Don't let this be a dream.

Taking a break from catching up on my second (and equally unacceptable) PW News backlog while waiting for a grocery delivery, so thought I'd start this project in the meantime. Figure it'll have more of a "purpose" than my High Times thread in OT, and will become all the more fun whenever I eventually resume chomping gummies... 18+ years from now?

ANYWAY...

What follows is the unauthorized semi-autobiographical account of Marty Jannetty's life, as relayed to me via unsolicited voicemails by some guy purporting to be "The Better Half of the Rockers" himself. On occasion, posts will be verbatim transcriptions of the voicemails (when they're coherent enough to transcribe). More often than not though, posts will be paraphrased recaps.

Buckle up and get ready for the craziest pro wrestling-related ride you've ever taken!

I'm going to laugh, I'm going to cry but above all else I'm going to hate that cocksucker Shawn Michaels.

Bring it on 🤯.

It always begins with sex. It has to, right?

A little bit of non-consenting incestuous sex in Ray Charles's beloved state of Georgia in 1959 is the prologue-in-a-nutshell to the greatest superhero origin story of all-time. Legend has it that it was just some run-of-the-mill Noah Cross-style father/daughter ugly-bumping that ultimately resulted in the birth of Frederick Martin Jannetty on February 3 in the year of our lord 1960.

Mama Jannetty absconded with Baby Marty into the backwoods of Georgia when he was only a few months old, and together they dove headfirst into that Deliverance lifestyle. When he wasn't chugging tit milk (Mama Jannetty insisted on breastfeeding him until the age of ten) or chewing on wild squirrel meat, Young Marty subsisted on Blue Ridge Mountain blue meth.*

*Marty's accounts of this high quality meth would later go on to inspire certain aspects of the critically-acclaimed television show Breaking Bad.

At a young age, Marty exhibited a propensity for wrestling. He had a natural talent for the grappling arts, which first revealed itself at the age of four when he wrestled a black bear cub into submission in front of its petrified mother. Supposedly Marty forced the cub to not only tap but also actually speak, squealing "I QUIT!", with a masterfully applied bear hug (-_-). Marty then shot the mother a look, gave her Rock's Just Bring It gesture, and hit the first-ever Rocker Dropper —thereby inventing the most innovative offensive maneuver ever seen— on her when she went to tend to her humbled cub.

TO BE CONTINUED!

YES!! YES!! YESSSSS!!!!!! :lol:

Any truth to the rumour that Brother Bear was inspired by a particular trip Jannetty had while on blue chew?

:lol: that picture. Only in the 'burgh.

On the heels of his unprecedented successes in the bear wrestling arena, young Marty Jannetty was offered a full ride to Georgia's VERY exclusive South Columbus Elementary School. While not the most academically gifted student in the school's history, Marty nevertheless still found a way to etch his name into the record books with his rasslin'-related shenanigans.

First, Marty debuted as the new kid in school the only way he knew how and the only way he saw fit: cut a promo on the principal, challenging him to a wrestling match in the parking lot. (Upon reflection later in life, Marty came to realize that he targeted the principal as a stand-in father figure because of all the pent-up ill will Marty harbored for his own daughter-raping/mother-making dad.) The principal, Dr. Robotnik --who'd later go on to inspire the iconic villain featured in the Sonic the Hedgehog video game franchise-- initially balked at the challenge, which only served to irk Marty. So Marty made a point of antagonizing the principal into accepting the challenge by routinely making his life a living hell through those first few weeks of school.

Marty started out by spray-painting "Dr. Robot is POOPY!" all over the principal's car (which would later serve as inspiration for the most iconic moment in WWE RAW history, when John Cena spray-painted an eerily similar "JBL is POOPY!" all over John Bradshaw Layfield's limo). Then Marty escalated matters by urinating in the principal's tea (which would later serve as inspiration for the second most iconic moment in WWE RAW history, when Chris Jericho peed in Commissioner Regal's earl grey). This action so traumatized poor Dr. Robotnik that he had to forever switch from drinking tea to drinking coffee. But then, the straw that broke the camel's back came when a young Marty threw a cup of piping hot coffee in the principal's face in the middle of morning announcements (a moment that would later go on to inspire Jericho again... this time to throw a cup of coffee in the masked face of the second greatest wrestler of all-time, Kane). Having had enough and being pushed to the brink, Dr. Robotnik finally saved and agreed to meet Marty at the flagpole at 3pm for a ONCE IN A LIFETIME wrestling match.

