ANIMAL WARFARE

(Make sure to get your Animal Warfare "Werch" :lol:)

Round 1

Team Emperor  
Lowland Gorilla 
Great Horned Owl

VS 

Team UT  
Common Hippo 
African Lion 
Polar Bear 


Match 1

Lowland Gorilla (E) VS Common Hippo (U) 

Emperor:

A hippo only has one weapon. Its big, crushing mouth. Granted, that is a strong weapon. But a hippo is slow and cumbersome. A lowland gorilla could run circles around a hippo, so it can easily avoid the jaws of death.



The Lowland Gorilla is the strongest species of gorilla. They are non-aggressive by nature (as is the hippo), but when threatened, you bet the gorilla is going to bring a world of hurt. A hippo is a bulky creature, but even a hippo won't survive too many crushing hammerblows from the hyper-strong gorilla. One gorilla smash to the side of the head and you got yourself a dead hippo.



Think Muhammad Ali versus a 400 pound man who can barely move. Ali's opponent couldn't touch him. Haymaker after haymaker until the inevitable KO. That's your Gorilla vs Hippo fight. 

UT:  

A hippo is one of the most dangerous , largest animals on the planet with mammoth teeth that can puncture anything. The gorilla is strong but it’s met it’s match in the hippo. The gorilla would wear out trying to puncture the hippos armor where as one bite could down the gorilla. And if he stayed the the water then it would only weigh more against the gorilla.



Match 2 

Great Horned Owl (E) Vs African Lion (U) 

Emperor:

You might wonder how an owl could kill a lion. Sounds preposterous, right? Well, it's actually quite simple, and not very pleasant.



A Great Horned Owl has one of the strongest talon grips of any bird on the planet. It could crush a human skull with ease. A lion's skull certainly wouldn't withstand the pressure either. This is how the Great Horned Owl actually kills some of its larger prey, such as deer. It could also stab with its talons, or bite with its beak, but one stealth skull crush on a lion is all it needs.



The doubters among you, including UT, may argue that the owl would never be in a position to crush a lion's skull. Let me ask you this: do you think a lion has a snowball's chance in hell of catching an owl?



The wise owl knows he must be smart to defeat the big cat. He will rest during the day. Where do owls rest? They rest on a high tree branch, in a dense forest, where their camouflage makes them undetectable. Certainly a lion won't even see a resting owl, never mind have the ability to climb up to those great heights.



The owl will spy on the lion with its phenomenal eyesight, wait until night, and strike under cover of darkness. Owls are able to hunt in complete darkness, and normally feast on creatures much smaller than a lion, so keeping an eye on its large target is a piece of cake. Owls also fly in complete silence, so even if the lion couldn't sleep due to lion-somnia or something, its alert ears wouldn't notice it coming.



The owl lands, and crushes the lion's skull. It's over in seconds. 

UT:  

The great horned own against one of the most powerful and efficient killing machines in the animal world in an African Lion? I don’t even see how that would be a contest - yes the the Lion would struggle to catch the owl but the owl would be risking life and limb with every offensive attack and once the Lion got his paws on him it would be game over. I could easily see a tired Owl swoop down , get swatted and knocked silly before the Lion devours him in one bite.

Match 3 

Mountain Lion (E) VS Polar Bear (U) 

Emperor:

These two creatures live in completely different habitats, so it's impossible to imagine a situation where they will fight. Realistically, what would happen?



The mountain lion will thrive in the forests, hills, and plains, dining on its varied prey for a long and fulfilling life. Meanwhile, global warming will melt the ice caps, the polar bear will lose its habitat and its food, and die.



Mountain lion wins.


UT:  

The Polar Bear is another incredibly powerful and vicious predator that is deadly on land and in water. The largest and most deadly bear would make quick work of one of the smaller species in the predator cat world . It would take multiple cougars to take down a single polar bear - I don’t see a scenario in a one vs one battle where the mountain lion wins.

