that make it THIRD at best? The hentai strategy might be a bit of a stretch, but I'm willing to buy that there's little-to-no evidence of giant squids eating Great Whites. Although, conversely, a giant squid seems like an awfully large meal for a sole Great White and Great Whites aren't known to hunt/kill/devour in packs. So... let's see what Baker-man's offensive/defensive strategy is...

Size. And ink. Hmmm...

I didn't realize a giant squid is only twice the size of a Great White. I'm not going to fact check that. That was Baker's job. Even if it wasn't factually true, Baker should've just hyperbolized and claimed a giant squid was 10x the size of a Great White. I would've bought that, and then also bought into the size differential being a much more deciding factor. As it stands, a 2x size differential in this case isn't the be-all-end-all I think Baker thinks it would be.

HOWEVER, the ten tentacles and ink combo are not to be slept on. The ability to tangle 'n' strangle is HUGE. I've always learned that sharks of all kinds have to keep swimming or else they'll sink. I think it was only later in life that I learned that sharks in fact have to keep swimming because that's how water gets forced through their gills; i.e., it's how they BREATHE. So, if a giant squid can ensnare a Great White (even if it has to sacrifice one or two of ten limbs to do so) and just kinda hold it in place --or even better, plug up those gills-- I think it's victory via choke hold. Add a blast of ink like a Tajiri mist job for the cherry on the sundae, and I think it's a done deal. Then giant squid can use it's beak to casually pick Great White's carcass apart.

I'm giving this round to GIANT SQUID (Baker)!

8=====D

ROUND 2: AMERICAN STAFFORDSHIRE TERRIER (@ness) VS HARPY EAGLE (Baker)

On a philosophical stance, can't say I agree at all with the bad hot take that pit bulls are "evil vile creatures that do not relent under any circumstances". That said, I nevertheless understand where Nessy Poo is coming from on this... and his follow-on statements ring true. If the pit happened to be quick enough to catch a divebombing eagle in it's mouth, it's game over for the eagle. Meanwhile, I don't think the eagle has much in the way of effective offense. Dive-bombing with its beak right into the pit's forehead would probably be pretty close to a knife stab or bullet shot... but if it doesn't penetrate or get the job done in one strike, woof. High risk, low odds of reward.

To Baker's point, at best I could see the eagle maybe getting away with repeated swoops to gouge out the pit's eyes and harass it with a bunch of smaller lacerations. But even horribly maimed, I'm not seeing the pit dying of a thousand cuts. I think the eagle's best bet honestly is to make it a war of attrition. Just stay airborne, swoops and attack whenever the pit loses focus... and maybe eventually bleed the blind sumbitch to death. But there will always be that relatively high chance the pit, even blind, can otherwise sense the eagle and snatch it in its jaws. And then it's GAME OVER.

I'm going to call this one a draw for the moment...

8=====D

Round 3: BLACK MAMBA (@ness) VS GRIZZLY BEAR (Baker)

Is a grizzly bear naturally scared of creepy crawly things? Or is @ness confusing a griz with a mouse-fearing elephant? Regardless, I've seen YouTubes of polite Canadians scaring grizzlies off their back porches just by shouting "PLEASE DEPART!" -- so I could be inclined to buy a bear being scared of a snake. And even assuming a griz is more curious than scared at first, all the Black Mamba needs is a moment of hesitation to strike. And then dat venom bro.

Baker raises a good point about the griz's girth coming into play. Presumably it'd take more venom that the black mamba is used to dishing out in a single bite to take an immediate effect. So, let's give Ness the benefit of the doubt and say that bear is scared of snake. In a panicked moment of hesitation, black mamba lashes out and bites bear. Like that poor cobra on Macho Man's bicep, black mamba gets stuck with its fangs buried in bear's flesh. The venom starts coursing into bear's bloodstream, but bear still has some fleeting moments of adrenaline-powered fight of flight response. Bear claws/bites black mamba off, tearing dat bitch in half. For good measure, bear stomps on both halves of black mamba... putting her out for good like some smoldering cigarette butts. Black mamba is toast, BUT... in the commotion, enough venom made it into bear that bear isn't long for this world either.