The ensuing bout between Marty and Dr. Robotnik was a one-sided squash more embarrassing than Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon at WrestleMania Whatever. The fast-as-lightning Marty innovated the hurricanrana on the spot, immediately taking the principal down to the asphalt with a never-before-seen flying head scissors maneuver. Keeping his legs grapevined around the principal's head, Marty seamlessly transitioned into a triangle choke on the ground. The panicked principal was instantly saying "UNCLE!" between gasps for air, but unfortunately --due to his broken family and single mom upbringing-- Marty didn't know what an uncle was, nor did he know that the term was sometimes used as a safe word to signal submission. Looking for the tap out or an "I QUIT!", Marty kept the triangle choke applied until the principal passed out.

Then, to add insult to injury, in front of a crowd of students and staff, Marty HUMBLED!!~ the unconscious principal with another innovated wrestling move: the camel clutch. Marty experienced his first erection in this moment as his modestly-sized child peen tore through his cut-off jorts, ripped a hole through the seat of the principal's khaki slacks, and drove deep into the sanctum of Dr. Robotnik's rectum... all as Marty cranked backward so hard on the camel clutch that he broke the principal's spine in half. Word spread around the world about this moment, even the otherwise seemingly close-off nation of Iran -- where it seems the story resonated with a young Hossein Khosrow Ali Vaziri, who'd dedicate his life to emulating the impressive Marty Jannetty. (Many several year later, after becoming known as the Iron Sheik, Vaziri would attribute the determination required to win his Olympic medals to Marty and this moment.)

The panicked principal was instantly saying "UNCLE!" between gasps for air, but unfortunately --due to his broken family and single mom upbringing-- Marty didn't know what an uncle was, nor did he know that the term was sometimes used as a safe word to signal submission. Looking for the tap out or an "I QUIT!", Marty kept the triangle choke applied until the principal passed out.

tears. Oh shit man that got me good.

When do we get to the bowling alley?

Aug 10, 2020 15:44:39 GMT Big Pete said:

The panicked principal was instantly saying "UNCLE!" between gasps for air, but unfortunately --due to his broken family and single mom upbringing-- Marty didn't know what an uncle was, nor did he know that the term was sometimes used as a safe word to signal submission. Looking for the tap out or an "I QUIT!", Marty kept the triangle choke applied until the principal passed out.

tears. Oh shit man that got me good.

When do we get to the bowling alley?

Soon. School first. Then after school jobs. Then murder!

Unfortunately, unlike his victories over the bears, Marty's humbling of his elementary school principal didn't lead to bigger and better things. At least not directly. And certainly not immediately. In fact, the immediate aftermath was poor young Marty losing his scholarship. Without it, his poor single mother couldn't afford to keep sending him to public school. Marty has always been wise beyond his years... so even despite his youth, he got it; there's only so much prostituting a mom can do in 24 hours.

To help make ends meet and foot the bill of their shared Blue Ridge Mountain blue meth habit, Marty sought work as a child laborer. He had brief stints as a gravedigger digging appropriately shallow graves for midgets, a veterinarian's assistant assisting with artificial horse insemination, and a bellhop at the downtown hotel where his mother bedded her most lucrative Johns. But none of these gigs lasted all that long, and none of them truly suited Marty's personality. His soul longed for more.

Then, one day, Marty saw a flyer stapled to a telephone pole that would change his life. It was advertising free weekly magic lessons to boys under sixteen behind the local blowing alley every Wednesday after the blowing club league blowed their final frames for the big. Marty was never the best at reading and has always suffered from dyslexia, so he didn't think twice about the odd blow vs. bowl typos all over the flyer.

