How much value do you find in making friends/maintaining friendships as an adult?

In my opinion friendship is extremely important at all stages of life. I have preserved many of my friendships from university, and made a few good friends in my adult years. I talk to them a lot less than I used to, mainly due to people moving away, people raising families, but I put the effort in (as long as they do as well) and I find it rewarding.

Making new friends as an adult isn't easy, but it's about putting yourself out there. Sure, you won't make friends with the majority of the people you meet, and that's fine. Finding a person with true friendship chemistry is not easy. But it's possible.

I don't know if I really have any friends except for my wife. My best mate we can go 6 months without talking.
I have a lot of people I talk too, but most people our Venn diagrams of personality and interests have very small overlap.

So I tend to have a wide circle of people and I talk to different ones about different things depending on where their interests are.
I would like to have more friends, but I get bored very easily and I'm okay on my own... So I'm not really willing to be boored for the sake of not being alone.
It would be good to make more friends, but I'm not sure where to go to make friends where there would be a high crossover of interests.

I have two best friends. We don’t live in the same states (one in the Midwest, one in Florida, I’m in Seattle), but we text probably every day. And it’s two separate chats, not a group chat.

But … I have no friends here. Part of that is because I’ve lived in six states in nine years. No time to build friendships.

As a dad, I also find myself to be “too busy” or even too fried mentally to even go “make friends.”

I wish I did have something, though. Because I do feel lonely having zero friends here. No one to go grab a beer with, or even play golf with.

I think I've mentioned this more than once here before, but I'm so dissatisfied with my friends. This was pre-pandemic too. If I don't reach out, if I don't initiate, my friends would just let me be. I need to be the one to always reach out and check on them and suggest a get together. There's probably 5-6 friends that I'm always connecting with and organizing birthday get togethers. And of course my birthday came and went without a peep from anyone. Just makes me sad. So my choices are to always initiate and feel like crap that my friends don't ever reach out, or isolate.

Since leaving the boards, Pi and I have spoken more than ever. He definitely knows stuff about me and my family thaty friends don't. I appreciate him.

Mrs Foos went to Cuba with her friend (who lives in a different city) in 2023, and then went to Vegas with two other friends this past April. She has encouraged me to go on a trip with a friend or friends and my answer has been - with who? And to do what? My last trip with friends was in 2015, 8 of us drove to Kansas City to go to an NFL game and eat our weight in BBQ (and yeah, of course I planned the whole thing).

I've made one really good friend through my son. His best friend's dad. We chat regularly, he's always looking for reasons to get together for the boys (and us). His youngest son is the same age as Foos II (and they're also in Montessori together) So we'll have double the reasons to get together. We bought season tickets for our city's basketball team to bring our sons to (only 20 game seasons) so that was awesome this past summer. We'll renew and do it again.

Like others have touched upon its so difficult to make friends as an adult, and especially as a dad. As long as you make your family a priority, there's almost no time to create and maintain new friendships.

Human relationships are transactional ... there really isn't anything that's not transactional. An individual has friends as long as he pays his bills on time; if not, he is making withdrawals from the bank of goodwill, which is not notorious for its resources.

My perspective is that relationships of the ilk we like are illusions. We should do what we can to keep those illusions alive. If we do, and some last a lifetime, then we have lived a good life.

Maintenance is important. One of my best friends I text everyday, who is about my age; the other is ten years older, has kid, and is a pharmacy manager in another state. We talk less, but we usually talk a few hours on the phone when we are catching up ... there is a lot of sending dumb memes on Instagram, which is actually a fairly good way to maintain contact between those larger conversations.

Sept 1, 2024 3:02:48 GMT Foos said:

And of course my birthday came and went without a peep from anyone.

This is actually a big deal to me lol. I mail gifts to the two friends mentioned above for special occasions (especially Christmas), and a birthday text is the minimum. A small circle should be a tight one ...

Being an only child, my friends are the family I have chosen for myself. I am so lucky to have people I call friends all over, online and in RL and have have had most of my friends for many, many years. And while I am very blessed to have the friends I do, I feel I have cultivated and put work into building and (somewhat) maintaining those relationships, so I can understand how frustrating it is when it seems all dependent on you. I seem to be the social hub of my local friend group, but it can get exhausting being the glue that holds everyone together especially when there are different points of view (especially political) and when friends within that group fall out with one another. I'm terrible at mailing (which many of you know) and when I am stressed or there's too much drama, I tend to just lay low or avoid it all together. I have lots of good intentions and eventually they come to fruition. but sometimes it takes me a few years. I just went to friends' of mine's cabin one weekend this summer after him asking me for about 12 years. So if I haven't gotten to you yet, don't despair, I'll get there at some point...maybe.