1. Lions have highly developed night vision. There is no cover of the night for the owl. There is only death.

2. You’re pretty much conceding the last battle , admitted the cougar couldn’t take the Polar Bear in a fight. Play the waiting game and get eaten alive by a as you eluded to a “starving polar bear”.

Give me the hungry and desperate predator over the relaxed one chilling in some shrubs.

Since when does a hippo have armour? Since never. It may have reasonably thick skin, but not enough to withstand hammerblows from one of the most powerful species of animal walking the earth.

Jun 24, 2020 18:14:05 GMT UT said:

1. Lions have highly developed night vision. There is no cover of the night for the owl. There is only death.

2. You’re pretty much conceding the last battle , admitted the cougar couldn’t take the Polar Bear in a fight. Play the waiting game and get eaten alive by a as you eluded to a “starving polar bear”.

Give me the hungry and desperate predator over the relaxed one chilling in some shrubs.

1. Even if that's true, lions can't see when they are asleep, and they might only see the owl coming if it was flying directly at them. Which it wouldn't do.

Furthermore, male lions sleep 18-20 hours a day. Lazy fucks. They can't stay awake for more than 6 hours at a time. That's no time at all for the Great Horned Owl. Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt and allow you a female lion, that's still 15-18 hours a day of sleep.

2. Where would they fight? If they fight in the polar bear's world, the Arctic, the cougar would obviously lose because it would practically freeze to death. But bring the polar bear to the cougar's world, and it would be rendered useless due to heat exhaustion, making it easy prey for the cougar.

There's no fair fight to be had, so it's either a no contest, or global warming fucks the polar bear.

So you’re just relying on the king of the animal species to fall asleep so a bird can get a lucky shot in?

Also Polar Bears have proven to survive and do well in temperatures over 80 degrees (like it can get where they live) so that’s all just hopeful gibberish. The polar bear flourishes in cold but is not nearly as effected by heat as you presume. The cougar is done in any climate.

Jun 24, 2020 18:28:29 GMT UT said:

So you’re just relying on the king of the animal species to fall asleep so a bird can get a lucky shot in?

If you want to describe a smart strategy as luck, be my guest. I'm hardly "relying on it" either. They sleep most of the day. You need to rely on the lion being awake to stand a chance.

Jun 24, 2020 19:05:42 GMT Emperor said:

Jun 24, 2020 18:28:29 GMT UT said:

So you’re just relying on the king of the animal species to fall asleep so a bird can get a lucky shot in?

If you want to describe a smart strategy as luck, be my guest. I'm hardly "relying on it" either. They sleep most of the day. You need to rely on the lion being awake to stand a chance.

The Lions live in a land of predators and some of the most dangerous animals on the planet and remain at the top of the food chain. If that was really an issue than they wouldn’t be at the top of said food chain.

Still loving System's epic intros.

Wanting to wage my own personal war against my animals because they keep putting their shitty butt holes on my fingers and toes. While I'm trying to prep dinner! Anyway...

LOL @ the c shout out.

Hey! System encroaching on PW News' gimmick of hyping other ongoing around the board. @ness, whatchagonna do BROTHERRRR!?!?!?

=====

Match 1
Lowland Gorilla (E)
VS
Common Hippo (U)

Boy oh boy, I thought Moose vs. Cape Buffalo was gonna be a tough fight. This might be even tougher than that one!

Is a hippo as slow as Dr. Emperor posits? I'm not so sure. Is a gorilla as quick and nimble as Doc Emp posits? I'm not so sure. What was the most terrifying animal from Congo? Hippos or Gorillas? Considering this was the movie where I learned how dangerous hungry hungry Hippos are... I'm inclined to say Hippos.

I think Doc Emp might be underestimating how sense Hippo's skull is and how many blows that bulbous body can absorb. I honestly think Gorilla's best bet is attempting a sleeper hold if he has the reach.