Marty showed up for his first free magic lesson, and that's when he first met Trick (short for Patrick, but please call me 'Trick'... unless you'd prefer a 'Pat'! 😉) Fitzpatrick: amateur bowler, professional magician, suspected pedo.

Due to his dyslexia and misreading the 9 as a 6 on the flyer, Marty showed up three hours early for his first lesson. To pass the time and kill his boredom in the meantime, Marty started to rearrange bowling balls in the racks. This caught the eye of the manager, who told Marty to quit it or get out. Never one to be intimidated, young Marty snapped back with a cutting promo. He challenged the manager to an impromptu wrestling match with high stakes: if Marty loses, he'll leave and never come back... BUT, WHEN Marty wins, the manager will have to give him a job for life at the bowling alley. Having nothing better to do, and being well-versed in child abuse from all the beatdowns he's laid on his own kids at home, the manager accepted.

The match took place in one of the empty lanes. Marty made the manager deflate and remove the kiddie gutter bumpers beforehand, lest they look like total pussies. Once the match was underway, it was plain as day yet again that Marty was some ungodly wrestling prodigy.

Always the innovator, Marty tossed the manager up and down the lane with the first-ever sequence of three arm drags in a row followed by an overhead (or "Japanese") arm drag. This spot would later be duplicated in 2001 by Marty's preferred tag partner Al Snow on an episode of Tough Enough, as a special homage by Al to Marty. Marty would continue to focus on the manager's poorly defended arm, and in short order trapped it in a leg-scissors arm bar.

Perhaps resting on his laurels, Marty figured the tap out would be academic at this point. He wasn't counting on the manager's surprising burst of strength. The manager rolled over, hoisted Marty up by his barred arm, and began to beat feet to hit a running powerbomb on Marty through the ball return track. Thankfully, Marty countered at the last second... Spinning out and taking the manager down into a modified Fujiwara armbar.

To his credit, the manager continued to refuse to tap. So Marty had to resort to some desperate measures... And he forced the hand of the manager's barred arm INTO the ball return opening. The high-speed conveyor belt ripped the manager's hand clean off in a spot that would later inspire the inciting events of the movie Kingpin. Succumbing to the shock and gore, the manager finally submitted. He had earned Marty's respect though, and Marty his. It was the start of a beautiful working relationship.

The manager offered Marty a lifelong job as the bowling alley's roving ball buffer, and Marty accepted after negotiating his rate up to $0.50/hr ($12/hr in 2020 dollars) and ensuring cost of trans was covered. Negotiation skills he'd further hone when venturing into the world of pro wrestling.

Anyway, after bowling a cromulent 98 and watching the epic finish to Marty vs. The Manager, Trick Fitzpatrick approached our young hero with a half chub in his trousers and congratulated Marty on his job-securing victory. Trick was glad Marty didn't have to leave the bowling alley forever, as he sensed something truly special in the future Rocker... The potential to be a great magician himself one day, and possibly even more.

TO BE CONTINUED!

You presumptive pervs probably thought this story was headed in a direction where Trick "Unless You Want a Pat" Fitzpatrick was going to end up as some child molester abusing poor young Marty. WRONG! Young Marty was never really Trick's "type" in so far as underage sexual attraction. But we'll get there I guess due time.

Until then...

On Wednesdays after his ball-buffing shifts at the local bowling alley, Marty started taking advantage of the free magic lessons being offered by Trick. Marty took to magic like a fish takes to... whatever a fish takes to even more naturally than water. Marty had *IT* for the performing arts. Just like he had *IT* for the grappling arts. It would still be a few years before he figured out how to crossbreed those *IT*s in a harmonious synergy in the carny realm of pro wrestling, but the seeds were planted in The Alley Behind The Alley.

In fact, Marty should such an immediate knack for being a magician that Trick stopped bothering with lessons altogether and instead formed a partnership with the
wunderkind. In a sense, Trick was Marty's first-ever tag team partner. Together, they started performing magic shows in The Alley Behind The Alley for small audiences. Word spread like an Australian wildfire as they fine-tuned their act over the next few months. By the time Marty should've been graduating from elementary school, it was standing room only in The Alley Behind The Alley whenever Trick & Marty did their thing.

