So another serious thread, but I hope it is interesting.
Funny thing happened to me on my way to the Psychiatrist...

When I did my assessment for ADHD they asked me about Insomnia and Anxiety, I answered yes to the former and no to the latter.
I had moments in my life dominated by anxiety, some really bad things happened and I suffered about a month of panic attacks, not good.
But this was not my normal state so I said no to the anxiety question...

Then I started the ADHD medication.
About a week later my wife sent me this video as a kind of joke, kind of pointing something out in a kind way, (as good wives do)




Before I had seen this video being on the medication had already shown me how toxic my own operating system was.
I suspect that the lovely iron maiden and the I am sure equally lovely wife of Foos would recognise, that there is something very toxic and wrong in the way we achieve what we achieve.
Gen Xers grew up in a time when there was no accommodations for being different, you sunk or you swum.

As a result, we came up with the most terrible ways to motivate ourselves: Anxiety, Shame, Feelings of worthlessness.
I think I have spent my whole life weaponising my nervous system against myself just to get things done... 
You want to over achieve? Just live every moment with the constant threat of being found out as fraud or a failure and you have work being done like nobody has seen before.
The good thing is I made my way in the world... The bad though? So much trauma.

I am sure many of those around my age with depression and anxiety are probably suppressing the real cause, which is likely ADHD or ASD or some other thing they are working their arse off to counter.
So I just keep learning and working on being a better person and trying to rid myself of the toxic stuff.


So I guess if we have to put a question out there, it would be are you motivated by positive things or negative things?
Are you driven by the joy of achieving or the fear of failing?

My mother is certainly motivated by anxiety in some cases. In her mind, the worst case scenario is always going to occur and we must prepare for it. One example: a routine drive normally takes 10 minutes. One day she takes that drive and there's a big accident, traffic is diverted, and it takes 30 minutes. She will assume that is the default and leave 30+ minutes early, and expect everyone else to do so.

While I haven't inherited that specific piece of anxiety wiring, I did (and perhaps still do) feel that "golden child" syndrome, where I must achieve great things, I must always be productive, or I have no value. The peak of this being the final months of my PhD. Several months of working 12 hour days, non-stop thesis writing, all in the name of that sweet doctorate. The pattern continued months, years after my PhD was over, my brain wanted to be productive all the time and I would shame myself for relaxing. To an extent I still do but that inner voice is quite weak, I know it's irrational and I can shut it down easily most of the time. However I feel that I have swung too much in the opposite direction, that I avoid or half-ass a lot of "productive" tasks through some negative feeling I don't fully understand.

On the topic of politeness, I have been called "too polite" on several occasions, all of which involve a strong refusal to interrupt people talking, even if the news I am bringing one of these people is urgent. I suppose that's similar to the airplane anxiety in that I go out of my way not to upset anyone. Again, that's mostly a thing of the past. I am still somewhat sensitive in this regard but I am much less of a people pleaser than I used to be.

It has certainly shifted back and forth over the years for different reasons.

There was a period of time where I was working relentlessly because I had this fear that I was being left behind - the reality was, I wasn't. I went to work with the mindset, despite not having the " career " that friends of mine had, I could out earn them significantly, as my earning potential was higher if I both performed well in and advanced. Which I did.

The by-product of that eventually turned things aground and that financial stability made me more confident and in turn a better performer again. Having a little bit of the Mark Manson mindset by that stage helped too.

Covid was tough on retailers and it really kicked the shit out of a lot of us for a while, as a structured way of operating was thrown out the door.

Long, story short. I had a similar conversation with myself, much like this thread touches on, I realised a lot of my motivations were fear based as opposed to the opposite, the positives that come from having a healthy income. I was drunk on the Kool Aid, no worse.. I was a drug addict, I was putting up with a tremendous amount of mistreatment ( we all were ) but I loved the hit I was getting when the pay came in.

I hated being sick all the time, and with likely a fair amount of anxiety beginning to creep in, I had headaches constantly, trouble sleeping and my body ached. I was forever tired. I then made a decision to shift down a gear, I make less money, but I have more time for the important things in life.

That video might as well be me doing that stand up routine cause that's me to a Tee. I always just considered myself 'thoughtful' or 'considerate'. I try to do what infringes on others the least. I figured it was from growing up with Alcoholics and always walking on eggshells and not wanting to rock the boat or get the crap beat out of me. My friends call me the 'planner' because I need to have every eventuality planned so it makes for the least amount of chaos, but that's exactly what is causes in my mind. I could give a million examples. It's why I prefer planned tours on vacays. It's why my biggest pet peeve is being 'inconsiderate of others', 'poor pre planning' or any form of that because it causes my anxiety to flare up. For instance people who drive in the passing lane. That to me is being inconsiderate of others, what if I need to pass someone and there you are. It might cause an accident. GET THE FUCK OVER! A group of people stopping in the middle of the walkway and no one can get past them. Move over to the side! Or like the video pointed out, someone taking forever to disembark off a plane. Why aren't you ready?

The worst part is my kid is just like me only worse and I think it's my fault.

Work wise I think I am motivated by being the best. I eat up every word of praise thrown my way, but I'll kill myself to get it. Sometimes I self sabotage myself though and I can't figure out why since I want everyone to think me the best.