That said, I do like his Ali vs. Haystacks Calhoun analogy.

UT confuses the fuck outta me with the mention of armor, but smart to mention the water. Not sure if Gorillas can swim or how long they can hold their breath. So maybe the sleeper strategy might be rendered ineffective after all.

Here's how I see this fight panning out...

Hippo lunges first with a big bite, being the more cantankerous and thus more aggressive combatant. Gorilla sidesteps harm thanks to his nimbleness. Hippo pivots and goes for another big bite, but Gorilla dodges again and counterstrikes with a double axe handle to the head. Gorilla underestimates how dense Hippo's skull is though, and Hippo is barely fazed.

Gorilla starts to stick and move in a panic, getting around Hippo's side and working Hippo's girth with some body blows. Maybe if he's lucky he manages to break a rib, but the amount of blows and thus effort this assault takes risk wearing Gorilla out and thereby mitigating his nimbleness advantage. Thinking fast on his feet with his near man-like intelligence, Gorilla leaps onto Hippo's back and slaps on a rear naked choke.

Hippo tries to shake Gorilla loose, but to no avail. So Hippo charges desperately into the deep muddy waters of the nearby river from which he emerged. The scene looks like Hogan charging across the ring with Iron Sheik on his back in 1984. But Hippo doesn't break Gorilla's Camel King Kong Klutch since water doesn't have the same impact as a turnbuckle. Gorilla hangs on to the hold, hoping for that chokeout KO.

But Hippo is now in his element, and used to holding his breath. He simply out-waits Gorilla, who's ultimately forced to let go and retreat to the surface. Gorilla slinks back to shore, turns to see if Hippo is in pursuit... But surface appears calm. For sure too dark and muddy to see through. So Gorilla leans in for a closer look, just to be sure.

And that's when Hippo pounces! Just like in Congo. Just like in Hungry Hungry Hippo. Hippo snatches Gorilla by the throat in that powerful bite, and then drags him under. Game over, Gorilla. Jane Goodall weeps for you.

RIP 🦍

Winner of Match 1: hippopotamus / UT

=====

Match 2
Great Horned Owl (E)
VS
African Lion (U)

Super shitty draw for Doc Emp, as cat beats bird practically every time. Let's see if the Good Doctor can mount a surprising offense/defense to flip my mind.

Definitely not buying Owl's feet being big enough to wrap around Lion's underrated thick skull to crush it. So feet strength is out as a weapon sadly.

I agree odds are highly unlikely a lion will spot much less catch wise Owl during the day. But what if Owl is being THRUST into Pokébattle Hunger Games style!? Eventually these two will have to meet... Right? Cats generally seem to be more active at night when it's cooler and their natural night vision works more in their favor. So even if nocturnal Owl tries to make a move in the dark, safety isn't guaranteed.

Willing to buy Owl being able to keep its distance, and Lion having a hard time hearing Owl fly. But Owl definitely isn't bringing anything to the table as a true offense. And I think Doc Emp is underestimating kitty cats ability to climb as well.

My mind is mostly still made up. Let's see if UT presents anything to deal the seal...

And yeah... UT pretty much exactly outlines exactly how I'd see this fight panning out. Like opposite of Eagle vs. Pitbulls because cats > dogs.

RIP 🦉

Winner of Match 2: lion / UT

=====

Match 3
Mountain Lion (E)
VS
Polar Bear (U)

Despite UT already having this overall in the bag, this match is still a tight tossup. Methinks at the outset the size differential will prove to be the difference maker. Let's see...

So, sounds like Dr. Emperor already knows he's fucked as he's relying mostly on global warming / climate change to do mountain lion's fighting for him. Which is sad, because mountain lions are a ferocious and worthy adversary in their own right. Stealth, speed, strength and lethal claws and bites. Woof. I fear them while hating that I have to, because they're also so damn cute!