Eventually their growing popularity overfilled The Alley Behind The Alley, so Marty —ever the saavy business mind— pitched the local bowling alley manager on allowing them to perform INSIDE the alley. After negotiating the alley's cut, it was on. Marty set about developing a true brand for the act so that he could go all in on promoting their inside debut.

With Marty taking the increasing lead in each subsequent performance, Marty & Trick ended up settling on "Magic Marty's Magic Party feat. Party Trick's Party Tricks" as the name for their show. Believe it or not, there wasn't a jealous boner in Trick's body. Quite the opposite, as Trick regarded Marty with the utmost awe and pride. The student had surpassed the teacher, which should be every teacher's dream. In turn, Marty regarded Trick with the utmost respect; Trick had become the true father figure Marty had always lacked but forever been wanting. It was symbi-fucking-osis.

Marty plastered Columbus with flyers advertising the INSIDE DEBUT!!~ of Magic Marty's Magic Party feat. Party Trick's Party Trick's at the local bowling alley. Marty even appeared as a guest on local morning radio to hype the event. Tickets were $1 a pop ($100 in 2020 when adjusting for inflation) with free admission for kids under 10. And in the end, thanks to Marty's masterful promoting skillz (skillz that would later be invaluable in paying the billz), the INSIDE DEBUT!!~ of Magic Marty's Magic Party feat. Party Trick's Party Tricks was a SELLOUT!!!

The show went off without a hitch, each subsequent magic trick escalating the stakes and magical ante. In the end, Marty had Trick select a "volunteer" from the audience for their epic grand finale. Dubbed "The Disappearing Act", Marty & Trick's final party trick involved making a man disappear at the local bowling alley. They'd usher the volunteer into an old empty refrigerator cardboard box, toss a table cloth over the box, wave their hands all around for a misdirection, then light the whole deal on fire. After the local bowling alley's fire suppression sprinkles extinguished the fire, it was clear there was no one in the box. The volunteer had disappeared!

Only years later, while under the heavy influence of alcohol and drugs, would Marty regrettably violate the Magician's Code of Integrity by revealing the box had been positioned over a trap door to a crawl space leading out to a nearby riverbank. So the first man Marty ever disappeared at that local bowling alley, as well as every man he disappeared there thereafter, could always be found at the river... If only anyone had ever cared enough to look.

Meanwhile, while Marty had disappeared his first man; Trick disappeared the man's son, who'd been left behind unattended after his dad "voluntarily disappeared" to the riverbank. By the time the volunteer returned to the local bowling alley to reunite with his kid, the show was over and Trick was long gone with his latest dessert... All extracurricular magic unbeknownst to Marty.

TO BE CONTINUED!

I wasn't feeling it on the first Russo swerve, but unlike everybody's favourite New York uncle you gave us a pay-off of a lifetime and then doubled back round and even undid the swerve.

Brilliant, magnificent and we all know this is true because Jannetty passed his skills onto The Undertaker, hence the 1994 Royal Rumble.

This journey into fan fiction has caused the weirdest complications with my Google newsfeed:

THE END
www.mandatory.com/wrestlezone/news/1201504-marty-jannetty-comes-clean-on-murder-confession-says-it-was-a-wrestling-storyline

To be continued...?

Dude, where is my phone?..NYC, they jumped me and took me to the hospital(Jamaica Medical Center) I was in front of JFK airport trying to go home..they jumped me from behind..I locked one of them up((arms stiff waving at heaven) when you in NYC and get jumped from behind, you probably getting robbed...the Dr apologized, said mistaken identity..I liked him, was very nice to me..my boiy Nicholas Masci came back and got me to the airport..but..dude where's my phone??

PS- why Breanna Taylor got all that attention on mistaken identity?? I got NONE..is it because I'm white???

This is definitely the PW Redux version of the classic Ric Flair Fucked Your Mom thread by Bonesaw.