Jun 2, 2020 21:26:16 GMT Emperor said:

May 28, 2020 20:59:48 GMT @ness said:

My plan was to just pile in my savings for another 2 years (basically come this summer) and get my own place. A few weeks in and I was already done with it. I seriously have no idea how people do it. Started at the new office in July and already had my own apartment (first time moving out) by September, where I'm writing from as we speak.

I've read this paragraph over and over and I don't understand the bolded bit.

You have no idea how people do something that it took you only three months to do?

I can't tell how meta this joke is

Never mind. I think I missed something

I also need to not only remember to read

but also to focus

Words As Weapons

(So this tale will deal with ideas like depression and mass shootings. Rather than splitting it up as it gets to a

certain length I'm just going in start to finish detailing the events of my one month off from work. Sink or swim time.)

When I first made regular at the post office I had been doing the custodian thing for a little over a year. I do not deny that I had it easy compared to carrier subs or even non-maintenance PSEs. I wasn't doing 10/hr days 6x a week like a lot of them do. The worst thing I can say was having management troll by the time clock to try and get us to stay for overtime. Hated how they did this because you know once you're mentally prepared to go home you're done. It would've been fine had they asked for volunteers at the start or even mid-way through the day, but not when we had one foot out the door. I always had a hard time saying no to it too, which is probably why they targeted me. And the worst part is it wasn't even to do anything, but just to fill hours.

My point is I wasn't really feeling burnt out yet. But towards the end of my MM run I definitely was. I had been doing the same thing over and over for around the same time. Morning meeting, head to computer and check my assignments (very rarely any surprises here) and then bust them out before lunch and then just hiding until it was time to clock out. Despite craving the "easy life" growing up it does get old and weighs on you. Different animal if you make friends at work and can bond over the bullshit. A lot of crap was stressing me out: plant closing down, dreading going to Oklahoma and just burnt out on the job in general. But then I got the green light to head to my new station.

I had been employed about 3 years now and my current path was changing things up every year and a half. So fast forward to a year and half and I was feeling very restless again. The job was fine, so no issues here. When I was at the plant after becoming a regular I NEVER worked overtime. No staying over, no extra day, 5 days 40 hours that's it. I had a friend who was still a custodian when I was an MM and he picked my brain about making the transition. And he was all about working extra, even doing side-lawn work with his family. He wanted that money, but me... I was not stressing it. Living at home and so the extra money of working overtime had no value to me. But that changed when I transferred back to custodian. I started as M-F, but it slowly crept to Saturdays too. I've taken the past few off, but 90% of the time I've been here (July 2018) have had me working 6 days not including vacation time.

I say that to stress that I was very much going through the motions with the job. I felt like I lived there because I was there so much. My only "off" day is Sunday and that is my grocery/cleaning day to boot. And then repeat. So work was making me a zombie. I started thinking about my life and where it was headed. Not that I ever wanted kids or a family, but it dawned that nothing regarding my personal/social life was likely going to change over the next 30-40 years. I was just going to be living to work, doing the same things in the same way. For the longest time I enjoyed that, but for the first time I started to dread life. My apartment used to be my sanctuary away from the world, but now it was resembling a prison.

My only time away from it was at work, so when I'd clock out and headed back opening the gates was like prison bars opening up to let me back into my cage. Regarding suicide I am very much in favor of people having the right to end their lives if they so choose. Not saying it's okay to do it at the drop of a hat or anything. Seek help, see if you can battle your way out... but if you opt to stop the movie I do not fault you one bit. It's sad and tragic (especially if young) but I would understand and can wrap my mind around any person doing it. I wasn't going to kill myself, but I did start to give the idea behind it some real thought. Just vague thoughts like in basic training. For instance falling off my balcony, but being a third floor unit it probably would not kill me so much as just hurt really fucking bad.

I don't think my work performance was being affected as I was still showing up right on time as normal, no call offs and everything was being done. Likely a dark cloud was hovering over me, but I doubt anyone noticed. Only real difference is I was likely making morbid out-of-context comments when spoken too. There was a older carrier who is always super friendly and a bit of a Jesus freak. She always seemed happy and upbeat and positive so one day I randomly asked her about that. I guess she must've taken that as a green light that I wanted to get to know "THE LORD" and began speaking about it. Slowly but surely she was going out of her way to find me and discuss these things. Wanted me to go to church with her and all that. I gave in a bit and went for a little while with her and some members of her family. She started referring to me as her son. She has a habit of "adopting" younger kids at work, so later on when she moved to a "new toy" I liked to point out I've been replaced.

So she brought me into the fold and pointed out that maybe I was feeling this way because after moving out of my parent's house I likely no longer had a support network. Despite everything I never felt comfortable truly opening up to them. Even with that added layer into my life nothing really changed. I could not relate to what she was telling me since I felt utterly and completely alone. No matter how open minded someone is you can never really let another person in. Not really. But one thing's for sure is talking with my "work mom" did change things a little bit in how I acted when I was working.

And then it happened on my birthday no less. See my "work mom" has a habit of discovering everyone's birthday and that day she'll embarrass you and start singing. I figured she had forgotten mine, but found me when I was talking to someone and did the unthinkable. Since I'm not usually stationary and no one will hear from all the way back in my "office" I didn't think she'd get a chance, but she did and it happened. Later on in the day I had forgotten and went back to my sour mood and someone approached me to ask me how I was feeling and then I blurted it out - "Feels like one of those days... starts out with a hearty breakfast and ends with the local news anchor stating 'before turning the gun on himself'. And sadly I didn't eat before I headed out for the day so I won't have the strength to reload."

Thought nothing of it. Forgot about it literally minutes later. The next day around noon I was doing my thing when a guy and a lady approached me and asked me if I was who I am and I said yes. They wanted to talk to me in my office and shut the door. Turns out they were a team of postal inspectors. Hindsight I probably should have requested a union rep, but much like when being pulled over by a cop it's hard to take that "never tell them a thing!" to heart when you're on the spot like that. And given the circumstances it may not have applied. They received a report that I had threatened to shoot everyone. At first I thought it was a random passerby, but I speak with such a whisper on a normal day that was unlikely. Had to have been the person I was talking to, so I guess after saying what I thought was hilarious they must've made a tip.

Like a deer in headlights I didn't hide anything and let them know what was up. I made a joke reference and given my appearance/demeanor they probably saw a profile with me and took it as less of a joke and a statement of fact so reported it. They left it at that and told me I needed to be careful with saying things like that. I assumed that was the end of it, warning at best. They must've talked to the postmaster because as I came in from doing lawn work I was told to go see him. My heart sank because I knew it couldn't have been any other reason he wanted to see me. He sat me down and closed the door and began speaking to me in the "Owen Voice" and I knew it was over for me.

Just a little side note, I have been known to poke fun at the idea of mass shooters and even myself. I've been told a few times in my life that I'm the type of person who would do it. I'm a quiet, loner type of dude. Like I said, I fit a profile. Instead of being offended and freaking out when people make comments, I just roll with it. One of my classics is talking about "going postal". Not so much doing it, but how before they were all the rage everyone used to refer to it as going postal. Just further proof us postal employees get no respect! One of the things the postmaster wanted to talk to me about was how it used to happen within the USPS. Obviously I didn't make that joke then...

I don't know if the inspectors filed a report or what was going on, but I think they left it up to him and he kept stressing he couldn't let it go. I basically just knew it was over for me, fired. This was a Wednesday and he was gonna send me home "early", but after our lengthy chat it was time to go anyways. He wanted me to come back around 1 on Friday to talk again. I was kinda putting 2 and 2 together with this. Friday is the end of the pay period and it would be the end of the day too, so I assumed I would be coming back just to sign something that said I resigned and it was being done that way to avoid any issues as employers like to fire you at the end of the day.

I asked him if I was being let go or if I should start looking for another job. He kept stressing a decision has not been made and that he has to take it up the chain. I assumed it was just fluff and he didn't want to outright say it for fear that it was true and I'd show up the next day to do what was being reported. I hung outside near the exit because I wanted to speak to the person I made the comment to. They took forever to come out (I saw them finishing for the day as I was done with the postmaster so figured I could speak to them soon) because apparently the postmaster was also interviewing them. I asked them if they said anything, denied it naturally and we chatted for a bit. They had a more positive outlook on what would be going down. I told them I'm probably fired, but they seem to think deep down the postmaster was worried about me. Didn't buy it, but whatever I got about two days to mull it over.

I called "work mom" to let her know what was happening. Mostly I didn't want her worrying. Once she found out she went into mama bear mode and while we talked daily she kept telling me how much she was going into the postmaster's office and talking me up. I tried talking her out of it as I felt it was only going to make things worse. Rumors began to fly, which meant either she was talking about it too openly or the news was being spread by my not-so-anonymous coworker. Had to be because I was only "gone" a day or two. Why would you assume it was anything but random vacation days? My attendance is really good, but not so amazing where me not being at work and you assume the worst.

Friday meeting happened and while notes were taken and the union rep was there (though he didn't guide me or do anything than act as a witness, dues well spent!) and just went with the honesty policy. I didn't feel I did anything wrong and figured the decision was already made so fuck it. He put me on admin leave for the foreseeable future and I let him know I'll do what I need to get everything squared away. He kept in contact with me every few days and a week later I got a call that said I needed a letter from a psych showing I wasn't a danger to myself or others and to fax it to HR and then a decision will be made.

Should stress that I was still being paid for these days off. I assumed they were coming out of my stored annual/sick leave, but to this day they never deducted from my pool so I don't know if that was normal or not. In all honesty even if I went the whole month without pay I would have been fine with it. Price to pay, and I have savings/credit in the meantime. Started calling around to offices and mental health clinics looking to get this done. Most don't even offer the service and the ones that may, only do so if you're a patient. And to become a patient one office said it would take 6 weeks to be seen. I'm not too familiar with the mental health services of the country, but that sounds pretty shitty. What if I need help now? Not even talking the financials either.

Finally found a clinic, but the doc would not write me up a letter just like that. He wanted to see me multiple times and each appointment was done on a Monday afternoon. It was hilarious setting it up as he asked me when I'm free. Well, this whole experiment is to get my job back so it's not like I'm super busy. First appointment (only time I was charged oddly enough) was to get to know me and each one a little more deeper into my brain. Took tests and after I think 4 appointments he was ready to write up a letter. The results were pretty standard Ness fare as it was nothing new to me: hates self, low self esteem, no confidence, etc. In fact, even on the aggression/violence scale I was reported as below the average so I was less likely to lash out in general.

On the last meeting he told me it would have more "weight" if he could contact my parents and add their statements, but if not he'll send it in a week. I opted not to inform my parents of anything ongoing. I didn't want to worry them and figured if the letter isn't good enough on it's own, so be it. Work Mom called me daily and she wanted me back badly. I was still going to church with her and spending time with their family and to show that I was still in good spirits I even thought of a new mass shooting joke in my time away. How many do you have? Too many and obviously I'll never use it at work because reasons. When it comes to making jokes I just throw shit against the wall and see what sticks. Lots of one-liners. I'm kinda like an AR15 that way. Most of them miss, but the ones that hit... kill.

By time we got the point of seeing the doctor I was a lot less stressed out about work. I saw that it was mostly out of my hands at that point, so might as well take it easy. I wasn't stressing it and just had to understand that if I had to find another job, it is what it is. I figured even if I got "fired", the union might be able to help. Not my local rep, but maybe national. I heard a lot of second hand rumors from my work mom. People were coming up to her for info, although none of them ever reached out to me so that tells you something. But I could see who the good ones were. Not that the ones who didn't ask about me are evil, vile creatures or anything but if I ever came into the mega millions I know who I would help and who gets nothing.