Bear wins the battle, at a grave cost. Mamba wins the war... even though they both technically lose the war.

This one is definitely a draw.

8=====D

Circling back to Round 2 now... which is turning into a 24-hour iron man match. Eagle has deployed the strategy I suggested and mostly kept it's airborne distance from pit. Eagle has effectively plucked out both of pit's eyes, and scored a bunch of stinging talon lacerations along pit's hindquarters. But pit is still standing, and is still in this fight. Because dogs have acute senses of smell and hearing, pit can still mostly gauge when eagle is on the approach for another attack. And eventually, finally, eagle's luck runs out. Pit snatches a wing or a foot in its canines, and turns eagle into KFC crumbs.

Round 2 goes to @ness!

So...

Round 1 to Baker, Round 2 to @ness, and Round 3 is one of those Last Man Standing-style double KO draws.

What a way to kick off Animal Warfare!!!

Tangle n Strangle!

That video is tremendous. Great production values here System

I'm voting for Ness mainly on comedic grounds, but also because he was smart enough to pick up the great white shark - a James Harrison-esque undrafted destroying machine.

Love the intro. Awesome job System.

My initial thoughts are that Baker has the stronger roster, but @ness has the slightly stronger arguments. Let's dig deeper.

Round 1
Ness brings the facts about predators, despite the dodgy math, and the humour with the hentai reference. I can't see a giant squid ever attacking a shark, as Ness observes, but Baker puts forth a compelling counterargument that the squid has the means to defend itself effectively. That, coupled with 🤯's observations towards sharks is starting to tip the scales towards Baker.

Should I be using the commentary of a third party to influence my vote? I have no idea. I'm going to cop out and call this one a tie. And I'm not going to read the rest of 🤯's post until I've made up my own mind on the next two rounds.

Round 2
Ness tried hard but the matchup itself is pretty one-sided in my eyes, and Baker's argument was the effortless kick that was needed to put the ball in the back of the net.

Round 3
Pretty much the same as above. I have a hard time believing Ness's claim that the grizzly bear is naturally afraid of creepy crawly things. Sounds like a desperation swing. I don't know what "Kobe's BBC energy" means. Lost on me. Baker's argument is very convincing.

So it's 2-0 to Baker, and fortunately I am not forced to resolve my inner conflict about round 1.

Don't believe eagle vs dog is anywhere near as close as 🤯 is making it out to be. Eagles swoop down and take out much larger prey than dogs. They probably deal the mortal blow in the first dive. I don't believe a dog has the ability to meet an eagle dive head on. It would have to get really lucky.

Perhaps I'm assuming too much when Baker says a grizzly can survive a mamba bite, or survive long enough to crush the snake. If @ness can find some facts to prove him wrong, I might have to reconsider my choices.

Jun 18, 2020 12:11:29 GMT Emperor said:

Don't believe eagle vs dog is anywhere near as close as 🤯 is making it out to be. Eagles swoop down and take out much larger prey than dogs. They probably deal the mortal blow in the first dive. I don't believe a dog has the ability to meet an eagle dive head on. It would have to get really lucky.

Perhaps I'm assuming too much when Baker says a grizzly can survive a mamba bite, or survive long enough to crush the snake. If @ness can find some facts to prove him wrong, I might have to reconsider my choices.

Don't underestimate a pit bull and confuse it for a pug or beagle or even a puggle!

Also, yeah... I'm open to follow-on arguments from the Pokémon collectors battling here to sway me either way.

Are we assuming these are animals meeting by chance in the wild or is it a sanctioned dog fight? Because perhaps if they start in even footing the eagle is not given a chance to fly above the nanny dog.

Sharks also aren't known to fight fair so again a dog fight it loses that sense of surprise but perhaps the squid is fleeing a whale and found itself in the wrong neighborhood and that's when Jaws strikes.

Jun 18, 2020 12:43:24 GMT @ness said:

Are we assuming these are animals meeting by chance in the wild or is it a sanctioned dog fight? Because perhaps if they start in even footing the eagle is not given a chance to fly above the nanny dog.