Sept 1, 2024 17:25:33 GMT Foos said:

Like others have touched upon its so difficult to make friends as an adult, and especially as a dad. As long as you make your family a priority, there's almost no time to create and maintain new friendships.

I see this a lot with men. Especially, after they get married and have kids. I'm not sure why that is? I'm part of a FB online group called Edmonton Girls Ask and I can't count the number of times recently a woman (usually ages 20-35) will say she has no friends or doesn't know where to find friends. I don't know why that is either. I don't know if other women expect one to kind of 'lead' and take the reigns or what but as that person in my friend group I understand that is a role not everyone wants to fulfill ALL THE TIME.

I find the friendships I have made essential to my life. I'm not all that interested in making 'new' friends anymore, but if someone puts in the time and attention it will be reciprocated. 

I adore my friends and I try everything to make sure we hang out/talk etc. a few others will make an effort to plan as well but I will admit it they don’t reach out as much as I do.

I do get pretty hurt if friends become distant or dramatically change. I understand everyone grows in a way, but when someone you considered a best friend for over a decade suddenly treats you like shit and becomes uninterested in being friends it sucks.

Most of my friends who I hang out with regularly I’ve known for at least 17 years, and so I’m pretty attached.

The other friends I’ve made, I really care about and put a lot of effort into communicating, and I get upset more than I’d like over friendships I’ve lost over the years. I’ve been wanting to make new friends to try and get over losing friends but I just don’t know how to make friends anymore

Sept 2, 2024 13:03:53 GMT Foos said:

If I don't reach out, if I don't initiate, my friends would just let me be. I need to be the one to always reach out and check on them and suggest a get together.

I share this feeling. Almost all of my friends never initiate - if I didn't greet them periodically, we would never talk. As I get older I tend to let these friendships go. If they don't care, why should I? I believe that most people are in that sense "social followers" - and it does make me think how most people stay in touch if they never initiate. The answer is probably that they don't. As sting said, maintenance is important.

On the other hand, friendships built over years of dedication are surprisingly resilient. I have several friends whom I can go without talking for six months or longer and reconnect as if nothing had ever happened.

Very similar to everyone else, but we're all men of a particular age so it's no surprises really.

We've probably covered this topic, 2 or 3 times before in the last few years, so I won't go over too much old ground.

I find I can go almost anywhere and run into someone I know and have a 30 minute conversation with someone I know pretty easily. It's not uncommon. Most of these people I consider " buddies " as in, that's my buddy from high school or from this or that or whatever. I have a handful of people I'd consider my real friends but it's limited to texting or messaging. And I don't get upset by that, we're all busy and we all work and we all have families and children and all of that is good.

I have one mate, I make little effort with these days. He's perhaps my oldest friend from high school and it's always been the case that he makes little to no effort. It was like that then, and when we were in our early 20s it was endearing almost.. it was almost a joke within our circle how disinterested he was despite his willingness to tag along. And then as time went on, there's were some incredible milestones and some not so great moments in all our lives... and we never hear a whisper from him, not that I'd expect a parade every time one of us does something, but some acknowledgement or gesture would be nice. We organised a dinner one night - it was some of the old crew getting back together, and up until a few minutes before we met up we had all assumed he was coming, as he actually indicated he was on his way. He never showed, nor really acknowledged he no showed and then no-sold the entire thing afterwards. A shrug of the shoulders via text, and then moved on with his life and that's when I realised... maybe, we just need to move on with our lives too.

System also had a thread on " growing up " a while ago, and a big part of this disconnect is perhaps we've all grown up and largely put away childish things, and he's still very much living as if he was still 20 - albeit, a mature 20, but still 20. It sort of became obvious later on, that we're not on the same wave length anymore.

I know alot of people of varying personalities and interests and usually the thing we have in common is we're all within 10 to 15 years of age of each other and can talk to our experiences and stories.. but, old mate.. he'd rather be paying Pokemon, and that's difficult.

The point is, sometimes you gotta move on.

Sept 1, 2024 3:02:48 GMT Foos said:

I think I've mentioned this more than once here before, but I'm so dissatisfied with my friends. This was pre-pandemic too. If I don't reach out, if I don't initiate, my friends would just let me be. I need to be the one to always reach out and check on them and suggest a get together. There's probably 5-6 friends that I'm always connecting with and organizing birthday get togethers. And of course my birthday came and went without a peep from anyone. Just makes me sad. So my choices are to always initiate and feel like crap that my friends don't ever reach out, or isolate.