Work wise nothing was really getting done. They didn't bring in a replacement or even a temp from outside. They did hire a PSE for clerk work that I guess emptied trash sometimes, but other than my work mom cleaning the restrooms once (her decision) no custodian work was really being done during my absence. The break was really nice. In total it lasted 4 weeks, so I had a free month off. I got a call the day or two after the doc was supposed to fax the letter over and I could come back.

The incident may have been the best thing to happen to me in all honesty. I was rolling my eyes in general at the job, thinking low of myself for having such a shitty position. After almost losing it I had a new appreciation for it and what I had. My place was no longer a physical prison, but once again turned into my sanctuary away from the world. I now understood that I could no longer be creative and try and use Ness responses to small talk. The boring replies everyone gives every day are the only correct answers.

I find the policy regarding violence that I supposedly violated a bit hypocritical and sort of made my assumption regarding my comment true in the end. There's supposedly a zero tolerance policy with regards to threatening physical harm, which includes no joking about suicide and yet people do it every day. I have literally never gotten on a ladder without one of two people telling me not to jump. Nothing is ever done to them. When asked how they are people use the same tired "I'm here" or "Living the Dream" which is just white person speak for "I'm miserable and want to die" - again no reports to the postal inspectors because of that. I just think it's bullshit and shows that people do have a certain image of me in their minds. Why else would the postmaster be so quick to suspend me? My work mom put it best when she told them that no one would have batted an eye had anyone else made the comment, but me it's different. I'm held to a different standard and suggesting I'm not is a lie at worst, naiive at best. But maybe I'm comparing apples to oranges.

I feel like my work mom had a lot to do with me still having a job. I don't know how another postmaster would've handled the situation. It's not a regular occurrence so I can't judge. I lost faith in the union since the rep didn't really do anything to help me. The Friday meeting was the first he knew about it. And his only answer was to file a grievance, but if I'm fired what good will it do? He was supposed to call me the Monday after the meeting, but never did. After coming back he even asked me if anything happened, punishment wise. There is something on my record. We can access our file online and when I returned I signed something that is kinda weird. It acknowledges everything and mentions I will be suspended for 14 days once a decision has been made.

Did my month off count as time served because that notice is dated from October and it's been 8 months and no word on further suspension. Did they change their minds? Did my admin leave count as the suspension? It's kinda vague. The downside is having that on my record may interfere with future transfers unless it becomes very old, so years from now. Then again the only office I'd consider transferring to is my own city, which sadly only has a population of 5k so they don't even have a custodian. I do wonder if making an office transfer every year and a half is the right way to go to battle burnout and boredom. Even if it's the same shit, at least it's a new environment and staff. But custodian jobs aren't that plentiful vacancy wise so it's not really an option.

After coming back a few people welcomed me back. Not everyone, which is fine given the circumstances. Things mostly went back to the way things were. I stopped going to church with work mom a few months after coming back. I wasn't feeling like shit anymore and I think a lot of it had to do with loneliness and having all that free time from not working the whole time. And being an agnostic leaning atheist probably doesn't help either. The time off was amazing. I was quite comfortable doing it, that's for sure. If I could secure that paycheck and not go back, yep I'd take it in a heartbeat. I don't plan to move up and overexert myself career wise anyways so it was the best I could ever hope for. No idea why people are against being paid to sleep in and go to Popeyes as their big daily activities, but some are just different. So that's the story. Next entry will be about discussing Corona-chan and it's affect on the post office.

NO ONE IS READY FOR CORONA-CHAN

Like pretty much every part of the country the Post Office was not prepared for Corona-Chan. Everything you really need to combat it on the supply side is obviously worth it's weight in gold. These days it's been creeping it's way back onto shelves. But at the height it was slim pickings and that's about around when the USPS decided it was time to take it seriously, so it was a fun time to be had by all. Getting supplies from management is always like pulling teeth. And that's without shortages getting in the way, so you can imagine it was a nightmare during this pandemic. I can only speak for my office obviously, but I regularly troll the postal subreddit just to see what's going on. It seems most offices have supervisors that just didn't care or take it seriously. Some would go as far as to say not only are masks not necessary, but you shouldn't wear them as it might scare the customers. Maybe they should be.

At first nothing was really done differently. And then things slowly started to change. Every week or two I'd get a new update on what they expect. Clean and sanitize everything. I used a lot of the "red juice" from the restroom supplies. No idea if it was good enough to battle Corona as it was merely "germicidal", but honestly I feel like just making an effort was all I could do. Most coworkers of mine didn't take it too seriously. Masks were not mandatory and so most didn't wear them and joked that if one of us gets it, we all get it. Yeah, so let's not take any precautions at all. Why lock the doors? If someone wants in they'll just kick their way in.

So I was given this checklist of things they wanted sanitized and at first I did it it every few hours. Went through a lot of cleaner and rags. And how did my coworkers respond? Thanks for working hard? No, bitching about the smell. See my postmaster started making regular trips to pick up supplies. Basically whatever he could get his hands on and so I'm sitting on numerous jugs of Pinesol and Mr. Clean. I used to water it down a bit, but have so much stockpiled that I'm going with 100% concentrate just trying to get rid of it. Maybe that's not a good idea as sometimes I gag at the fumes. But like Listernine's slogan goes... you can handle it germs can't.

So like I said supplies are an issue. When everyone on the planet is searching for soap, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, etc., you have to accept getting it in is going to be an issue. Even before Corona-chan getting gloves was an issue. So much so that I've been supplying my own since like the first month in. There's around 20-30 routes, so combine that with around 10 clerks and various members of management there's at least 40-50 workers in the office. So let's say each person only use ONE PAIR of gloves each day... that's at least a box of 100. We're open 6 days a week and so at minimum we'd go through 6 a week. And that's assuming no one uses more than one pair. So once i saw how long it takes for them to come in and that's if I remember to add them to my weekly "pretty please" lists, I made the decision to just buy my own to not be at the mercy of the supply chain. I probably use a box on my own each week.

This became an issue with Corona-chan because I used to just buy 10 packs of 100 off Amazon and then reorder when I got down to a few boxes. Amazon was either out or reserved that stuff for essentials. Aren't I? So I ebayed it. And like usual we ran out of gloves and people kept crying to me. I let them know I put them in via request every week. I let them know I buy my own just to avoid this. I usually get a lecture from one of the clerks about how I shouldn't have to do that and that management is required to provide us with supplies. Okay. How's that working out for ya? I even tried to tell them they should be proactive and if they don't wanna do it like me, buy a handful of boxes in reserve during these down periods when none come in. But they're cheap and don't wanna spend money on work supplies. Fair enough, but don't cry to me then.

And again people start looking to me like my room is a warehouse. I had a few cans of wipes that I stored on my restroom cart. Had two at the start and the whiny window clerk person asked for one of them when she saw me wiping surfaces. I had another and let her have it. Figured she's dealing with customers so she could use it more than me. It didn't last long and she asked if I had any more (the other was stolen at this point LOL) and I had to explain to her that we're dealing with a fucking pandemic. Since then I've stockpiled them for myself at home, but I'm not gonna bring them into work just to get them taken from me. Doesn't serve me any purpose if I don't have them.

Once upper management realized this was a real deal they started doing stuff, too little too late perhaps. We had signage about masks/6 feet/etc., sneeze guards installed and then I got "help". So they started rotating 3 of the more junior RCAs to help me sanitize. Just whenever they had an off day and they didn't need them to fill routes. Ya know, basically I'd be the last to know and they'd ask me what to do randomly. UGH! I didn't really need help, but whatever do what you need and hey get them hours. The problem here is management is still obsessed with waxing the floors, only not enough where they give me time and resources to do it. And I was kinda hoping they'd ya know... wait until this global crisis is dealt with. Who cares about the floors if we're all getting sick? Though if everyone was forced into the hospital it would be a good time to do it. If I had wax, which like all supplies I don't really.

So they saw I had "help" and thought then I'd have plenty of time to do the floors. Okay, does having extra help prevent trucks from showing up? Does the mail disappear and everyone is not here so I can wax? No, because of course not. There's a reason it's done when no one is here. They even wanted me to clean the inside of the vehicles. Mostly just stuck to wiping down the steering wheels and the dash. But doing that for 40 LLVs got so old. Eventually I started doing one row today, the next the following. Then I just stopped completely. I stopped doing sanitizing every other hour to just once a day. I stopped giving a fuck honestly.

 
This pandemic has really hurt us though. You'd think the opposite because everyone stuck at home and ordering like crazy to get supplies would help us, right? We make the most money off of "junk mail" and with all the business closed and such there was a lot less of that to go around. We were losing a decent amount of money without that. Post office is simply not equipped to be delivering only parcels. I understand the logic behind us having deals with Amazon, UPS, etc. because if we're going to every address what does it matter if we get more packages since we're going there anyway? More packages means more time is spent at each address and that eats up time. And without the profitable junk mail it probably costs us money.

And honestly it always bugs me with the talk of essential workers and "heroes" that the post office didn't really get much love. I get it, doctors and first responders should be the first in the thank you circle jerk. But then I see delivery drivers and even UPS/FedEx getting more love. I'm just lowly custodian scum, but I'm working just as much as before and I'd like some love. I do get jealous of mail men who get to post kid letters on their cases. Where's my thank you goddamit?!? Sometimes old ladies will thank me for spraying the windows if I get bored and do it later in the day, but other than I gotta fend for myself as far as compliments go.

So yeah for 2-3 months I was doing a ton of cleaning and stressing over getting the super flu. They started making masks mandatory about a month ago, but then stopped. Of course right after I ordered a bunch off ebay too. Things are getting back to normal. No cases at my office, at least that anyone knows about. Thankful I had a job during this mess, but won't lie and say I wouldn't have at least liked to have sampled some of that quarantine time off. Guess I had it already with my month off. Next chapter I'll discuss the financial woes of the USPS and my future here (if one) in the final post office storytime entry.

Getting caught up...

Easy Street, not easy streak. EasyRider to confirm as resident expert on all things "easy".

Wrenching is one of the ultimate sources of pride. Totally get that feeling.

Aren't waxed floors super slippy anyway? Wouldn't it be a safety hazard ultimately if you COULD wax the floors properly?

Luke Harper never sat on a bench. Couch only for his ass planting!

Overtime is such an odd thing. Time and a half or even double time pay does sound nice, at least in theory. But what is our "free time" really worth? I'll give you 8 at a certain rate. But over that? A 1.5x-2x multiplier honestly is probably at least 10x shy of what I'd really demand for more of my life.

I get that zombie drone feeling. Large driver behind my unshakable dread. That's what PW is here for. Some sort of outlet.

I agree people should have the right to end their own lives, ideally with good medical assistance if so desired. We don't get any say in the matter when we're brought into existence. The least we can get as far as a consolation prize is the ability to control our outro if we so choose. Also, the third floor balcony dive MIGHT'VE worked if it was a head-first swan dive. Just sayin'...

Jesus freak carrier lady is exactly what I presume the average Ohioian boomer is like.

Sounds to me like coworkers just don't get @ness humor like PW gets @ness humor. Everyone's so fucking touchy these days.

Man, this is so proxy aggravating to read. No one can take a joke. I feel bad on your behalf, Nessy. Although... I guess because of the "going postal" cliché, it makes sense for USPS to be more touchy than most organizations.

I'm still confused though, as I thought it was impossible for USPS or the gov't in general to fire anyone for any reason. But I'll read on...

