Post by B-52 on Aug 31, 2023 20:52:56 GMT
(WCW Nitro logo created by some random AI art generator with the prompt "WCW Nitro Logo." You get what you pay for.)
I want to play fan fiction on Hard Mode and I have found a, hopefully fun, way to do it: a WCW alternate history. I am not going to start with the Big Bang pay-per-view, rebooking Starrcade 1998 or any of the other more traditional ways, but I have instead chosen a real low point: the Nitro episode of March 27th, 2000.
- Two months earlier, WCW lost Chris Benoit (the night after he won the WCW World Heavyweight Championship, no less!), Eddie Guerrero, Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn. (Chris Jericho was already long gone.)
- Bret Hart was forced into retirement on medical grounds after his match with Bill Goldberg at Starrcade in December 1999.
- Bill Goldberg had nearly lost his forearm after he put his arm through a car window on the Thunder episode of December 23rd, 1999 and he was still out of action.
- The last pay-per-view, Uncensored, featured as its main event Hulk Hogan defeating Ric Flair in the infamous Yappapi Indian Strap Match. (The semi-main event for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship saw Sid Vicious retaining his title against Jeff Jarrett).
- The pay-per-view before Uncensored was SuperBrawl 2000 where Scott Hall had grievously injured himself in the main event. His compatriot Kevin Nash was also out with injuries and was both commissioner and doing a weird amnesia angle.
- In general, the old-timers hogged the spotlight, the exciting youngsters had either quit or were relegated to thirty-second opening matches and didn’t get the chance to grow, the gimmicks were ridiculous, and the outdated storylines went nowhere.
I think that qualifies as Hard Mode.
Why do I pick that specific episode to start?
That was the Nitro where it was announced on air that Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo would return (after Russo had been relieved of his duties earlier that year in January). They would eventually do so two weeks later on April 10th (because Nitro the week after had been cancelled so they had some more time to prepare). We know what happened next: absolute dogshit and the dogshit was on Prozac binge-watching reality television and eating bologna straight from the packet at a tempo reminiscent of Homer Simpson being force-fed donuts in Hell. My starting there simply means that Vince Russo and Eric Bischoff didn’t come back.
Do you remember the first thing Russo did on that Nitro? He vacated all titles. Yeah! Just like so many fan fictions do! I think that’s pretty funny, but it would also be pretty cowardly of me if I did the same thing. No, no, no. This is Hard Mode, remember? I have to do things the hard way.
The Nitro episode of March 27th was the second show after Uncensored. The previous Nitro had already started their new storylines or advanced old ones. I will continue with those. To the public, it has to look like nothing has happened whatsoever. The old writing team was quietly fired and some self-important jackass from Alabama wearing a UAH cap and an Eagles t-shirt came up to Georgia to take over in the shadows. It’s all gumdrops and roses.
Not on the show itself, though. You know what the big angle is going into this? The main event of the previous Nitro was Sid Vicious (the champion) and the immortal tangerine Hulk Hogan taking on Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner. I know what you’re thinking, but I have to disappoint you: it wasn’t as exciting as you think it was. Sid turned on Hogan, Chokeslammed him and then pinned him and forced the referee to count. So there you go. Sid Vicious turns heel and we know what the main event of the next pay-per-view is going to be: Sid Vicious defending his title against Hogan. I want to remind you that the year is 2000. That's 2000 AD.
Did I tell you that I wanted to do Hard Mode?
Well, I don’t anymore. This is a horrible, horrible idea. No one should ever do this. Then again, a faint heart never fucked a pig.
One good thing, though: the next pay-per-view, Spring Stampede, is three weeks later. I only need to be able to ride that ecstatic high of a Sid/Hogan buildup for three Nitros – and then the pay-per-view itself. I don’t know if I will be able to take it; erections that last that long surely are a serious medical problem.
I am going to cheat a little bit: I won’t book Thunder, Worldwide or Saturday Night. Just assume that those are tightly run shows where young talent gets the chance to practice their promos, matches and gimmicks, and veterans in need of a gimmick overhaul can get used to them there. These shows don’t exist to advance any big angles.
Wish me luck, you sadistic bastards.