Samesies for polar bears though. So cute, yet so dangerous. I agree with UT that in a one on one situation, polar bear has the edge. Polar bears are featured in zoos all over America, so climate control is not as much of an issue as Doc Emp is hoping it'd be. On top of that, wild polar bears kill and eat orcas... I'm pretty sure that's a fact. Granted, I think they drag them out of the water to finish the job. But if they're capable of that, they're capable of staving off a single cougar.

As much as it pains me to say, RIP 🙀

Winner of Match 3: polar bear / UT

=====

A clean sweep but no shame in defeat for Dr. Emperor. It was more tough draws that did him in than his picks or writeups. Against some of the other rosters, I think he sees at least a first round victory if not more successes too. Alas, tough break.

Match 1 is a total hoss fight. Two beasts, but I think the hippo wins it. They match up with any animal in its environment.
Owl attacks from the sky, after the lion gets bored and stops fighting. Owl wins.
Polar bear would do better in the heat than mountain lion would do in the cold, and polar bears are monsters. Bear wins.

Holy shit, you two are actually debating further! Let me read the follow-on arguments and see if my mind is changed.

Hippos are one of the deadliest creatures on earth. No one thinking of Moto-Moto from Madagascar or the Hippos from Fantasia would believe that, however they lack the limbs of a gorilla so I give the gorilla the win. First round to Emperor

He's fucked after that.

No way an owl takes a lion and less of a chance of a mountain lion taking a polar bear. Mine is a grumpy bastard when he has a bad hibernation season. Everyone knows all Canadians have a polar bear as a pet. It's how we get to work in the winter.

I hate voting for UT, but he chose well.

Hey! System encroaching on PW News' gimmick of hyping other ongoing around the board. Ness, whatchagonna do BROTHERRRR!?!?!?

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.

I picked my animals for the team aspect, anticipating a 6-man tornado tag style contest. Owls to take out the insects that many people were picking and perhaps distract the bigger adversaries. Gorilla as the big tough bruiser. And mountain lion as the vicious hunter. The moment I received System's PM with the animal vs animal pairings, I knew I was fucked. Even more so given that it was a series of three 1v1 matchups instead of the format I had planned for, but that's on me for not reading the rules properly.

For this format all you have to do to win is pick the three biggest animals available. Which is what UT did. Kinda like picking Big Show, Great Khali and Giant Gonzalez and winning a pro-wrestling simulated combat. Size wins.

I used up all my bullshit juice on the first two rounds, so I had nothing left for mountain lion vs polar bear and went for "global warming lol" argument. Didn't consider that polar bears can survive in normal temperatures, which is odd considering I've actually seen polar bears in inland zoos living in the same climate as giraffes and everything else.

I actually kinda like the argument I came up with for owl vs lion. 🤯 laughed it off, but it's more plausible than what he wrote for killer whale vs badger and squid vs cheetah.

I didn’t just pick the biggest animals , I also went for the versatility in the Hippo and Polar Bear in being able to flourish on land or water and survive multiple climates.

That was a fun back and forth though.

It was fun. I never stood a chance really, but nobody can say I didn't try :lol:

Jun 27, 2020 14:20:55 GMT Emperor said:

I actually kinda like the argument I came up with for owl vs lion. 🤯 laughed it off, but it's more plausible than what he wrote for killer whale vs badger and squid vs cheetah.

We'll just have to agree to disagree there then, Chessman. Zero percent chance owl ever takes lion, even with your argument. At minimum a 133.33% chance both BRO & Honey Badger win against Cheetah & Orca with the strategies my gummy brain put forth.

Yeah cat vs bird just never speaks well for the bird. I thought Gorilla vs Hippo was the one matchup I could lose just because of the Gorilla's strength but yeah.

I'll admit I was letting Emperor hang himself in the climate argument for a bit before I brought up the fact that Polar Bears indeed to live in temperatures above 80 degrees for part of the year. It was fun reading that and he did put in the effort but the match up just wasn't there.