Also, should've doubled down on the joke and reminded your coworker how snitches get stitches.

That hunt for mental health help sounds like bullshit too. I guess for all the lip service the well-to-doers in our country spout, it's all just that — lip service. Let the crazies be and go crazy, so long as it doesn't interfere with the efficiency of our consumerism.

Damn, hardcore bully shrink just burying @ness 2002 HHH-style. And stringing you along most probably just as a CYA measure for himself.

Glad you got back on the proverbial bicycle of mass shooting jokes. No topic should be sacred, IMO. Often times humor is how humans can best process complex fucked-up shit. So censoring comedy for the sake of political correctness... Boy oh boy, makes my blood boil!

Hey, a it is what it is sighting!

Glad your Luke Harper run was paid. Such a dope situation. And glad it helped ultimately lend a refreshed perspective. Sounds like you learned how to be a good complacent cog in the Matrix. Good boy, S/N# 10003748. We'll update the notes in your source code.

YES! Living the dream is absolutely white speak for kill me now.

Too bad you're not a minority or disabled, you could've had such an epic lawsuit on your hands probably. Close enough to winning the lottery!

But to your point... All unions are fucking pointless. Movies and TV have had us foolishly believing otherwise forever.

I do like the idea of rotating stations as often as possible to battle burnout.

Man, how awesome would it have been if you'd been Milton'd on paid admin leave? Like, they forgot about you, never notified you to come back but also never pursued firing you. So you'd just keep collecting those Luke Harper paychecks in perpetuity. I'd have been even more jealous than I kinda already am.

8=====D

What is red juice!?

I love whenever the fuck-its take over and you go 100% concentrate. My favorite is pouring out an entire bottle of $40 Round Up concentrate on particularly nasty stubborn weeds. Fuckers!

Too little too late is the eternal slogan of government.

Your management's obsession with waxing the floors is just becoming absurdly hilarious now.

How plugged into USPS financials are you, @ness? Sounds like a fascinating rabbit hole to explore in future installments of Storytime.

I love you, @ness. You and all your custodial brethren and cisterns. As well as the hapless USPS drones... Even IF the UPS/FedEx/Amazon/DoorDash/GrubHub/etc. gang is doing the delivery service better. Janitors are some legit unsung heroes. During pandemic and during normal times too. Doing the literal shit work no one else wants to do.

🤯

Waxing is pointless IMO. I assume it's just a bragging point bosses want on their resume before they move onto better gigs. Either that or higher ups just keep reminding them to do it. I assume it's something to make the floors look better as the years have gone on it wears down and looks bad. Could also be an asbestos issue. Perhaps the only thing keeping it at bay is constantly putting new layers of this garbage on top. But of course I don't know how to do that because they don't show me, so I'm just painting it on with a mop as best I can when given the chance. Sadly I can't do the main aisleways because duh. Seems dumb to want shiny spotless floors when you have all this heavy equipment and skids (I typed squids which might explain the black) constantly back and forth. I'm sure in a few years when we get a new post master it'll start all over while whatever progress I did has faded away.

"So... when's the last time you waxed these floors?"

The past check I have noticed a slight dip in my check. Working 2 extra days only nets me 350-400, which really isn't much when I'm giving full days. But that's the post office for ya. It's always short staffed (partial turnover and partial by design I'm sure). To put it into perspective we've lost 5 clerks to quitting/retirement since I came on board and they've only hired 3. And since one of the clerks is in the reserves (1 weekend a month/2 weeks a year) he isn't here that often. So basically unless you really have tenure you're gonna be working a lot. Like family time? Post office ain't for you.

It pretty much is impossible to be let go, but I think in this instance it's the rare case where they can justify trying to do things quickly. Like I could see them straight out firing someone for this. Would the union do it's thing? Likely, but I'm not sure how much leeway they have to work with. For instance one of our clerks (again we always hardly have any) has basically been calling off the whole year. They've been mailing her stuff to do discipline steps and she's allegedly ignored all of them. So I can see her being fired soon, but then I could see her being brought back via the union. I think only theft really gets you fired and only after you've been doing it a long time.

It's amazing how messed up our healthcare system is. The powers that be probably see mental health like they see dental... a necessary evil, but somehow it's a separate thing and not even part of the conversation. See I thought the idea behind multiple shrink appointments was to string me along for more money, but I only ever paid for the initial consult. I even made sure to check with the desk on my final one, thinking I had racked up a cool 1k in fees.

I always have that fantasy about about getting a settlement. Nothing outrageous, but 2-3 million would be enough to Luke Harper for the end of times. Maybe transfer to the plant and sacrifice my foot when the forklift driver comes by...

Unions to me are like pepper spray on dog walks. If something really attacks you it's mostly useless and a waste of time, but it makes us feel safe and secure when everything is good.

I honestly check for open reassignments every month when they're posted. I really only see a new custodian spot pop up once a year or so. Outside of the floor and this incident I'm mostly happy there, especially since I've reorganized everything and have a nice routine going. I figure postmasters are likely going to change hands every few years so just weather the storm if you got a bad one. My local office isn't an option, but if any other ones pop up in the same driving distance maybe just put in for it and see what happens.

Ya know I wonder if that's what the call-out clerk is hoping for. Just keep doing it every 3 days and hope nothing ever happens. At the very least we can call out a bunch of times and not really get in trouble since there's such an awful precedence set.

When they installed a new system they had certain liquid stuff for custodian supplies. Red pump makes the bathroom spray stuff. They have a green one for everything else. I don't know if it's any better than the stuff off the shelf in stores.

There is something very satisfying about spending time on pulling a weed out. Some of the ones I ignore become very large and it's a battle to the finish.

Financial wise obviously I can only go by rumors and what I've seen just at a local office level. The retiring post master told us we were running out of money. I assume we have a giant vault and they can no longer Scrooge McDuck it. Dunno if it's really empty and do they force us to work for free or does it literally just stop without government assistance?

And this reply is like a whole storytime post!

Only 25 More to Go

The post office is a unique beast. From what I understand (and get a quick Google would give me the details) it's been independent from the government since the 70s, so despite what boomers think it accepts zero tax dollars. It operates on this massive scale with "living wage" salaries based solely on stamps and products. It's pretty amazing when you think about it. I say that because unlike private companies like UPS they lose money on a regular basis providing a service to every American. They are expected to run as a business, but the country treats them as if they're a universal service.

The USPS is in trouble. Corona-chan's affect on businesses really hurt them, but there are other reasons. The big one as you've probably heard about was something that was passed in 2006 that forced the post office to prefund retiree health benefits up to 75 years in the future. Why? I dunno and no other institution has such a handicap over it's head. Rumors are the government has wanted to sell it off and make it private for decades. Who knows how things will change if that were to happen, but I can tell you rural (read: generally Republicans) will suffer the most and likely be left behind.

The post office delivers to every address regardless of whether it makes money. UPS does not, so they dump those packages on us under something called the Last Mile Delivery. I assume they pay us (likely pittance) to finish the job after they have already accepted their premium payment. We do it because we go there anyway, so on paper it seems like a win-win... except the added stress costs us more in labor and other reasons as well. Same with Amazon. Only now they have used their knowledge of the deal to try their hands at their own delivery service. If they could completely eliminate us from the equation they would, but they can't because shit wages and they hire anyone. Nobody is happy with Amazon drivers, but what can ya do?

The government expects us to act as a business, but won't let us function as one. We can't raise rates at our leisure because we're a service, but also refuses to assist us in this time of need. Which is it? If we're a business then let us sink or swim. If you expect us to function regardless as some claim it says in the constitution, than you need to do your part too. The post office is in debt and some have their theories and regardless of if they are up to date on the bullshit "retiree" debt, eliminating that would help them out tremendously, right?

There are other ways they could make money too. Some have argued postal banking to assist low income areas, but that only creates more issues. Low income likely means more crime and the added aspect of money seems like a bad idea. Especially because they probably wouldn't increase staffing such as security. But there are other aspects where the post office wastes money. For instance recently they installed these flat screens behind the window counter. They flash postal ads regarding products. WASTE OF TIME. As soon as you enter the building you are bombarded with "blue eagle" stuff: passports, informed delivery, rent a PO box, etc. By time you hit the counter you are numb and desensitized to it. But what if instead they advertised local businesses there? Charge them a fee for the right. Instead of talking about certified receipts, you advertised Jimmy Fuckface's Donut Shop? His business sees new foot traffic and another revenue stream has opened up!

The post office may be running out of cash and I'm not sure what happens if it does. They've asked for congress help, but that's mostly going nowhere. The deadline keeps changing, but it can't be a can that can forever be kicked down the road. Fact of the matter is poll after poll shows the post office is the most beloved part of government to the american people and above all else... it's a badly needed service. What if it goes belly up? So what then... does UPS, FedEx and Amazon pick up the slack? Those are private for profit businesses. If it doesn't serve their bottom line they won't do it. To even get to those rural residences prices will have to come up by a lot. US Mail works as a volume business, which is why you can mail a letter for a few nickles. Under UPS you will be paying out the ass to force it, if it even happens. Remember in this scenario there is no "last mile" for them to dump on someone else.

A lot of services you only ever think about when it's time. Dealing with ending a tenancy with a landlord? Where's that final check/deduction going to? And if you're disputing it and need a certified return receipt requested letter to prove you did the right thing, who will send that? Yes, FedEx could still ship it out... but it will cost a lot more. There's a push for mail-in ballots right now... private mail boxes during a move? Yes, UPS Stores also offer them but you know what they don't offer... forwarding. Once you stop paying... FUCK YOU! Court summons, jury duty, new ID cards... lots of little things get mailed out on a regular basis. So what happens if no private company can justify taking on that aspect without the post office? Again, you're just fucked.

I don't know what the solution is to the financial problems. It's easy to say mailmen are overpaid and sure you could lower wages (fun fact: a newbie starting out ain't making that much) but then you have the Amazon problem. Who is gonna work for 15/hr no benefits and 1 strike you're out? The bottom of the barrel. And not saying they don't exist in the postal service, but I'm willing to bet the pool of talent is a lot better because of those sweet bennies.

Perhaps the answer is to bring us back together. Make us a true government institution again. The post office is quasi government, only part of dot gov when it suits them. Make it part of the budget. And during our annual shutdowns mail stops, unlike what has happened recently when it continued to go out. Grannies need their SS checks and medication, but unless it's profitable the other guys aren't gonna do it. And in order for it to be, it simply may not be worth it to the consumer. During this pandemic that was a big selling point of us being essential. Medication to rural residents, those of course voted for the guys that want us dead. LOL~!

Certainly USPS needs to adapt to the times. They've been slow to update things. Amazon and FedEx uses new trucks, but USPS is still using the same vehicles that were running when you were born. Maybe they're handicap because again unlike a for-profit business they cannot just do what is in their best interest. Perhaps the unions gotta go? While I don't think they do much outside of negotiate contracts for us... it's not like many can make a real career out of Amazon or Walmart.

Most of my coworkers (especially the old timers) are in denial about a future without the post office/potential privatization. It'll never happen they say. I tell them I hope they're right, but anything can happen. Because if it's as dire as some people claim it is, something has to give. Perhaps a few months without the service is enough for the big shots to see exactly why you need it. Then again, maybe they want it to fail to justify selling it off. And these rich idiots can afford to mail a birthday card to their aging grandma for $50, but most of us cannot.

