From just wanting to jump off a bridge?

Fear of the unknown. There's been some instances the past few years where I'm just like, what are we doing? Like why are we prolonging this movie? But it always comes back to that.

May 27, 2024 23:01:10 GMT KING KID said:

From just wanting to jump off a bridge?

The thought has never crossed my mind.

Nor mine.

Are you doing okay?

Fear of heights, and fear of drowning.

May 27, 2024 23:01:10 GMT KING KID said:

From just wanting to jump off a bridge?

In my life there have been times where I have thought it would be better if I wasn't here. I tempered that thought with the knowledge that it was selfish and I could make the world better for having me in it, if I was willing to work to make that the case.

I never fantasized about ending it, my faith is too strong. So only the idea of not having to be here seemed comforting at that time.

These days those thoughts are a memory from the past.
I have come to realise that the operating system of most of the world is total crap.
Making happiness a goal makes no sense, it's like chasing smoke or the end of the rainbow.

People use love and happiness as excuses for the worst type of behaviour "I deserve to be happy" "I just didn't love them any more"

It is far better to choose to do what is right and good... Right here... Right now... And to be happy doing it, now that is the life worth living.

And love? That's not a feeling, it's not what ever soppy bullshit Hollywood serves up. Love is a decision, a declaration, that you are going to care and that you are going to be there. Feeling rise and fall, decisions don't. Love is what you do.



If you ever need to chat mate, I'm here.
Same for all of you.

I used to want to die every day. For no reason other than my mind had convinced me that everyone around me would be better off if I wasn't here and hadn't existed, which is ridiculous. But those are the lies my depression told me and I believed. It's what kept me stuck in that cycle for years.

Honestly, I truly believe my daughter is what saved me. I couldn't imagine doing that to her. To my mom and friends. I have a friend whose mother and father both committed suicide and seeing how it affected her throughout her life, I could never do that to my daughter.

Now, I've come to realize how precious life is. It's not perfect. I'm not perfect, but now I want to LIVE and am actually sad that eventually this life will end. A crazy 360 to be sure.

Hope you are ok. Please reach out any time. <3

Because every day is a chance for life to get better.

I've never been in that headspace but I think about a panel from the comic Midnight Nation a lot.

if it doesn't load:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}
Police officer David Grey tells his guide of the lowest moment of his life. His wife had left him, he believed things would never get any better, he pulled out his gun and held it to his head...

...when his friend called and asked him to go to the Dodgers game. Sure, I'll go to the game and have a hot dog -- today. Just today.

No promises. The gun is always there.

Then one day he was watching a movie; some stupid comedy, and found himself laughing. He's having a good day.

He never thought he would. But here he is, out in the world, living life and laughing.

If you can power through, there's always at least one more happy day ahead of you. Always.

I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep. I’m tired of brick after brick after brick being thrown at me and me having to be the strong one.

Yall remember when my wife got sick two years ago. Had to deal with that hell for 3 months straight and then the after effects. To be honest I never mentally recovered.

Then things I did not share. A year after that my kid got Alopecia and lost all his hair on his head, including his eyebrows. Luckily after 9 months, his hair has grown back on his head about 90%. His eyebrows went last so they still got a way to go. I had to watch my kid go bald and go to Kindergarten like that with parents looking at us like we got a sick kid. Thank God my kid was strong and wasn’t picked on and thought it was just a bad haircut.

So then finally my wife gets pregnant again a few months ago and put that in with my kids hair growing back and everything looks like it’s getting better finally but then boom miscarriage.

I know I was a POS in my teens and early 20s but I had to be to survive growing up where I grew up.

But yeah. Basically I’m just fucking tired. I’m tired of being sad.

I'm very sorry for all you have gone and are going through. Truly.

From what you've told us during COVID, dealing with your wife's mental illness and everything above, it sounds like you have been living in survival mode for years and you are just burnt-out. One step forward, two steps back, rinse and repeat. I'm not going to placate you with a bunch of platitudes, except to say by coming here and laying out your issues to us, strangers -but friends who are here to listen, you are already doing something positive for yourself. Living in Survival Mode can impact your life physically & mentally. Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Try not to lean on unhealthy coping mechanisms that will only make things worse and celebrate the small wins. I speak from experience.

Wishing you the best buddy.

May 29, 2024 16:36:04 GMT iron maiden said:

I'm very sorry for all you have gone and are going through. Truly.

From what you've told us during COVID, dealing with your wife's mental illness and everything above, it sounds like you have been living in survival mode for years and you are just burnt-out. One step forward, two steps back, rinse and repeat. I'm not going to placate you with a bunch of platitudes, except to say by coming here and laying out your issues to us, strangers -but friends who are here to listen, you are already doing something positive for yourself. Living in Survival Mode can impact your life physically & mentally. Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Try not to lean on unhealthy coping mechanisms that will only make things worse and celebrate the small wins. I speak from experience.

Wishing you the best buddy.

That’s the thing too. 

I’m at my unhealthiest I have ever been. Heaviest I’ve ever been. Even heavier then when I started keto. I started eating more when my wife got pregnant bc she did and then we had the miscarriage and I’ve just been eating even worse. 

I quit smoking marijuana and got right back to it once the miscarriage happened because I can not go to sleep without being stuck in my head. 

Witnessing my wife in psychosis, then witnessing my son lose all of his hair, then a miscarriage, it’s just non fucking stop. 

Crazily enough, our finances are great and that’s all I used to worry/think about in my 20s. To be financially stable to a point where I don’t even look at price tags. I got that but at what cost? Made me realize that the old cliche “money doesn’t buy happiness” thing is true. It’s so fucking true. 

Money does not erase pain. Neither does weed and food but at least it puts me to sleep. 

Also just to be clear; my wife and kid don’t know what I’m going through mentally. I don’t show them. I don’t tell them. I just needed to unleash so I came to where I always come to unleash. PW. 

Firstly, I just want to extend my condolences to you, your wife and your son. That's an awful thing to go through and nobody let alone yourself deserves to go through that.

I think you've been carrying this load for a long time, so I'm happy you've found an outlet to express yourself. As always don't be afraid to talk about this with your mates. Or maybe even just catch up and hang out, sometimes these bad feelings can just be loneliness so being able to connect with somebody else can go a long way.

I think it's good that you've identified issues that you have. In life certain things are out of your control, so when it comes to things like health, being proactive and getting yourself right can go a long way to fixing your morale. The thing is, you've got to be inspired to fix things. You've got to realise the stuff your eating is just making your life worse and you need to give your body the proper nutrients to be the best it can be. My pro tip is drink plenty of water, especially with your meals. So often people misinterpret dehydration as hunger. Also if you diet properly, you should be eating as much if not more food - typically people eat a lot of junk calories.

The thing is, it's your life and while you have responsibilities, you have to find the balance so that you can be of sound mind. Go on that holiday, make a trip to Arrowhead, pick up an instrument, go that concert/festival - just find that one thing you're looking forward to and work towards it.

Remember you've always got us and in spite of all the shenanigans we want you and your family to live rich fulfilling lives.