Since leaving the boards, Pi and I have spoken more than ever. He definitely knows stuff about me and my family thaty friends don't. I appreciate him.

Mrs Foos went to Cuba with her friend (who lives in a different city) in 2023, and then went to Vegas with two other friends this past April. She has encouraged me to go on a trip with a friend or friends and my answer has been - with who? And to do what? My last trip with friends was in 2015, 8 of us drove to Kansas City to go to an NFL game and eat our weight in BBQ (and yeah, of course I planned the whole thing).

I've made one really good friend through my son. His best friend's dad. We chat regularly, he's always looking for reasons to get together for the boys (and us). His youngest son is the same age as Foos II (and they're also in Montessori together) So we'll have double the reasons to get together. We bought season tickets for our city's basketball team to bring our sons to (only 20 game seasons) so that was awesome this past summer. We'll renew and do it again.

Like others have touched upon its so difficult to make friends as an adult, and especially as a dad. As long as you make your family a priority, there's almost no time to create and maintain new friendships.

Anytime you want to eat your weight in KC barbecue though, I’m only a few hours away!

I have one pretty good friend. He and I worked together at a job then he helped me get on where I am now after he had gone there. He moved to a new job so for awhile we worked out weekly tennis and/or racquetball games. I’ve been much busier with my newest gig so we haven’t played in a few months, but I know I need to pick back up on it.

I know I'm an asshole and whatever... I honestly don't mean to be. I do want to say that I care about every one of you and genuinely want nothing but the very best for you in your lives

I test as an ENTP and I have ADHD so relationships are difficult for me and I tend to alienate people. I do though, genuinely like you people and am very happy I have got to know you all on some level.

Sept 1, 2024 3:02:48 GMT Foos said:

with who? And to do what?

Sounds like it's time for a PW trip to Vegas!

I have several buddies/acquaintances. Seems like I know everyone according to my partner. But I'd say I have very few real friends.

My best friend/closest thing I had to a brother suffered an accident and isn't really himself anymore, as I've mentioned before. The rest of my close friends live 30+ miles away and majority have families now, while I'm childless and mostly committed to hermitage.

I dust off the cobwebs and remind everyone I'm alive every couple months, then retreat back to my hut. Been a weird couple weeks though as a lot of people have reached out to me (seemingly all at once) wanting to touch base again, which is nice.

Sept 12, 2024 9:04:30 GMT rad said:

I have several buddies/acquaintances. Seems like I know everyone according to my partner. But I'd say I have very few real friends.

Couldn’t relate more if I tried.

Between going to high school/working and wrestling in this local area, I seemingly also know everyone according to sandylea or they at least know me. Countless times I’ve been walking somewhere and someone yells out my name and I have no idea who they are.

One night I was walking about 1am to meet co-workers at the pub, see two guys walking toward me and I just say hello to be friendly/sus them out that they are friendly.

“It’s FERGUS FERGUSON! What’s going on man?!”

But other than co-workers who I’d probably never see if they left, whenever I want to hang out or do something no one really seems keen. I work Fri-Tue night so a bit hard for 9-5 workers but I try to accomodate as much as I can.

Used to be close with my siblings but they all have children of their own now and it’s been a noticeable disconnect since I don’t have kids.

Sept 13, 2024 0:48:51 GMT System said:

Sept 12, 2024 9:04:30 GMT rad said:

I have several buddies/acquaintances. Seems like I know everyone according to my partner. But I'd say I have very few real friends.

Couldn’t relate more if I tried.

Between going to high school/working and wrestling in this local area, I seemingly also know everyone according to sandylea or they at least know me. Countless times I’ve been walking somewhere and someone yells out my name and I have no idea who they are.

One night I was walking about 1am to meet co-workers at the pub, see two guys walking toward me and I just say hello to be friendly/sus them out that they are friendly.

“It’s FERGUS FERGUSON! What’s going on man?!”

But other than co-workers who I’d probably never see if they left, whenever I want to hang out or do something no one really seems keen. I work Fri-Tue night so a bit hard for 9-5 workers but I try to accomodate as much as I can.

Used to be close with my siblings but they all have children of their own now and it’s been a noticeable disconnect since I don’t have kids.