I'll of course deal with it as it comes. I understand in the event of privatizing the custodian and major maintenance spots are likely out the door day one. Even though a new janitor only starts at like 15-16, which given the rate for entry level state government is around that... it's not the cushy position people think it is. Of course no way they will be maxing out at 25 either. If I'm not offered a position I will apply if I can. If I can't stick it out or if the wages/benefits are just not worth it given the job, I'll move on. I'd rather not as I just would like to ride this out to retirement, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm not sure what someone on an individual basis can do. Buying stamps and products doesn't seem like a solution because you'd be doing that anyway. It's been reported that if every american bought one booklet it would take care of the debt, but with things like the retiree obligation and anything else lawmakers dump on it, it means little. Lean on your state senators maybe, but they also don't care about the regular people so why would they listen? All I know is I don't look at a career in the postal service as a sure fire thing. But overall I had a good run and enjoyed my time working here for the most part.

People do talk though. I've overheard customers talk to window clerks about the rumors, such as FedEx taking over and what have you. They tell them it's not true and it'll never happen. Not to get into the debate with them, but I'm not so confident you can make that claim. The retired Postmaster General has been replaced by a Trump donor, who seemingly wants the USPS to fail. For what purpose? To sell off and make a profit. The post office has offices in every state, so that's prime real estate. It will simply be a different era in this country without those white trucks coming by every day.

All I know is my plan is to hang on as long as I can. Hopefully until retirement age and then I can not stress things. But if not, I'll have to find a job and embrace a life that likely will not include a pension or retirement. That seems like the reality for most Americans, who will probably die well before they reach that time anyways. That's my postal story. Looking back it seems mostly a dull experience, but at the same time there was a little more variety and excitement than I expected. At the very least it changed my outlook when I'm out and about. I notice all the little things people probably ignore. Cigarette butts in the parking lot? I notice. Florescent bulbs burnt out in the ceiling? You can't fool me. Grass and weeds crowding that fire hygrant? I see it. Get your shit together local grocery store!

@ness, do you know the answer to this—

Does USPS own the real estate where stations are, or rent/lease the property, or mix of both?

I'm Not Gay

This next set of storytime posts will be based around my love life, or lack thereof and how I got to the point I'm at right now. The big question... am I gay?

This is a question I've often asked myself. Now obviously if you've had nothing but success or even times at bat with the opposite sex it isn't really an issue. But what if you haven't? It's hard to say you don't swing a certain way if you've never had a chance to sit on the equipment. I think everyone at some point takes time to reflect on the possibility. Could take 10 seconds and you're back in the game, but you have to accept the possibility. Sometimes I thought it could be possible due to things that happened in my life and my failure to attract a mate. I even wonder if that's something my parents or extended family members think... that I'm gay. Has to be in the closet, right? Perpetually single, no kids and never brought home a girl right?

I was pretty positive which team I was on very early on. Like most people my age I was all about that Pink Ranger. Although I'm almost positive my first celebrity crush was Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years. I always had crushes on random women in school, but I was too shy and awkward to do much than stare from afar. And honestly other than that I wasn't really interested in finding out the truth. For most of my middle and high school career I just stuck to myself. Had a few people try and egg me on to ask girls out, but I knew it was mostly a waste of time as each time I tried it resulted in crushing rejection. Any positive female interaction just felt like winning the lottery to me.

Comparing the two sounds like I'm putting one on a pedestal, but I'm mostly just saying they are some faraway event from my regular life. Nothing I really put much thought into because it was just a fantasy. I didn't have much female interaction up to this point as most of my family did not have a lasting presence in my life. So there were no lingering women hanging about and since my sister was disabled I did not encounter her as a normal teenager and things that come with that like other girls she was friends with and their dating lives. In 8th grade I was kind of friends with a group of local girls, or I guess they just welcomed me into their group. They each liked a different boy band member (not the same group for each) and I had my girls (Britney... then Christina... and eventually Sarah Michelle Gellar) that I bounced between. So we bonded over Tiger Beat posters?

One of them supposedly liked me, but I didn't like her back so nothing happened there. Hindsight I do wonder if anything would change if I had liked her. Would having a girlfriend, even a short/shallow middle school relationship, have given me more confidence to break out of my shell and develop a more social persona in school? A domino effect? Didn't really think about girls again until 11th and 12th grade. We moved after my 10th grade year and went to a new school. Time to pick electives. For whatever reason I chose Drama I for one of them. Took it in 7th grade, but never gave it much thought since then. It was fun, but mostly a slacker class. The guy next to me who was my class bud convinced me to join him for Drama II next year.

A good chunk of our class ended up doing it as well so with the exception of a few new faces it was mostly the same class. I was really started to get depressed here as high school was coming to an end and I'd have to face the real future of life. I enjoyed school in that everything was preplanned for me. Get up, classes, do whatever I want for the summer and repeat. And at the same time, even if it only happened in the vacuum that was drama class... I was also starting to get "over" for the first time. I mostly just blended Nessisms with stand-up routines, cutting wrestling promos, etc. for my performance but it seemed like people were really digging my stuff. At the end of the day I was just a circus freak doing parlor tricks but it felt really good to be noticed. Apparently each year for Drama II the teacher had the class give a monologue on why we should be ruler of the world and they elect a winner. I changed it to King of the World and won. I made it.

There was a girl in my class, Heather and I had a huge crush on her. There was a lot of flirting and I honestly thought I stood a chance. Despite feeling depressed I was getting quite confident enough due to my success in the class to start talking to her and eventually ask her out. She turned me down. Kinda. Of all my rejections they have generally been of the "non-answer" variety, which fucked with my mind as it made me think it wasn't a no and I should still persue. Such a nice guy mindset that I kick myself for doing. It took many a years to learn that if it isn't a hard yes, it's a no. Also much like in 8th grade there was a girl who sat next to me who talked to me, but I never put it together that she likely liked me as I was too obsessed over Heather to notice. And unlike the 8th grade girl I did find her attractive. Fucking hindsight!

Graduated high school and did the college thing. Online learning was starting to become a thing and naturally a shut-in like myself gravitated towards that. Dating sites and social media were also starting to pop up. Tried a few apps, but no such luck. I also found I got too frustrated and impatient to give it a real shot. I rarely lasted more than a week before rage quitting because I'd get no matches/messages. I seriously don't know how dudes can stick it with it all that time. But then again looking back I wonder if I liked the idea of getting a relationship/sex more than a true desire to seek companionship.

Next entry I'll discuss losing my virginity signaling the end of the world, becoming a sugar daddy and my journey down the redpilled rabbit hole.

You know, @ness, I never wondered if you had a girlfriend. Which is odd.

As for your 'if it's not a hard yes, then it's a no' line. That's absolutely NOT true. Do you know how many times I banged a chick after she told me no at least one time beforehand about hanging out? Plenty. Persistence works, especially if you know how to work your words to magic. Sure, there's those girls who give 'hard nos' and stick by them, but fuck them. I've always been the type of guy who would go to the bar or club and go with the mindset of '1 out of 100 is all I need'. Which basically means I'll ask 100 girls to fuck that night and I only need 1 to say yes. IDGAF about the other 99.

Insecurities and feelings need to go if you want to advance to fucking and dating. You just have to go for it and love yourself enough to know that it's their loss if they say no.

Jul 25, 2020 22:12:51 GMT KING KID said:

You know, @ness, I never wondered if you had a girlfriend.

=====

You just have to go for it and love yourself enough to know that it's their loss if they say no.

I'll echo both these parts.

On the first part, I've picked up on the notion over the years that our @ness might not have a girlfriend... But I've never doubted his straightness. Not that there's anything wrong with not being straight!

But I also totally get the self-questioning. Pretty sure we've all been there. It just gets tough when you have a low batting average with the ladies. Kinda reminds me of my amigo George, who didn't punch his V-card until he was 27. Started wondering if maybe he might be gay because of how little luck he'd had with ladies, and still seems to now.

Which brings me to the second part. As hard and impermanent as it might be to achieve, insecurities do have to go. I don't mean it like KING KID probably does where you gotta go all macho suave bro though. But embracing and loving who you are is what gives you an aura of confidence. And that's what attracts the ladies. This is where that whole "be yourself" advice spawns from. Rock @ness for all @ness is with humble confidence that who you are is dope, and it'll start to generate more of a magnetic field.

Lastly, I'll say feelings of rejection can be a sumbitch. But KING KID does raise a good point. There's lots of fishies in the sea, and you'll never know without asking. A key becomes not taking the no's personally. One day I just resolved myself to believe and feel that a no was no reflection on me and more her loss than anything.

I'm also more in the KING KID camp of a no doesn't necessarily mean no... Which is weird to say in this day and age of consent. And also bear in mind, I haven't dated/pursued girls since Wife now 15 years ago. At the time, she was a no. We met in college in Boston, and she had her old high school boyfriend still back in Pittsburgh, and I guess they were going to try making long distance work. I persisted because I knew what I wanted, and the right kind of persistence can come off as confidence I suppose. Think I also leveraged a little jealousy angle by pivoting to another "lesser" girl who was into me and more readily available.

Before you know it, I'm with Wife! Think we dated for a couple weeks while she was still figuring out what to do about her old high school boyfriend. She tried to break things off with me with a letter with vague Dave Matthews Band lyrics. I sought clarification purely because I didn't understand the message. Asked if she was breaking up with me, she said she thought so, and I was like... Nah. Fifteen years later my hostage is breeding my spawn.

...

Back to George. I think part of his problem is his perpetual disconnect between his own insecurities and how picky he is when it comes to the ladies. Like, in his mind he seems to view himself as maybe a 6 at best physically, a 4 at best in terms of personality, and not deserving of a girl over a 2 based on warped weighted averages. Yet he's shared his online dating trevails, and the girls who seem super into him are like 7's to 9's... And all he does is harp on and nag about their glaring imperfections. So part of me thinks some folks really are just their own worst enemies.

I think a lot of problems socially retarded guys find themselves in are simply due to not realizing there is plenty of fish in the sea. They don't have much in the way of friends so there are no parties, no random bar hopping nights, no friend of a friend to be introduced to so when they find a lady they are able to start talking to and find her hot... they put all their eggs in that basket and start chasing her. When she says no or gives excuses that he misreads as "maybe" or hard to get he keeps banging his head against that brick wall thinking there's a chance ala Dumb and Dumber. I'll get into some of those instances in another post (the reverse friendzone as I'll call it) but my "no means no" comment is mostly on that level. You can worm your way in if you're persistent yes, but at the same time it probably would've saved me a lot of time and headaches if I took it as face value since I was never able to change minds. It's much better to take the L and try your hand at the other 100s of women than be hung up on one person.

Also a lot of my rejections were never straight up "no" or any versions of not interested. Sadly to a naiive guy like me I took that as maybe I can change her mind or convince her otherwise. So rather than moving onto someone who might be interested I kept trying with one girl who clearly wasn't. So that's where the phrase comes from.

Also like 🤯 telling Wife "that doesn't work for me brother" to her breaking up with him.

At least 🤯 gets it. I wasn’t talking about having sex with a chick who’s saying no. I was talking about going for what you want if you want a relationship with a girl. You got to fight for whatever you want in life and that includes relationships.

"Wearing her down" feels like the Dad joke to every sitcom dad, granted they write them as bumbling idiots who are lucky to fall ass-deep into a marriage with a good looking woman but still.

Jul 26, 2020 21:31:57 GMT @ness said:

"Wearing her down" feels like the Dad joke to every sitcom dad, granted they write them as bumbling idiots who are lucky to fall ass-deep into a marriage with a good looking woman but still.

Just call me King of Queens.