Sharks also aren't known to fight fair so again a dog fight it loses that sense of surprise but perhaps the squid is fleeing a whale and found itself in the wrong neighborhood and that's when Jaws strikes.

Oh, good question. I assumed it was like a Pokémon battle.

Jun 18, 2020 12:43:24 GMT @ness said:

Are we assuming these are animals meeting by chance in the wild or is it a sanctioned dog fight? Because perhaps if they start in even footing the eagle is not given a chance to fly above the nanny dog.

Sharks also aren't known to fight fair so again a dog fight it loses that sense of surprise but perhaps the squid is fleeing a whale and found itself in the wrong neighborhood and that's when Jaws strikes.

Yes

I'm going for the chance meeting, mostly because it helps my cause a lot :lol:

Every time I click he's winning by 1. Don't like how all my guys conveniently only seem to run into Baker's team when they're at an advantage and not the other way around but IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Man this was a tough one. I really think the first one could be a draw but I gave it to Ness and his entertaining arguments, but Baker took it for me with the eagle because I don't know how many of you have ever seen an eagle but their talons alone would wreck a staffie not to mention their beak. The third one, the black mamba would have to strike and hopefully the poison would do it's worst before the Grizzly stepped on or tore it apart but a Grizzly has a thick coat and hide so it may not pierce it's skin. Grizzly for me.

Baker FTW~!

In honor of @ness's favorite kind of poll outcome, I think we all need to collude to ensure this ends in a tie.

Jun 19, 2020 0:34:54 GMT 🤯 said:

In honor of @ness 's favorite kind of poll outcome, I think we all need to collude to ensure this ends in a tie.

No tie breakers either. Make it an animal 3-way dance.

Or a triangle match!

Jun 19, 2020 0:36:21 GMT @ness said:

Jun 19, 2020 0:34:54 GMT 🤯 said:

In honor of @ness 's favorite kind of poll outcome, I think we all need to collude to ensure this ends in a tie.

No tie breakers either. Make it an animal 3-way dance.

Or a triangle match!

I wonder how different voting would be if this suddenly turned into a six animal tag match.

Jun 19, 2020 0:37:40 GMT 🤯 said:

Jun 19, 2020 0:36:21 GMT @ness said:

No tie breakers either. Make it an animal 3-way dance.

Or a triangle match!

I wonder how different voting would be if this suddenly turned into a six animal tag match.

Grizzly got the Shark in a dorsel fin hook when the PITTIE(~!) makes the hot tag only to get cut off by the eagle who just randomly flies the two of them out of the arena.

Digging the intro vid featuring System putting his ring announcer skills to good use.

Baker had an extra hi-potion so he got LUCKY!

Jun 19, 2020 19:33:42 GMT @ness said:

Baker had an extra hi-potion so he got LUCKY!

Haven't indulged in my daily gummy allowance yet, but still don't even know what this means.

Soon though...

Jun 19, 2020 22:24:34 GMT 🤯 said:

Jun 19, 2020 19:33:42 GMT @ness said:

Baker had an extra hi-potion so he got LUCKY!

Haven't indulged in my daily gummy allowance yet, but still don't even know what this means.

Soon though...

Play more Pokemon.

He healed his last guy before I could finish them. Stupid bear had too much HP.

BREAKING KAYFABE

I didn't vote for myself either. To do so is the height of bad form...

UNLESS! My draft card is CLEARLY better but the idiots of PW vote for the other person anyway. This happened the last time I participated in a PW draft. But it was PW's loss in the end. They never got to experience the Hogan/Aldis DREAM MATCH OF THE CENTURY. #StillBitter

My grizzly bear over black mamba writeup was a load of b.s. I think the mamba wins that one.

As for Great White vs. Giant Squid, the second search result is a video/writeup of shark going over squid.

Still think my eagle beats the dog though.

Since we're shooting, @ness wins 2-1.

But my writeups were better. Clearly nobody can out-bullshit the Bakerman.

So suck it.