100%, damn I know how this feels. I have no siblings myself outside of a half-sister I didn't meet until 10 years ago. We're actually hanging out again soon.

I think being red haired helps, too. It's a lot harder for us to blend in lol

Sept 13, 2024 0:48:51 GMT System said:

Used to be close with my siblings but they all have children of their own now and it’s been a noticeable disconnect since I don’t have kids.

My advice is, get involved.

I have uncles who would have had thousands of opportunities over the decades to be part of our lives and have chosen not to, despite my father's and grandfather's best efforts. I have no relationship with them at all.

Parenting isn't easy. And it can be incredibly difficult maintaining relationships when all of your time and energy is spent on providing and caring for children. Their priorities have changed, don't hate them for that.

Turning up as the cool uncle once in a while is easy and I'd guarantee your siblings would love you for it.

Don't grow old and lonely.

Sept 13, 2024 6:49:53 GMT NATH45 said:

Sept 13, 2024 0:48:51 GMT System said:

Used to be close with my siblings but they all have children of their own now and it’s been a noticeable disconnect since I don’t have kids.

My advice is, get involved.

I have uncles who would have had thousands of opportunities over the decades to be part of our lives and have chosen not to, despite my father's and grandfather's best efforts. I have no relationship with them at all.

Parenting isn't easy. And it can be incredibly difficult maintaining relationships when all of your time and energy is spent on providing and caring for children. Their priorities have changed, don't hate them for that.

Turning up as the cool uncle once in a while is easy and I'd guarantee your siblings would love you for it.

Don't grow old and lonely.

It’s me making the effort and not getting anything in return, not the other way around.

Sept 3, 2024 1:53:43 GMT iNCY said:

I know I'm an asshole and whatever... I honestly don't mean to be. I do want to say that I care about every one of you and genuinely want nothing but the very best for you in your lives

I test as an ENTP and I have ADHD so relationships are difficult for me and I tend to alienate people. I do though, genuinely like you people and am very happy I have got to know you all on some level.

You have the capacity for it, but I don't think you are. You're just very direct, logic-driven and sometimes overly anecdotal (who isn't though?). None of which are bad things, they just have the propensity to rub people the wrong way (like past me). But you are unapologetically you and I admire that.

You were also among the first to reach out to me at a very, very low point in my life and I'll forever be grateful for it. Moments like that are great reminders that people are nuanced and I shouldn't be so quick to judge an avatar by it's transformer.

Nowadays I have but one of three internal reactions to an iNCY post:

1.) "Oh, never thought about it like that before..."
2.) "I disagree, but whatever..."
3.) "This fuckin' guy..." *laughs his ass off regardless*

Sept 13, 2024 7:56:32 GMT System said:

Sept 13, 2024 6:49:53 GMT NATH45 said:

My advice is, get involved.

I have uncles who would have had thousands of opportunities over the decades to be part of our lives and have chosen not to, despite my father's and grandfather's best efforts. I have no relationship with them at all.

Parenting isn't easy. And it can be incredibly difficult maintaining relationships when all of your time and energy is spent on providing and caring for children. Their priorities have changed, don't hate them for that.

Turning up as the cool uncle once in a while is easy and I'd guarantee your siblings would love you for it.

Don't grow old and lonely.

It’s me making the effort and not getting anything in return, not the other way around.

Some Old Man Nate wisdom, not every relationship is ever going to be 50/50.

Sometimes, given the circumstances you may be the 75% to their 25% - certainly having kids, makes it difficult for parents to prioritise hanging out like it's still the good old days, well, the good parents that is.

A lot of first time parents will tell you about the feeling of abandonment after having kids. Especially mothers.

And sometimes you just have to accept, you're not the main character in some people's lives and it's simply your job to be a glorified extra, albeit an important one and expect little in return.

But, yes, you're right. Sometimes if you're the 100% to their zero ( fucks given )... respectfully and politely move on. But just consider, it may not always be personal.

Sept 13, 2024 6:49:53 GMT NATH45 said:

Sept 13, 2024 0:48:51 GMT System said:

Used to be close with my siblings but they all have children of their own now and it’s been a noticeable disconnect since I don’t have kids.

My advice is, get involved.

I have uncles who would have had thousands of opportunities over the decades to be part of our lives and have chosen not to, despite my father's and grandfather's best efforts. I have no relationship with them at all.

Parenting isn't easy. And it can be incredibly difficult maintaining relationships when all of your time and energy is spent on providing and caring for children. Their priorities have changed, don't hate them for that.