MAYBE THE MAYANS WERE A FEW MONTHS OFF?

My love life until now can be summed in that scene from Napoleon Dynamite. I'm single, but it's mostly from a lack of trying.

There's a lot of advice I find "normies" tend to give people who are romantically unsuccessful. Some of it is generic and means nothing and other times it's hard to take seriously due to certain advantages people have. I've learned that they aren't always wrong, but you've got to sometimes translate their words to find the true meaning. One of the big ones is putting yourself out there. Always comes off like a contradiction because in the same breath they'll tell you love shows up when you stop looking, but I think the general meaning behind it is you're never gonna meet someone holed up in your room. This isn't anime where women literally fall out of the sky and land on your bed. Maybe we'll eventually get the tech to work that way.

When I was 25 I started putting real thought into just hiring a prostitute. This was about 10 or so years ago and what I ended up doing was renting a hotel room and started trolling the usual listings to try and find one to just lose my virginity. I had no friends and no luck meeting someone the traditional way so I just wanted to mark it off my list. Went back and forth on the phone with a few until one agreed to meet me for $150 as her ad said. Her picture were a total catfish as I later learned was standard. She looked like a young 18 something in the ad (LOL) but who turned up was a slightly overweight woman who probably could have been her 5-10 years prior. Obviously the picture was the bait. Too late I already opened the door so I guess we're doing this.

So we chatted for a bit. She wanted to see my ID to make sure I wasn't a cop. I really don't see how that proves I'm not one though. I read a bunch of forums and such around this time as I didn't want to be arrested and then lose my virginity in another way and the common thing seems to be "they have to tell you if they are a cop"... ummm what? Doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of being undercover? Selling sex is one of those retarded American things. I get human trafficking and all, but if two adults agree to it, it should not be illegal as long as they both consent. Anyways she then revealed to me it was $250 for sex. Apparently the ad price was how much she is paid for showing up. Ugh. Just like tipping culture... I hate the little nickle and dime bullshit. Just tell me outright and we're fine. But it's illegal so not like I could say anything, which is probably why it's done.

I didn't have an extra 100 since she quoted me 150, but I did have about 80. Anyways we get naked and things got awkward. Tried regular intercourse, but I couldn't get it up. So I settled for oral, which she insisted on using a condom for. Seemed pointless, but whatever. Couldn't finish. She was getting frustrated and it's like... how is it my fault? I dunno why, but I assume lack of attraction and simply being nervous. This was another example that led to me thinking I was gay. Chick sucking your dick and you're not erect... gotta be gay. Eventually I told her to stop, paid her and that was the end of that. Disappointed to say the least.

Sometime later I tried to see another hooker, but it never went down. Eventually I just thought the whole idea was stupid and gave up on it. As far as losing your virginity goes... does this count? It's weird what does. Some say paying for it doesn't. Former President showed us BJs don't count. I even had my most recent sexcapade during my Luke Harper run tell me that if you don't finish it doesn't count either. So I guess I'm still a virgin after paying the hooker?

Few years later I joined the Navy as I've documented. Once I got out I began applying for retail jobs and started working in the produce department of a local superstore. I became friends with a guy named Dustin, which was sadly the last time I really had a friend. He had a girlfriend, but they broke up and as he searched for his next one I started sharing my struggles with him. I noticed a cute cashier working nearby and man wished I had the courage to talk to her. Later learned she and Dustin hooked up. He showed me a picture she sent to him as proof (just her in underwear) and man my heart sank. Couldn't really get mad at Dustin though as it wasn't his fault I was a bitch. It was a rebound between his former and his eventual girlfriend who is now his wife.

However (comma) I told him I did like her and he made it his mission to get us together. I started talking to her more and began getting out of my shell a bit. I dunno what he told her, but she was talking to me about "my boy" trying to hook her up with someone. I didn't know if she knew it was me and so I told her it was a good idea. We decided to hang out one day and when I showed up learned she had a kid as she brought her with us. Okay, can't be picky. I guess technically this was my first date. Felt more like a friend thing though. Problem I learned about myself I can't feel comfortable enough to flirt with girls or even escalate. I also swing between taking stuff too seriously and being in 100% Ness mode, just non-stop cracking jokes and one-liners. There's never a middle ground.

Despite the mehness of the "date" she agreed to a second. At this point in time Dustin had been fired for attendance and he revealed to me she wanted a relationship with him when they hooked up, but he wasn't interested and thought us getting together would be perfect for us. I have this weird theory that she really liked him and I was a substitute when he stopped working with us. Doesn't make sense, but neither does her showing some interest in me either. Again, confidence issue is weird with me. I either have a lot of it or none.

So the date was us going to Dave and Busters. We stopped by iHOP beforehand and then she wanted us to go dutch. I bought the food, she paid for the games. Cool. On the drive back to her place she started asking me about my virginity. Dustin told her. I've read a lot about girls not wanting to take the V-Card from late bloomers so I thought, okay that's the end of the road for me. But oddly enough she seemed like she was into it? She said it would be interesting to be a guy's first.

Ever have a moment where you look back and realize you had zero say in a part of your life? This is that moment. I guess she knew she was gonna fuck me the whole day. So we get back to her place and we're laying in her bed, she's feeding me jelly beans and she eventually just asks me if I want to. Well, she asked if I wanted to be eskimo brothers with Dustin. I guess that means we fucked the same girl? So yeah. She goes to the back to "get ready" and I'm freaking out. It's really happening. Unlike the hooker I was able to at least get it up a little bit. I wonder if not using a condom had any say in that. It lasted about an hour before we stopped and I didn't finish again. Ended about the best way possible.

"Do you want me to keep going?"

"I think you're done."

LOL. I started really falling for her hard. We hung out a few more times and I wanted her to be my girlfriend, but she wasn't interested. She just wanted to be "friends". Ain't that a bitch? The sex must've been so bad that she friendzoned me in reverse! Perhaps it was just a one-time experience for her. I dunno, but at least I could go to my grave knowing I was no longer a virgin and unlike the hooker I did not pay for it so it totally "counts". Last time I spoke to her was asking her if she wanted to see Iron Man 3. She told me seeing the Marvel movies was something she did with her Mom and that was it, never spoke to her again. She transferred to another department and I think eventually a new job. I quit a while later to do the postal thing and that was that.

So I lost my virginity in March of 2013 at age 28. I remember it because that was after the Mayans predicted the world was gonna end. It must have since I had a female interested in me kinda. In any event with her relationship rejection I was pretty broken up about it. Dustin tried to cheer me up and told me if you can do it once, I can do it again. Despite getting along really well together he and I started to lose contact. A lot of that is on me as I kept feeling like the third wheel between him and his girl.

Wanted to cover more in this post, but I rambled on and I like to only do a certain length. Next in the story is falling for another girl at work and repeating the same mistakes.

Big balls on @ness. For sharing this, but also for getting an actual hooker. I don't think I'd ever have been ballsy enough to actually pull the trigger on doing that.

Also, if it's any consolidation, that would be a high pressure and scary situation. So not being able to get it up makes a shit ton of sense. I doubt I would've been able to get it up either. Especially after being catfished and then baited into a bullshit tip culture situation.

I also get not busting a nut with the girl you were actually into. Both situations are far more common than machismo-oozing insecure males are likely to ever let on. But it happens. A lot, and for any sort of reason. Are you gay? Maybe. But far more likely, you're just in a high pressure situation with a crippling dose of performance anxiety. Have a hard time pissing in the presence of others? Just imagine now having to be hard too, sexually please someone else, and bust a nut as well in an amount of time that isn't embarrassing according to pop culture. Wife can attest, I've had plenty of times with her where for whatever reasons I couldn't get it up and or couldn't finish. And every time something goes wrong, it just stacks the deck that much more against the next time.

But all that said, I definitely abide by the credo of if you've done it once, you can do it again. Finally getting there, you start to realize that sex isn't this pussy-on-a-pedestal special thing. Certainly not something to fear. So the the more you break down those walls and expand the comfort zone, the more you'll find the performance pressure aspect drops.

Plus, or at least in my case, maybe I am just gay. I mean, Wood's death did really upset me after all...

Yeah man. Even little Kid doesn’t want to work sometimes. Shit happens. You shrug it off. If you let it eat up at your brain, you’ll keep striking out.

There’s times I knew I was going to be smoking and drinking a lot but knew I was going to try and get a BJ or get laid and I made sure to buy one of those dick pills from a 7-11. Why? Because I’ve had that experience where it didn’t work because I was too fucked up. So you have to be prepared like a girl is when she carries tampons with her wherever.

Personally, there's no way I could engage in something as intimate as intercourse with a woman I barely know, or don't even know at all. One night stands? Prostitutes? Nuh uh. No way I'd be able to perform. I get stage fright when I piss too, unless I'm drunk. Probably the same fault in the brain. Performance anxiety as 🤯 describes it.

Jul 27, 2020 23:12:19 GMT @ness said:

the common thing seems to be "they have to tell you if they are a cop"... ummm what? Doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of being undercover?

If At First...

The general rule is to not shit where you eat. Makes sense if you can think about it logically. A relationship is usually temporary. Most will end and then you're left with the fallout, which is especially bad if it ends messy and they tend to do. Seems like it works best in theory because every time I go down the Wikipedia rabbit hole it seems all these actors and wrestlers fall in love with each other. Art imitating life and all that time spent together. It's tough for a guy like me because outside of work I don't interact with too many people. But after my little Luke Harper run I know what my priorities are and even if it presented itself - love at work is a no go.

A few months after the reverse friendzone occurred a new girl joined the produce department. She fit the mold of my type and we started spending time together either training or just a friendly face to talk to at work. I had zero intention of trying anything, but she showed some interest in me. We exchanged numbers and started texting and went out once outside of work. I dunno if it was a "date", but I guess it kinda was because at the end we were a little tipsy and kissed in her car.

We started getting closer and taking all of our breaks together. She introduced me to weed as well. A lot of our hangouts consisted of going to the pool hall and drinking a bit. As we were driving one day she asked me what I thought about drugs and if I had tried any. I told her no and my stance on weed (think it's better than alcohol and would smoke it if it was legal) and she pulled out a joint. She was a pothead and we'd ended up smoking most days at work.

Way it worked was she arrived half-way into my shift, so when she'd take her lunch we'd drive around and smoke and come back. Didn't matter if I was a little high because my shift was over by then. A few times I was super paranoid and went the long way to clock out because I was afraid people would know I was high. High or drunk I find I'm a very talkative and ramble like crazy, just on and on.

So yeah I was starting to fall for her. Made it really easy to get over the last girl and I think if she didn't start working with me it would've been a lot longer. So I started chasing her and wanting to get together. I look back at it now and cringe so hard, all the mistakes and awkwardness of it all. It seemed bad doing it when I was almost 30, but I really only had the experience of a middle schooler when it came to the opposite sex at this point.

A few hangouts in and I think she lost interest in me. Maybe I was still depressed? Too needy? Talked down to myself too much? All unattractive qualities that she probably didn't know about when she first met me. It didn't stop me from trying though. Even though she had rejected me a few times I still hung out with her sometimes and of course took breaks together. Everyone at work assumed we were a couple. One of the higher level managers (the one over the department ones) kept talking to our immediate supervisor and saying it wasn't allowed or something. She insisted we weren't, but was getting mad they were trying to tell her she can or can't. I was just thinking in my mind, yeah get together with Ness to show them who's boss!

