Well,
sandylea ,
iron maiden , it has taken a long time, but I think we finally have a thread where I am the resident expect on a subject.
Stress and Anxiety is something I have worked hard to overcome in my life.
I also believe that while some people are probably more predisposed to anxiety and stress than other people, the actual act of stress and anxiety are learnt behaviours.
It is only when I begun to accept that I had control that I was able to make positive changes in my life.
While I still am prone to stress, I recognise the warning signs and I don't "feed the monster"
There are so many books and videos that I have consumed over the years that have led to my newer and constantly improving operating system.
Step 1 - Circles of InfluenceThe first one is told so many times, but it is something that I believe in, I first encountered it in Steven Covey's 7-Habits of Highly Effective people.
It concerns the three circles:
If you were to draw this up on the wall, then get a whole stack of post it notes and on each one write down a concern.
What you would be encouraged to do is stick those post-it notes in one of the three areas:
1. Things I can control
2. Things I can't control, but I can influence
3. Things I can't control or influence
When I went through the exercise, (I actually did it) what I discovered is that the largest number of concerns I had and the ones that gave me the most worry were those I couldn't control.
It reminded me of the "Serenity Prayer"
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am not talking about something ideological but practical.
If it was a cold winters day and you had the heaters on, you wouldn't leave the front door open.
This is what worry about what you cannot control is.
When I talk to people about this, there is often a moralistic aspect that it is somehow righteous to worry and to stop worrying would be to not care.
What I see it as instead, is directing your energy towards the areas where you can make the biggest difference.
That brings us to the next Step:
Step 2 - The Gap and the NarrativeI fell apart during Covid, work pressures, situations all piled on top of me and I literally broke.
What I couldn't seem to escape was that there were too many circumstances outside of my control.
I stumbled onto an incredible book that changed my life more than any other:
It is a study of Stoicism and there were many great points, but this is the thing that lasted with me the most:
It is purely that things happen, they are not happening "to us"
The Universe hasn't singled us out for unusual punishment, but it is so strange how our minds turn against us.
We see isolated events and we form a narrative around them and use it to say we are stupid or unpopular or incompetent.
There is only the thing that happened.
Most interpersonal relationship issues follow from this:
"X happened"
" A smart person wouldn't do X"
Then we either get to the point that we condemn ourselves as not smart or we are driven to blame other people to preserve our self worth.
What I learnt, was to not put things in a box... "That outcome wasn't ideal" how can I avoid a similar outcome in the future.
You can truly separate the feeling from the response and choose to not tie emotions to what happens.
Nothing in itself is good or bad, it just is... Then there is how we feel about it.
Step 3 - What is my job
This is the hardest one and something that I am still working on, there are many books which echo the same sentiments, but it all seems to come back to a psychologist named Adler.
I don't want to back over everything he said, but just a few key points.
The work of Freud is well known, explaining the way people are by the trauma and how they have been treated in their lives and I don't want to minimise this because it is objectively true.
Adler takes it in another direction, that everyone is as they are now because they prefer it to being something else.
It doesn't pretend that someone might like what or who they are now, but that the current affliction is preferable to the discomfort that lies between here and the other side.
For example, a stress response I believe in my case was often tied to my need to please other people, the idea that someone could be unhappy with me was traumatic.
I used this to push myself and control the outcomes...
What I came to the realisation of much later is that I was using stress and other peoples opinions to define my self worth.
If I succeeded or failed and could point to that as the reason why I wasn't like or approved of.
It is unpleasant the idea that someone could disapprove of us... But really my problem was that I didn't approve of myself, so by seeking to externalize my self worth, I could in a way make an excuse for myself.
This isn't some stupid "You have to love yourself thing"
Only that like the last point, I have to accept myself and who I am now, I can set about changing that if I wish, but by improving or letting myself go my right to exist doesn't change.
If I want to be better, it should be because I want to be the best version of myself.
That is the hardest part, to not engage in vertical relationships, if we approve or disapprove of someone we are seeing ourselves as above them.
If we need someones approval or resent their criticism it is always because we see them as either above or below us.
Other peoples opinions of me is their business.
My right to exist doesn't hinge on the approval of others, and theirs doesn't on me.
It is all very easy to say, but it took a long time to put into practice because it is a discipline.
The way I started with it was to talk myself off the ledge:
Will this matter in 10 years?
Will it matter in 5?
In 2?
In 1?
Then does it really matter.
