I used to hate Beluga Whales. I didn't trust them and their squishy dome piece. They've been seeping into my feed and my opinion might be changing. Seem like bros now. Feel like if a whale was gonna be a wrestling fan I think Beluga is top 3 choice. Dolphins while not a whale are totally Attitude Era only types. You can just see they have that STANK to them. Orcas I think can be defined as "Roddy Piper" era types. You know the deal, by the brand split wrestling became "lame" to them. But you can tell they still respect dis bizness.

So we can either talk about whales or what's in your feed. Police audit videos are making me dislike cops way more than I did a month ago. The logrithims do train you I think.

This thread is right up my alley. Waaaaay more interesting than a 2020s Wrestlemania. And that's even with WALTER being on right now. Anyway, in the Wrestling Video Game thread I called the Northern Right "a midcard whale" and it got me to thinking about whale hierarchy.

I've got big Blue, Sperm, Humpback, and Killer (Orca is their indie name) as your main event whales.
Then I've got Northern Right, Beluga, and Nar as midcard whales. Speaking of the Narwhal, what's up with that name? Why isn't Narwhale? Somebody botched.
Everything else I consider a jobber whale.

I admit there is no rhyme or reason to this whale hierarchy, but that's what I came up with a solid two weeks before @ness started what is bound to be an all timer of a thread.

For real though, like the Fin Whale? That's just a less impressive blue whale. Total jobber. Like when's the last time you saw media on a Fin Whale. Humpbacks are the "big man that can fly" of the whales. Porpoises are the ones who do flippy shit and I think Humpbacks try and copy it. But since they're big they actually get a ton of press because most whales are methodical workers.

Sperm Whale, do they exist in the hierarchy without fictional giant squid battles?

Now Sharks obviously Great White is the Ric Flair, but like mako and bull are the workrate ones. They the ones taking legs and building a body count. Great White is a tweener of course. Mostly only attacks humans out of thinking we're seals. The other ones though are straight HEELS. Barracude IMO is a junior/cruiserweight shark.

Tiger Shark feels like they'd be best suited for a hardcore division. Like if a shark was a wrestling figure, it would come with a trash can as an accessory. I get that vibe from them.

In school I would often draw ocean full of these random whales and sharks.

WALTER/Gunther would be a hammerhead. Like tell me a HH going near a reef and letting the fish know he ain't there to hunt he's there to get groomed via eat my parasites and I'll leave. That's how I always saw GUNTHER.

Narwhale is totally the CORRE, it's a grammar error that they just ran with.

In the 90s we all made paper machete whales for class. Everyone of course did orcas because Free Willy. Course they ain't even whales. And the teacher didn't correct us. Was that known then? Or is orca's classification a "pluto thing" where it's actually very RECENT of a "thing". Looking back I wish I had done a Narwhal just to have something cool. Since we had shaped hangars as the body anyway I always fantasize about stretching out the horn like that. This is a shoot, I'm not working the marks but I promise you it's my top 10 regrets.

5th grade I shoulda done a Narwhal - is something that legit keeps me up at night. I'd be famous right now.

Do you think seals, penguins and walruses are like a bush league fed. We about to slowly talk about bears. Polar Bears are the ace obviously.

@ness that was a beautiful post. One worth framing. And the Sperm Whale is mid at best without the Giant Squid battles. That's the Ocean version of beating Austin & Rock in the same night.

When you were quite correctly putting over the mako & bull sharks, I was like "but where is the Tiger?" And then you drop the Tiger in the Hardcore Division one paragraph later. Perfection.

WALTER as a Hammerhead works for me.

How do we feel about the Nurse Shark? I'm thinking the X Pac of sharks. Hanging out on the carpet, picking up scraps.

The Whale & Basking are interesting sharks. But I should probably get back to Wrestlemania now just in case LA Knight is on

People whose favourite whales are dolphins, are like guys whose favourite girls are the ones with penises... Not judging, but there's a conversation that needs to be had.

Apr 7, 2024 1:57:00 GMT iNCY said:

People whose favourite whales are dolphins, are like guys whose favourite girls are the ones with penises... Not judging, but there's a conversation that needs to be had.

DON'T YOU KINKSHAME ME

Octopus and Squid, is it a gator croc situation? Just a smaller version of one? Is a jellyfish part of that same wrestling family?

Apr 7, 2024 1:58:21 GMT Michinokudriver said:

Apr 7, 2024 1:57:00 GMT iNCY said:

People whose favourite whales are dolphins, are like guys whose favourite girls are the ones with penises... Not judging, but there's a conversation that needs to be had.

DON'T YOU KINKSHAME ME

Kink is bringing a feather into the bedroom
Perversion is bringing the whole chicken.

Apr 7, 2024 1:45:37 GMT @ness said:

Narwhale is totally the CORRE, it's a grammar error that they just ran with.

Sounds about right.

In the 90s we all made paper machete whales for class. Everyone of course did orcas because Free Willy. Course they ain't even whales. And the teacher didn't correct us. Was that known then? Or is orca's classification a "pluto thing" where it's actually very RECENT of a "thing".

I had honestly forgotten all about the whole "killer whales aren't REAL whales" thing. That honestly doesn't bother me much. But Pluto will always be a planet to me, and I straight up refuse to acknowledge this newfangled Tyrannosaurus Chicken. Like I'd go to jail before I'd acknowledge the Tyrannosaurus Chicken.