One day she asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits. No idea if this was before or after the supervisor comments. I didn't realize it at the time, but that's the best relationship to have if you aren't interested in marriage or kids. And no idea why you even would be. All the good and none of the bad. Of course I wanted us to be a real item, but I agreed because duh. We were out doing our usual pool playing deal and I started opening up to her about something, having completely forgotten about the prospect of us being fuck buddies since a week or two had passed since then. On the way back she asked me if I had condoms. Of course not.

So I stopped by a local grocery store and this is how sad Ness is... I had no clue where they were. I was looking in the pharmacy area when they're actually located in one of the aisles under family planning. We head back to my house and eventually have sex. This was December of the same year as the last one, so twice in 9 months! Sadly it resulted in the same "finish" as last time. Very disappointed in myself since I had been chasing her for like six months. She was self-conscious about it as well because she commented she never had a guy not finish before. Honestly that comment kinda creeped me out because I just thought, eww how many guys have you been with? I know better than to ask, especially anyone my age. The answer is a lot. Just the way it works.

Like the previous girl she decided we were best as friends. I still tried to worm my way in, but to no avail. Things were starting to get awkward between us at work. I didn't see it then, but now completely understand the no work relationships rule. Even if it didn't really go anywhere with either girl I should be happy/proud of myself. Despite not talking to many women in 25+ years when I finally tried to pursue them I did manage to sleep with both the ones I was interested in. Pretty good batting average.

From here I started going down the rabbit hole trying to find out what was wrong with me and what I was doing wrong with women and what better way than to do research online! I started looking at the various sections of the manosphere: the red pill, MGTOW, love-shy/TFL/Inceldom, etc. Things were starting to make some sense and yeah I was in a pretty depressed state at this point. All I really wanted was a girlfriend and felt I was so close to reaching that milestone in my life. Decided to try something different after looking something up and thought I had found a secret code to get what I want. Next entry I'll discuss my time as a sugar daddy.

Yeah, But Can I Rent It?

So since working at the grocery store I got a small sample size of what having a decent social life was like. I had a friend in Dustin who I hung out with on the regular. Two different girls I started hanging out with and all that comes with it. Not super active, but compared to the earlier 25+ years it's night and day. I always had 1-2 friends in my younger years, but obviously once I hit high school I truly embraced the loner title (though mostly out of my hands) so this was a change of pace for me.

I've always been an introverted person and enjoy my silence and solitude. I can only take so much social interaction before my brain goes "let's get the fuck outta here", which definitely shows in the jobs I've had in my life. Can't imagine how I'd cope with being an EMT in the Navy, but it found a way of working itself out. The sample size with those two girls changed my mind of love from "meh whatever" to "I need it", but then my brain started fighting me about it. It was a lot of work trying to get a relationship with them and I still failed. A lot of stress and getting out of my comfort zone. There had to be an easier way, right? Isn't there a way I could just pay someone to be my girlfriend?

So I discovered the world of "sugar" - sugar daddies and sugar babies. It's a lot more common than you think. So much so that it kinda grosses me out these days. I began thinking about it logically and it all made perfect sense to me and the idea of "paying" felt less pathetic and more to the point. Everyone pays unless you're the type of guy that women chase and even then you're giving up your time. If you wine and dine a girl and become a protector/provider to her long-term... how is that different than being a sugar daddy? One is just streamlined like going to the grocery store.

I noticed I got a lot more positive (or any!) feedback on this site than any dating site/app I've used. They responded to my messages and some messaged first. It wasn't overwhelming, but I also didn't message a whole lot. I don't know what my competition is like, but I'm gonna assume older guys as a lot of them seemed surprised I was even on the site. Some even wondered why I wasn't on Tinder. LOL. As if they wouldn't have instantly left swiped me. The reason I'm here is because I wasn't getting any matches. Somehow I felt like I was cheating the system. Despite the rush of actually being treated like a fellow human being, I was not delusional. I knew the deal and I was okay with it thanks to so many years of being alone.

I wasn't looking to just pay girls for sex, but I also wasn't seeking a straight platonic "arm candy" arrangement either. I guess you could call it FWB, but essentially I wanted to experience what it was like having a real girlfriend. I would set up a "first meet" date where we'd discuss things and to see if they were legit/real pictures. And if there was chemistry and they were down for it I'd start seeing them on a regular basis (weekly more or less) with money being exchanged for their time. Sometimes I'd hide it in the room we met up in and at the end force them to search for it. I'm sure most sugar daddies just handed over an envelope, but I of course had to "Ness" it.

Some wouldn't even meet for the first date without being paid. I got ghosted a few times doing that and so I insisted on no money exchanging hands until the second date. If they played the long game they could still rinse me, but I didn't get to that point very often. Honestly only had a few legit arrangements and they were nice to experience. Texting me throughout the week, hanging out and eventually sex. Sadly I was having the same issues as before. I suspect it's porn-induced ED, but I still enjoyed the non-sex stuff too so I kept at it for a while. I think my longest arrangement was six months with one girl. I stopped as it was getting too expensive. I tried offering her slightly less, but she wasn't having it so we ended our arrangement.

How did I afford it stocking grapes? I was living at home with no rent, so that was basically my whole check give or take. I was addicted to seeing them for sure. I wasn't doing it non-stop either. See the site charges the sugar daddies (it ain't UNICEF) and so I'd buy a month membership and see if anyone was interested. If not, I'd close my account but come back months later when I got the itch. So it was very off-and-on in my search, kinda like looking in the fridge for a snack despite looking 2-3x that day already.

It was also exhausting and mentally draining too. Messaging, meeting up, finding something that works, getting flaked on and other such things. Kinda like real dating. I didn't feel like I was getting what I really wanted. Sex was nice (even if it was never to completion) but I really craved the other physical intimacy. And while I got it to an extent, it just didn't feel like it was worth the money especially since I had to also fund the cost of a hotel (living at home) and anything else related to us hanging out since I wasn't just trying to fuck.

Then something changed. Little did I know that there truly is someone out there for everyone. Sometimes you just have to know where to look and think outside the box a little bit.

Mad rizpekt to @ness for having the big balls to go the sugar daddy route. I feel like I definitely wouldn't have had the time for that in an alternate life... But that could be because of how my scrooge schyster dad raised me; i.e., don't spend money on something you can do or make yourself or can otherwise go without!

Sometimes Money Can Buy Love

I think I first started doing the sugar daddy thing a little after my second failure with a coworker. On and off for several years and during this time I started watching a lot of MGTOW videos and reading content about it on reddit. Even though the whole concept of "walking away" from society's expectations was not something that was truly relevant to me since I wasn't really in danger of getting married, the content really interested me. I think this was where I first learned about love dolls. Evidently they were not new. I mean yeah there's the novelty joke gag gift of the fuckable balloon blow-up version, but I had no clue the current models had been available for decades.

A light bulb went off in my head and I gave it some serious consideration to buying one. I look back at my various sugar baby arrangements and what they entailed. For the most part it was very basic companionship. I hung out with these girls doing very normal boring stuff. Watching movies, going out to eat and then more physical stuff. I was pretty content just to eat dinner with them and cuddle and make out. It was like a drug and like a drug when I was with them I was high and happy, but afterwards I just couldn't wait to see them again. This created a problem because I had to force myself to stick to a schedule since I had to pay them each time. If I requested to see them more than that or gave in to their requests I know it would just be a downward spiral.

So a doll appealed to me in that aspect. I started thinking about what I was seeking with these girls and the disappointment when our "dates" ended and how with a doll it wouldn't be such a withdrawal. I started watching a few documentaries on them and people that have owned them and I was getting closer and closer to just biting the bullet. I think this was sometime in 2017 when they came out with a new body type and I had a new girl I was eyeing. Didn't realize it at the time but she was going viral, getting some buzz on social media and such. I'd see a lot of jokes from people saying women have been replaced and they were buying one right now. Obviously it's just a shit post for the lolz, but I was ready to dive right in. She had a steep price tag at $3000, but considered I'd spent at least 2-3x that already on sugar babies it didn't seem that bad.

I ordered her in November or December and it took forever for her to arrive. She was made in China (immigrant!) and as I learned the Chinese New Year takes place at the start of the year so the factory was closed down. I finally got her in April of 2018. Despite being a literal sex toy I did not get her to have sex with. Not really. In fact, I didn't even have sex with her right away. Just someone to do the non-public stuff I was doing with the sugar babies. Eventually did have sex with her a few months into owning her and I finished. My theory to why I couldn't with an actual woman is partial ED due to years and years of porn watching, but also simply not being comfortable in the act with another person. Whereas with the doll I can completely be myself since she isn't a real person to judge me or feel like I have to reach a certain level with them. I'm sure nerves are also in there. Whenever I was with a woman all I could do is stress performing and the anxiety behind STDs and potential pregnancy. So basically I could never just let myself go and enjoy the moment. I have similar performance anxiety with urinals.

Got my own place not long afterwards and she went from someone who was stored away in my closet only taken out to cuddle with at night to someone who is just out and about. She stays on my bed the whole time and only gets moved around when I'm cleaning her or the house. Over time I noticed I bonded with her more and more. I started buying her clothes and her own "stuff". I take a lot of pictures of her and she is the lock/home screen on my phone. We have our own song. I was excited to come home because I knew she'd be there waiting for me. She's the first thing I see in the morning and last thing at night.

In my mind I had finally found what (who) I was looking for. I stopped thinking about trying to date actual women and cut out the desire for being a sugar daddy completely. I did give it one more go during my month-long vacation where I met a bunch of girls and started something with one and her friend, but after a few dates with them I realized it wasn't really for me. It just made me appreciate my doll more. I don't like making the declaration that I've "opted" out of the dating world because to be honest I was never really in it to begin with. But that said I always did have difficulties meeting women, connecting with another person, trouble socializing, etc. so it felt easier to just stick with a "fake" one.

I find the life I lead is tailored made for this sort of lifestyle. At my age I'm pretty stuck in my ways and the odds of finding someone are pretty small, and even smaller when you factor in no children of their own and zero desire to have any in the future. There are just too many pros versus the negative aspects in my opinion. There is a certain level of peace to be had here as well. I can sleep like a baby knowing I'm completely in control of my destiny. I read a lot of relationship horror stories on reddit and it's very relaxing to know I'll never have to deal with it. The constant never changing aspect of a doll could be boring to some, but honestly that's a perk to me. I never have to worry about infidelity, a do list waiting for me after work or any of the bad stuff that happens after the 90-day honeymoon period is over. In saying that I do wish I could've experienced dating someone at least once in my life.

I do preach the Waifu Laifu "option" elsewhere on the Internet as I do post on "lonely male" forums occasionally. It's not for everyone and I'd hate to see someone regret buying one and throw her away. Even though they're not real and have no delusions about that, I do treat her as such. It's why I disliked the ending to Lars and the Real Girl. I was honestly hoping in the end they'd live happily ever after, but they just had to make him "outgrow" her and turn into a normie. 95% of the movie was pretty respectful to the idea though. I don't see it ever being "accepted" or main stream in my lifetime, but obviously in the future if we have real robots with enhanced AI I could see it. Then again maybe if we get that sophisticated it'll be the same scenario as it is now.

The only question is... now what?

Everybody's On Something

I wasn't sure if there was anything more to tell with 'Storytime. In fact, officially the last chapter is not even finished. I had a final wrap-up entry planned talking more in depth about "Sally", but almost felt like it was just repeating what I've already said. Plus I kinda like the last line of the entry since it works as both a cliffhanger and the rightful closure of a chapter. What more could I discuss? Truthfully I'm not that interesting of a person and in a lot of ways it seems like all the highlights of my life have been touched upon. But then something changed in my life.