Turning up as the cool uncle once in a while is easy and I'd guarantee your siblings would love you for it.

Don't grow old and lonely.

System and I constantly make heaps of efforts to see them, Fergus messages them constantly and each time we are ignored, they are busy and aren’t opening to rescheduling. They also never invite us anywhere, but always make plans with each other. I’ve been upset over it our entire relationship that they’ve never included me in the family. At some point it’s not worth trying anymore because it just hurts.

Sept 13, 2024 8:20:54 GMT rad said:

Sept 3, 2024 1:53:43 GMT iNCY said:

I know I'm an asshole and whatever... I honestly don't mean to be. I do want to say that I care about every one of you and genuinely want nothing but the very best for you in your lives

I test as an ENTP and I have ADHD so relationships are difficult for me and I tend to alienate people. I do though, genuinely like you people and am very happy I have got to know you all on some level.

You have the capacity for it, but I don't think you are. You're just very direct, logic-driven and sometimes overly anecdotal (who isn't though?). None of which are bad things, they just have the propensity to rub people the wrong way (like past me). But you are unapologetically you and I admire that.

You were also among the first to reach out to me at a very, very low point in my life and I'll forever be grateful for it. Moments like that are great reminders that people are nuanced and I shouldn't be so quick to judge an avatar by it's transformer.

Nowadays I have but one of three internal reactions to an iNCY post:

1.) "Oh, never thought about it like that before..."
2.) "I disagree, but whatever..."
3.) "This fuckin' guy..." *laughs his ass off regardless*

Thank you, it is nice to feel understood.

Where I alienate a lot of people is that it seems people experience trauma when other people don't agree with them, as if disagreeing was somehow devaluing them as a person.

I don't expect everyone to agree with me, I am actually happier when someone disagrees with me for a good reason than when someone agrees with me for a stupid one.

I'm a Conservative/Libertarian Free Market Capitalist on an economic front, but a staunch defender of Social welfare and Equality, while also being a Christian.

Being a Christian I have strong views on what someone "claiming" the title of Christian should represent, but I don't have any idea why people think non-christians should conform to or be measured by Christian standards.

People are entitled to their own views and opinions not their own facts, seems that most people can't tell the difference.

I am getting better and better at live and let live the older I get.

Making friends is the worst. I haven't managed in over 20 years.

Recently I went to my first parents group meeting, so I was psyching myself up all day to push myself to talk to someone new. I want to make a friend to talk about dad stuff with because none of the guys I keep in touch with from high school have become parents yet. At the end of it my wife was like "do you want to talk to anyone before we go?" and I just noped out. :lol:

Didn't even know you had kids, congratulations.

I've none, and it sucks, but I've accepted that's life.

And interesting study that was posted:

www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/09/loneliness-epidemic-friendship-shortage/679689/?taid=66e7daf9c846530001aa4d26&utm_campaign=the-atlantic&utm_content=true-anthem&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter

I assume the paradox is it is easier than ever to talk to communicate and talk to people but people are choosing not to? I feel the number of people who say they have no friends is low based on what I am hearing in this thread and other online communities I'm a part of.

Sept 15, 2024 23:32:21 GMT rad said:

Nowadays I have but one of three internal reactions to an iNCY post:

1.) "Oh, never thought about it like that before..."
2.) "I disagree, but whatever..."
3.) "This fuckin' guy..." *laughs his ass off regardless*

This is pretty spot on :lol:

Sept 16, 2024 5:21:14 GMT @admin said:

Making friends is the worst. I haven't managed in over 20 years.

Recently I went to my first parents group meeting, so I was psyching myself up all day to push myself to talk to someone new. I want to make a friend to talk about dad stuff with because none of the guys I keep in touch with from high school have become parents yet. At the end of it my wife was like "do you want to talk to anyone before we go?" and I just noped out. :lol:

Congratulations!

Sept 16, 2024 5:21:14 GMT @admin said:

Making friends is the worst. I haven't managed in over 20 years.

Recently I went to my first parents group meeting, so I was psyching myself up all day to push myself to talk to someone new. I want to make a friend to talk about dad stuff with because none of the guys I keep in touch with from high school have become parents yet. At the end of it my wife was like "do you want to talk to anyone before we go?" and I just noped out. :lol:

Congrats on the lowest-key announcement of all time, for what it's worth I think you will be a great Dad.

When I went to the ante natal class I was 10 years older than everyone else, my wife and I both noped out of that scene.


All my circle are the other way, I have a 10yo and a 6yo and there's are 21