Looking back I wish I had done a Narwhal just to have something cool. Since we had shaped hangars as the body anyway I always fantasize about stretching out the horn like that. This is a shoot, I'm not working the marks but I promise you it's my top 10 regrets. 5th grade I shoulda done a Narwhal - is something that legit keeps me up at night. I'd be famous right now.

Would have been cool for sure.

My brother had to come up with an old school pagan God for class one time and I helped him come up with Koss: The God of Ice based on Norwegian skating legend Johann Olaf Koss and then we gave him Grey Wolf's staff from Conan The Adventurer and it was right up there with writing my Cousin's Wrestlemania XI paper in the pantheon of Cool School Projects.

Another time I had to come up with a superhero for class and devised Clockman. His power was the ability to stop time. Not terrible. But Brassman whose superpower is being bold would have been so much better. Too bad I didn't come up with that one until 5-10 years ago.

Do you think seals, penguins and walruses are like a bush league fed. We about to slowly talk about bears. Polar Bears are the ace obviously.

Have to admit I was a big mark for the little-known Blue Bear for like 30 years ever since reading it may be the "real" Yeti. But then a few years ago I found out they weren't even blue so now the so-called "Blue" Bear can go kick rocks. Stupid carny ass bear working the marks...

Apr 7, 2024 2:13:08 GMT Baker said:

Apr 7, 2024 1:45:37 GMT @ness said:

Narwhale is totally the CORRE, it's a grammar error that they just ran with.

Sounds about right.

In the 90s we all made paper machete whales for class. Everyone of course did orcas because Free Willy. Course they ain't even whales. And the teacher didn't correct us. Was that known then? Or is orca's classification a "pluto thing" where it's actually very RECENT of a "thing".

I had honestly forgotten all about the whole "killer whales aren't REAL whales" thing. That honestly doesn't bother me much. But Pluto will always be a planet to me, and I straight up refuse to acknowledge this newfangled Tyrannosaurus Chicken. Like I'd go to jail before I'd acknowledge the Tyrannosaurus Chicken.

Looking back I wish I had done a Narwhal just to have something cool. Since we had shaped hangars as the body anyway I always fantasize about stretching out the horn like that. This is a shoot, I'm not working the marks but I promise you it's my top 10 regrets. 5th grade I shoulda done a Narwhal - is something that legit keeps me up at night. I'd be famous right now.

Would have been cool for sure.

My brother had to come up with an old school pagan God for class one time and I helped him come up with Koss: The God of Ice based on Norwegian skating legend Johann Olaf Koss and then we gave him Grey Wolf's staff from Conan The Adventurer and it was right up there with writing my Cousin's Wrestlemania XI paper in the pantheon of Cool School Projects.

Another time I had to come up with a superhero for class and devised Clockman. His power was the ability to stop time. Not terrible. But Brassman whose superpower is being bold would have been so much better. Too bad I didn't come up with that one until 5-10 years ago.

Do you think seals, penguins and walruses are like a bush league fed. We about to slowly talk about bears. Polar Bears are the ace obviously.

Have to admit I was a big mark for the little-known Blue Bear for like 30 years ever since reading it may be the "real" Yeti. But then a few years ago I found out they weren't even blue so now the so-called "Blue" Bear can go kick rocks. Stupid carny ass bear working the marks...

I would totally read brassman, especially if he had a brass cod piece.

Ness totally killed any interest I had in Wrestlemania by making this thread.

There are many differences between Octopus & Squid but I don't feel like going into them all right now.

I once read a fiction book or saw a fictional show theorizing squid & octopus were alien species who came to Earth in the long ago for reasons I forget, and I was just like "Yep. That checks out."

Another time in the early 2000s I saw one of those "What will happen when humanity dies out?" shows on the History Channel(?) theorizing the Final Boss of Earth will be a LandSquid. aka: Squidephant. Ngl I've eyed squids with suspicion ever since, lest they make us their slaves ahead of schedule.

The Octopus was the biggest draw at the Baltimore Aquarium until they started running the Dolphin show. That drew in the punters, more or less rendering the octopus down to humble midcard status. Which reminds me....

Dolphins were the mark's choice. I don't think this is still the case, but dolphins got the mega push back in the 80s & 90s. Felt like you couldn't go 5 minutes without hearing about how dolphins were just the ginchiest.

The Jellyfish....also likely to be an alien species!

The fall of sea world and the revelation that dolphins were basically the ocean's fuck boi's no doubt killed the brand. They're like Chris Brown in that way.

Jellyfish are so wild and definitely an alien species. Just look at 'em! I get mesmerised whenever I see them at an aquarium. So many different colours, the way the little dome membrane thing inverts and un-inverts itself, the fact they barely have any substance but are still visible, the fact that they are just a bundle of nerves and a mouth. The wildest creatures.

In a similar sense, stingrays are amazing to watch, the magic carpets of the ocean with a malicious hidden mouth.

The fact that you can't trap an octopus as evidence by the video footage of them unscrewing the cap of a jar they're in should honestly be a national security issue.

Beluga whales have had a children’s song about them since the 80s. What other whale has that?

Orca whales are awesome, that is all.

Just wanna say fuck barnacles.