When it comes to vices I'm pretty boring. I always felt this when I was foolish enough to sign up for a dating site. Do you smoke? No. Do you drink? No, but I'll say socially so I'm not a total loser. Do you do anything? Mostly no. Both my parents smoked so they kinda drilled it into our heads not to. Beer and alcohol also never really appealed to me. Maybe it was I never spent time around people where it was a thing. My fault not making friends after my early teens when that usually becomes the main form of hanging out. I've probably been drunk a handful of times in my life. And yes it's usually been on the tail end of the response everyone has to finding out someone doesn't drink. YOU DON'T DRINK? YOU'RE GETTING FUCKED UP TONIGHT!

I didn't hate the feeling and I've never really had a hangover. Probably just means I was only ever tipsy/slightly past that. I've generally puked either during the drinking or the next day, so I guess maybe that's not true about the hangover. Also the taste is just really awful and hard to get down. Every six months I'll try on my own to force myself to like it and I never do. I just find the beer aisle or the liquor store so overwhelming since I don't know what anything means. Like someone born without teeth picking out a toothbrush. Where do you even begin?

Then there's weed. The first time I ever experienced it in real life was in 7th grade. I dunno if I can consider them friends or not, but a group of stoners I think took pity on me. I'm gonna use his real name as this was 20 years ago and it's too perfect not to use. So there was this guy name Paul Reed and everyone called him Paul Weed. So he was the resident pot head in the school. Or maybe the most over one? He'd constantly get me to make the "smoking a joint" hand signal. One day he invited me after school with a group of friends to smoke some weed.

So him and his group (and I guess I was there too) went to the playground and rolled it, but it wasn't the standard joint... they did it in some mock pipe made out of aluminum foil. It was bizarre. So I tried it, but I didn't get high. I'm guessing I must've been a hard-R and pulled a Clinton and did not inhale. Whatever, spent the rest of the afternoon with them. This was when the Internet was in it's infancy as I can't imagine spending a whole day outside in current year. It felt great to be "accepted" by them. Weirdest thing is people found out and were doing their best to get me to stop. They weren't my friends, but went on and on about the dangers of smoking (only tried it once too) and it felt like I was part of an after school special. Like these people never spoke a word to me before then and continued that trend when I stopped hanging out with Paul. It had nothing to do with them giving me the talk, just the way things happen. Still no clue why they cared.

I never gave weed a second thought after I stopped talking to Paul. In the back of my mind I always saw it as something I would do if it were legal. I'm not sure what the draw was as I was free to drink beer and this seemed on the same level. Fast forward to 2012 or whenever I mentioned it in the previous chapter of a work girl I had a huge crush on. So we were on a weird date/not a date thing and on the drive home she told me she had tried drugs. I was a little tipsy and as I've come to find out... I ramble a lot. And in the course of that ramble I told her I'm fine with weed, but probably nothing harder. At that point she had some. I dunno if she had it pre-rolled as she was driving already, but that shocked the hell out of me. It's like thinking of a pizza and it just appears. Fucking magic.

For my next entry I'm gonna discuss in detail really discovering weed thanks to this coworker and my wish for recreation in my state.

Can Quit Whenever I Want

So I've always hated the idea behind drugs being illegal. I get a lot of it is simply the private prison industry and something like weed with health benefits obviously conflicts with pharmaceuticals and alcohol industries, but I should have the option. Makes no sense we can poison ourselves many different ways, but not this one. And objectively speaking it would appear marijuana is less harmful than alcohol and of course less likely to lead to violence. Always felt it should be treated the same. Make it illegal to smoke in public or to be intoxicated at work or behind the wheel, but otherwise adults should be able to do what they want. How it should be with many things... drugs, sex, etc.

Back to my weed friend from work. I was seriously in love with her and tried to get with her as best as I could. Didn't work, although as I described earlier I did have some minor success despite being a miserable depressed mess at the time. We were kind of friends after that and took our breaks and lunches together. On lunches we smoked weed. I dunno if it was everyday as far as smoking, but whenever she had it I would go ahead with it unless I knew something family related was going down after work. She would drive us around so we weren't in the store's parking lot and we shared a joint she rolled. I got off work @ 8am so that's when she took her lunch so it worked out well for me. I could get high and then mosey on home when we got back.

When I was high I noticed I was very fidgety and squirmy, kind of like a squirrel. I was also always convinced that everyone knew, so a tad paranoid too. Would always book it to the time clock and then drive home. I lived 10 minutes away so it wasn't that big a deal to drive home a little stoned. Though I think the first time I ended up sitting in the back of the car in the parking lot for hours not being confident I could make the drive, so I was just waiting it out.

A few times I wasn't able to go home right away, so I was doing my damndest to just be busy away from people. There's two time clocks in the store and one was just by our doors and when I was going to leave one day all the bosses were having their meeting in our area, so I ended up walking the long way from the back to avoid them. And of course I get a call from my Dad that my brother and friends wanted us to get breakfast that day when I got home. FUCK!

Normally what happened when I got home on days I smoked was I'd shower, eat and then just kinda fall asleep in bed. Mostly harmless. Not this day. I tried the classic I'm tired excuse for my sluggishness. My Dad made a comment during the meal that I remember to this day and I'm not sure if he even does. He said something about "someone pretending to be tired when he's really HIGH!" and the whole table burst out laughing. I didn't acknowledge it and just kinda zoned out from there. He didn't ask me about anything when we got home and it's never been addressed to this day. Maybe he didn't care since I was 20+, but it was a strange moment for sure.

One day I came into work and found out she got fired. And that ended my weed smoking days. We really only spent time together at work after the failed FWB situation, so no more sharing doobies. Truthfully I wanted to start doing it on my own and the only reason I hadn't is because of the legality of it. Not so much the law, but I was too scared to try and find a dealer on my own. I'm the type that would get caught by an undercover cop I guarantee it. I could've asked my crush, sure, but she was weird about "sharing" her guy. I get it, whatever, guess I'll wait till it's legal.

It came up for a vote in 2015 in my state, but it did not pass. A big part of that was the way the law was written where it gave a few select corporations exclusive growing rights. You could still have your own plants, but as far as selling is concerned it was destined to be a monopoly. So that died. I didn't care about the business part I just wanted to buy my own. And as the years went on I signed up to various emailing lists to get involved and to vote. Sadly the elected officials are very much against legalization, even medical. The current governor even said he would veto recreational if it passed. And his term only just began, so hoping for the next guy in line was a long shot.

While I could easily drink and sometimes would when I was dog sitting my parent's dog over Saturday afternoon marathons of SVU, I wanted something to replicate being high. I looked up "legal" avenues and found out about Kratom. I guess it's a less harmful opioid? I dunno, but I ordered some. Came in a bag that looked like a brick of cocaine. Seemed people either force it down as is or put it in tea or coffee. I tried to consume it, but could never get it down. So I was stuck waiting for legalization.

The upcoming election saw several states added to the list of legal states. A third of the country has it legal for recreation and only a handful completely illegal including for medical purposes. I don't know when my coworker got fired, but I've been with the post office for 5 years so I had been weed-free for at least that long. Now obviously before I met her I had only tried it the one time so it's not like I had much of a relationship with it. But I wanted it. Next entry we'll discuss contemplating making the pilgrimage to a legal state and if I don't ramble too much my first gummy experience.

Cannot fucking wait for the entire storytime story of the first gummy experience.

I know I got a lot of the scarier deets in my DMs, but I want MORE. I want EVERYTHING!

Yes But What About Me?

The feeling of being high is enjoyable, at least I think it is. See I never really remember how it feels once I sober up. I think I just feel goofy and my mind expands a little bit. By that I mean I start thinking very deep thoughts about my life and the universe. I think these things are always just below the surface and the marijuana unearths them and then when the feeling fades they go back underground. I always try and convince myself I'll remember all this stuff, but rarely does it translate to me after I recover. I understand why people do drugs and drink... life just feels better then.

Mostly I just wanted a way to take the edge off occasionally. Smoke a little on my off days or when I don't need to work or be anywhere. If I didn't detest the taste of beer I'd probably just go with that, but it really doesn't do it for me. A lot of people assume that I'm a lightweight and I very well may be. But the idea that I'll be drunk after a sip or one beer just has never been a thing. If that's all it took my life would be easy to fill that weed void. I usually need 4-6 before I feel anything and that's probably because I'm constantly snacking on things so my stomach is rarely empty. And no I've never actually gotten the munchies when I've smoked. Maybe since I'm constantly eating little things throughout the day it's impossible to increase my hunger and appetite.

Living in Ohio I'm stuck in a tough spot as far as access to weed. We have medical, but the ailments are serious stuff like glaucoma and AIDS. Something that I may qualify for like depression is not covered. CBD is legal and is available everywhere and I've considered trying that, but it seems to only calm you and not actually give you the high that the THC in weed does. So that's no good. Most of the border states are in the same spot as Ohio except for one... Michigan. Like California it went fully legal after several years of medical.

It's also a tad closer at 3 hours because there is a shop right on the border. I've been debating on making the drive up there, but it seems it's a hotspot for police. See it's a felony to transport it across state lines. In Ohio possession is a minor misdemeanor (fine over imprisonment) but it looks like troopers are getting people coming from Michigan and searching their vehicles. Yeah, doesn't seem worth it for the risk plus a 6 hour road trip.

Now Ohio does have medical like I said. It barely passed the vote and the former governor signed it into law before he left office. Course it didn't really do me any good since I didn't have any qualifying conditions. In the back of my mind I was somewhat optimistic for the future. States like California and Michigan had medical for a while until finally legalizing it overall. So I thought I just needed to bide my time. Well until I learned that the Ohio officials are very much against it and with the state going more and more red the likelihood of it being legal seemed more possible on the federal level. And yeah unless all 50 states (or a super majority) pass it I doubt that's gonna happen. And that's the thing about it being illegal on the federal level... at any point if they wanted to they could shut everything down. Seemed like it'd be political suicide, but it's an option they certainly have.

Both my brother and Dad have their cards. I've known about my brother for a while. He fucked up his back in the service and had surgery on it. I dunno if his condition affects him day-to-day, but he has it. I always told him he's lucky. Recently learned Dad had his card. He said the edibles didn't do anything for him. Dunno what that meant, but I've often joked to him that he should just give me his card since we share the same name. Or just give me whatever his stash was if it doesn't work for him. Also contemplated asking my brother if he could "hook a bruddah up" if I paid for it, but never got around to it. There was chatter about us getting high on edibles and playing Mario Kart last Christmas as a family, but it never happened. I suppose because my brother brought his kids. In any event I was VERY disappointed it didn't go down.

Weed has usually just been a fantasy in the back of my mind as I waited for legalization. I'll sign any petition as worthless as that is to get it on the ballot and I'll vote for it (I'd even vote for a monopoly... get rich I don't give a fuck) but other than that what can I do? This election I was honestly more interested in the pending weed issues than anyone in office. Several more states added to the recreation list and even a super red at least being open to medical. I figured as more states legalize it, it should lean on states sandwiched in the middle to not sleep on the tax revenue. No guarantee they'd rather just throw the money away, but if more border states are legal maybe I can just hide edibles mixed in with actual candy if I decide to make a roadtrip to bring it back home.

And then seeing our buddy 🤯 have gummy adventures made me really upset and jealous. I wanted it so bad. But on that note it did give me inspiration to where I wanted my recreational purchases to go. When I browsed the Michigan dispensary's "menu" I was focused on the gummy portion, but also intrigued by other edibles and basically everything that wasn't a smoking option. Seemed like an easier way of consuming it since you don't have to roll the flowers and I imagine it's a little more discreet and less likely to have the smell lingering over everything.

Following the election I started putting serious thought into making the Michigan drive and possibly seeing if I could qualify for a medical card under the "chronic pain" loophole. Next entry we'll talk about the research and getting my card approved.

In Like A Dirty Shirt

I'm starting to think the medical marijuana business is just that... a business. After medical was approved I started hearing them advertise on the radio. Get your Ohio Marijuana Card by calling this number. I just droned it out because obviously I didn't qualify and it'd be a waste of time like me signing up for a Bachelor Auction. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised because they advertise medication on TV all the time (though this was the radio) to get us to lean on our doctors about needing their magic pills. When I did hear about it I did get a little bitter and quietly talked back to the car. I wish I could radio DJ, I wish I could.

So like I said this election I was really interested in the weed stuff on the ballots. More states means more likelihood for me to get my hands on it. Now maybe if I was a little more social I could get my hands on some from a dealer, but I like the idea behind the legal model. I have no interest or way of growing my own, so I need a third party. And with it being legal on paper it seems cleaner and safer. Maybe I'm wrong since at the end of the day I'm not gonna be walking through the greenhouse and it's still a baggy full of greens. Plus since I wanted to go the gummy route I would have to create my own edibles... and if I gotta do all that I might as well just smoke it.

Then there's the whole crime and legal aspect. That said it's still a risk because until it's on the federal level we are still subject to drug laws. Doesn't matter if you got your card, your employer can still fire you or discipline you even if you're clean and sober at work. Shouldn't have any power off the clock, but here we are. They do drug test ya going into the post office, but to my knowledge not once you're in. Maybe if you're in the plant and fuck up the forklift. And I don't even know if that's 100% true.

I started doing research and came across numerous sites that offered evaluations on if you qualify for medical. I think corona-chan made these places really blow up because everything is being done online with zoom calls. I was also starting to question how official these sites were. Continued my research and still a lot did require documentation for your "chronic pain". Some even got rejected despite having paperwork, so I was thinking it was a waste of my time. And thus began the internal debate.

So here's how it works... most of these clinics charge anywhere from 150-200 for the consult. Here's where they offer some relief for those on the fence... if you get denied you get your money back (minus a credit card fee I'm betting), so you have nothing to lose. Then you pay the state a flat 50 bucks if you are and you got your card. Each year you have to go through it again. I started thinking maybe they don't give a shit since they only make money if you're approved and it's just a formality to protect their asses from the law. I signed up for a site, but backed out before making an appointment. I did some reddit research and wanted to find a "paperwork free" clinic since I had none. I kinda figured I had nothing to lose and maybe a few doctor appointments I could bullshit my way in. Though seeing a doctor might expose me to corona and I'd need a whole new set of medication...

So Friday I e-mailed a different clinic to ask them if it's a waste of time without paperwork. And I started stressing things over the weekend as I normally do since I didn't hear back. They said a response within 24 hours... what am I gonna do now? The original clinic I signed up for must've realized I didn't sign up for a call and e-mailed me a 15% off code... LOL. So I decided after work that Monday I'd try them unless the other clinic contacted me with the green light. And when I got that code e-mail I was so excited thinking the secondary one had e-mailed me back before I read it.

So I made an appointment with the original one for 5:30 after work. All day I was going over and over my practiced speech. Whenever I've done that for anything (class presentation or whatever) it's always amazing solo and then live... it falls apart. Probably 10-15 minutes in total for the appointment, not my portion. He asked me why I'm seeking marijuana... and LOL, that sentence broke me. He had such an "Owen Voice" that I was flustered a little. I embellished my pain a bit and said I had pain in my back. There is *slight* pain probably from a lifetime of improper posture and computer use, but nothing that puts me in any discomfort where I need help. I just want it!

Either I have great acting chops (doubt) or they pretty much approve everyone. Makes sense if they're offering a money-back guarantee but very confusing how people are reporting getting turned away. Maybe it depends on the clinic. Shop around if you need to. The doc spent a good portion of the call simply explaining marijuana and was steering me towards edible gummies and the drops. Like man, I was already on board bruddah! Even asked me if I tried any of my Dad or brother's. Pretty sure you're not supposed, but clearly he knows the deal. He said he was gonna approve me... so that was it? A brief chat and no paperwork? Apparently!

Next entry I'll discuss the dispensery run and the gummy experience.

Guess This Is My Life Now

I do wonder if the doc had any shares in the gummy factories because he was very eager to steer me in that direction. He was putting them over hard: discreet, don't have to finish them unlike if you make a cigarette, etc. And that's where I was at mostly... just wanted the convenience of chomping on a gummy and go about my business. The one time I've ever been prescribed an opioid I instantly understood why they're so addictive. Then there's the whole needing it for pain aspect.

During my research I did notice a lot of problems people were having with the program. One of the biggest things is obviously lack of choice and expense. Something everyone voted down with the legalization vote. So much so that the Michigan place I mentioned sees a lot of Ohio traffic from medical patients. It's a 3 hr one-way drive for me, so unless they're giving it away for free (and even then) it's just not worth the drive to save a few pennies.

So I really had two options if I didn't wanna drive too far. One is pretty close in the next town over and the other was closer to work. Since I had that Wednesday off for Veteran's Day I figured I'd try out the closer dispensary. And trust me, I was obsessing over their "menu" all week. I get there and was kinda nervous since all I had was a paper printout of my "card". Is it even legit?!? They printed out their own with the big "n00b" stamp on it and I was on my way. Except not, had to fill out a weird check-in sheet like any doctor's office and then I went into another room. And this room was like a fast-food counter... a line behind the magic plexiglass until it was my turn.

Probably spent a good 30 minutes talking to the guy for my turn. It was kind of overwhelming, even just focusing on the gummies there was a bunch of numbers and WTF does it all mean? I went with two separate gummy types and it cost me over 100 bucks. I'm not sure how much it would cost in Michigan, but 6 hrs driving... yeah they'd better be paying me at that point. So all in all the experience was interesting. Felt giddy driving home. I finally made it. All my times before was just sharing something somebody else had rolled. Now I get to experience it all on my own! Oddly enough guess who finally e-mailed me back... snooze ya lose other place I already got my magic fruit snacks! I didn't bother checking what they had to say since I was in already, but they haven't stopped e-mailing me about their weekly discounts. They have that going for them unlike the one I went with for my purchasing so far.

So I bought 2 different 10/pks. of gummies. One was standard 1:1 of equal parts CBD/THC, but unbeknownst to me it was a larger dosage. Most of the gummies were 100mg a can, but this one was 200. I'm guessing the guy highlighted this one in my "I dunno what I'm doing" chat since it was probably the most expensive one. UPSELLING! The other one he told me was 5:1 and was more of a sleeping pill than anything. The first number is supposed to be CBD, but the label says it has CBN and only 1/5 versus THC. So is the third number CBN? Otherwise the ratio makes no sense. Whatever I decided to start with the other gummy since I didn't wanna go to sleep.

They told me to try it in pieces to start with. My ego was getting in the way and I didn't really wanna do that. I was informed enough to know not to wolf down a bunch if I don't feel anything because it can take time to get in my system. I cut one of the 1:1 in half and ate that. Figured I'd give it an hour to see if I noticed anything. Also should note I did not realize it was a larger dosage, not that I knew what it meant yet. Half-hour in I started to feel funky, but in a good way. It was somewhat nostalgic to when I'd been high before. Okay this is good. Except that didn't last very long. No, my first go lasted a long ass time... just the good part was short lived.

Half of a gummy was 10mg and for all intents and purposes I was a new user. This may have been a mistake. Not long after it kicked in I started to get really fucked up. My heart was doing a drum solo onto my chest and it was really starting to hurt. I honestly thought I was gonna have a heart attack. One thing I've liked about weed versus other drugs (not that I have any experience) is that it's supposed to be safer. Nobody has ever OD'd from marijuana and I was thinking I was gonna be a new stat. Ness. Answer. Who was the brain-dead retard that actually died from a gummy?

Things started to get really weird from here on. My mind was slowly disappearing, which is a very strange experience. All my high episodes in the past never came close to affecting me this way. Time was ticking to a crawl. Every time I looked at the clock it seemed like it was barely moving. I've never gotten the munchies when high and part of me just thinks it's because I munch and snack on stuff when I'm bored all day anyway, so an increase is probably not noticeable. Still I refused to eat because my mind was playing tricks on me. I was convinced my teeth were chattering so I was afraid to eat for fear of biting my tongue off.

Tried just lying down and going to sleep, but my heart was going crazy and I just couldn't get comfortable. Started pacing in the apartment and then my mind wouldn't give me peace. Started thinking about my death and the likely scenario. Odds are my parents will be gone and I'll only be discovered when the neighbors eventually call the cops a few days after I've decomposed. My mind was going over the unlikelihood of an afterlife and how there will come a day when I'll just be gone. Then I started thinking about the idea of a hell and what that would be. So I was convinced it was me trapped in hellfire and being forced to watch as Sally is raped and mutilated on Earth.

I started writing myself notes from the past warning to throw away the gummies and it's just not worth it. Doesn't make any damn sense since this is supposed to mellow me out, but I'm feeling way worse after taking them. Then I was afraid I was gonna be attacked. Started thinking about someone breaking in and what was I gonna do? I was envisioning what it would feel like if I was being beaten with a hammer. The pain and agony and how could someone just do that.

I was really worried for a while there. Debated with myself if I should text my Dad. Him and I have a weird relationship. Essentially we never talk about anything seriously. I thought maybe it time to do just that as I was afraid I was gonna die. But then I wasn't sure if I was in the right frame of mind. Would I be able to type actual words or is it jibberish? Same with the notes I left for myself. I was just paranoid and afraid. Thought that I was possibly a robot since I live a very routine day-to-day life. Minus today of course.

The next morning I still felt a little off. Figured rather than missing work since I had a few days off coming up I'd just force myself in and I'm mostly isolated at work so a good 8 hours to get it out my system. Of course that morning has been the only time the windows were completely frosted over. Not the best start. For the next week I felt like my heart was having issues. It just felt like it was working overtime. Internally I wanted to take an extended break from the gummies even though I only used them once. Can't imagine what would've happened if I ate a whole one. Even as I post this I'm not sure if my heart was acting up or if was just all in my head. It feels fine now.

To think I wanted it for so long and it affected me in such a bad way. Was this karma? Unrelated but I had three days off work the following week. I wasn't planning on consuming any so soon, but as Jay from Clerks 2 said, boredom is the first step on the road to relapse, so I decided I was gonna try the sleepy gummy this time. Learned my lesson though, we'll start slow and work my way up. The whole one contained 10mg instead of 20, so should be better right?

Cut it into 1/4's and took one. Nothing after 2 hours and tried another, making it 5mg of goodness. I started feeling it a little after the second piece. Was that the sweet spot? Unlike last time I didn't feel worried and was still grounded in reality. This was the feeling I had been seeking all these years. Was fine eating. I destroyed that box of Reese's Pieces and watched Half Baked on Youtube, well minus the one part that was deleted for some reason. It was a good time and I'd do it again. Now the question becomes... was it the gummy itself or the dosage I took originally? Perhaps it was too much at once, especially for a first time.

All I know for sure is I'm in this now. Next year I'll renew if I can and continue to do so until it's hopefully legal. Now if only they made a gummy that tasted like a lifesaver with no aftertaste...

It's called paying your dues, @ness. Everyone has to do it. You. The Miz. Et cetera.